Time to clear out some emotional junk

It's been quite some time since I published a blog for everyone to read, or at least those that feel like reading it. However; I have a lot of things to say, a lot of things I want to say but don't know that I should and quite frankly, some things will be said that will just piss some people off. If you are one of those people that my words offend you, then maybe YOU should step back and do some evaluations of YOUR life and not MINE. 

First off, I will say that my sobriety date is 15 May 2012. As of today that means I have 72 days without a single drop of alcohol in my system. This does not mean that this has been an easy process. I look back at the last 72 days and wonder how in the hell I survived. DT's are crazy. The crazy thoughts, the racing thoughts, the constant movement of your body, the constant sickness you feel, you can't eat or drink without getting sick, you take a pill for this, a pill for that, another pill for this symptom caused by the other symptom that was caused by the pill you had to take to help you SURVIVE detox. The emotional toll itself is enough to make you seriously think about some not so good thoughts. Let's not even get into the toll that you put your family and friends through...those who don't have the disease, who don't understand the addiction, those will NEVER understand the urge, the cravings, the salivating, the needing to have a drink to stop the shakes in the morning. 

However; these people also do not know what it's like to blackout because you have drank so much, yet you are still wide awake, talking and doing things. These people do not scare their kids because mom or dad is so drunk, they don't know if they are going to get yelled at, ignored, hit or even get fed. These kids learn at an early age how to fend for themselves. These people don't purposely buy cheap, just enough to get by, food so that you have enough to buy your alcohol. These people don't end up sitting, alone, in the dark, with a glass that never gets empty because you have a "two drink" rule and you rationalize that as long as that glass never completely gets empty...you are still working on that FIRST drink. 

I have met a lot of people at the places I go to. Some are wonderful, some not so wonderful, some are downright downtrodden and beaten and refuse to let anyone near them to help because they are afraid of feeling, others can be a little intimidating but they are just great big ole teddy bears and others are just flat out douches. I am learning to take things and people one day at a time. However; that does not mean that on some days, I am the one being the douche or an ass, or it could be an extremely hard day that I have white knuckled it through and now I am just one great big ball of pent of emotions that come out in tears...lots and lots of tears. And you know what, it's okay to cry...it's okay to just hug someone...it's okay to open up just a little bit or a lot, depends on how much you need to emotionally dump that night. 

Now, here is where I am going to get into some stuff that may cause shit to hit the fan as they say. A few weeks ago, I got a phone call from someone who had told me they had gone and talked to a "friend" of mine, but thought they smelled alcohol and they were drinking Mt. Dew as they got out of their car to talk to the other person. I was told they were fidgety, kept looking towards their door and just jumpy, which this person thought was odd behavior. Knowing this "friend" doesn't drink Mt. Dew, I informed the other person that their assumption of smelling alcohol was more than likely dead on and it was IN the bottle they were drinking out of as they were driving. I also told the person why they were more than likely jumpy and irritable and I'm going to leave it at that, otherwise some may figure out who this is. 

The last thing I have to say is this and I have no problem calling someone on their shit when my name gets dragged into something. For the record, it is neither mine nor another friends "fault" or "idea" that a mutual friend move to another state. Seriously, when you can't control your addiction to the point that it is or at least WAS at, at least be woman enough to own up to your own fuck ups. When you send me a message stating that you had no idea I was battling this addiction and that you "know" where I am because you have done the same thing...shut the fuck up. You have NO FUCKING CLUE as to where I have been or the depths of hell I have crawled through to get SOBER. I at least had the audacity to woman up and admit that I had a problem and seek help, the reasons are my own, but at least I DID IT and CONTINUE doing it. I am at a meeting every single day, sometimes twice a day and if I could go three times a day...you bet your ungrateful lying ass that I would be there. The day that you can stand and look me in the eye and do step 8 and step 9, only then will I truly believe that you MAY have changed. Until then, I pray for you, for your kids, for your family and I pray they survive these years as you continue to destroy yourself and everyone around you. I used to think that I tolerated someone because you were my friend, turns out neither one of you ever were. Hindsight is 20/20 and I can see clearly now. 

For everyone else, I hope you have a wonderfully blessed day, completed by your Higher Power and trust in Him completely. 

Last night and today is a struggle

I'm trying hard today to stay sober. I tried hard last night to stay sober and succeeded, but I literally laid back in my recliner and sobbed. I told Pat that he had NO idea just how bad my knee was hurting, I broke down and took the very last pain pill I had been hoarding because I didn't know when the pain was going to get unbearable. Well, that was last night. However; as I left my meeting, I told Pat that he had no comprehensible understanding of how bad I fought myself from taking a route I sometimes take home, simply so I could go in and buy a 6 pack of small bottles of wine, sit in the car and drink them, then drive home....just so my knee would numb up. I was literally right there. Instead, I turned onto A.W. Grimes and come home instead of staying on Old Settlers and coming up Sunrise which would have put me right at Wag A Bag...where I could have purchased my wine and got my drink on...alone. 

Instead, I came home and took the last pain pill, then proceeded to cry for about an hour. Today is no better pain wise. I don't know how to explain it except that it isn't a superficial pain, it's deep within my knee...and now because I have been compensating by placing more weight on my left leg, now my left knee is starting to hurt. I swear I seriously contemplated just having my right leg amputated from the knee down and just get a prosthetic. Now, I know that won't happen. So don't think I would really talk to my doctor about that.

I just have to wait for my appointment this Friday so I can talk to my doc and tell him that I really do understand why he took me off the pain meds,however; I am NOT lying when I tell you that it HURTS. When it hurts enough to put me in tears, there is something wrong. The Lidoderm/Lidocaine patches work for the superficial pain, help to numb it a little, but it's the pain deep down that is killing me. I have referrals from my sister in law that I am going to give to my doctor and tell him I don't care which one he submits for, but it WILL be one of the places she told me about, I'd like to discuss some type of pain pill to help with arthritis because I know that is what is causing the pain, but if he won't do that, then I want a referral to a pain management clinic. Just because I am an alcoholic does not automatically make me a drug addict. I may fight addiction, but it's ALCOHOL...not pills or any kind of illegal mind altering drug. I just want the pain to stop. 

I want to feel better. I want to read more in my AA book. I want to go to the gym today. I want to go do yoga tonight. 

Instead, I get to lie down, elevate my knee, ice it down and take a nap, or at least try. I may wind up crying instead. 

Lord give me strength and wisdom today to just make it to the end of the day as pain free as possible....and help me stay sober.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things that I can and the Wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done. 


I say this prayer multiple times a day. I have days where I have to say this prayer once a minute or just say it over and over. There are so many things that I cannot change and I don't want to. I don't want to change someone's opinion on something that they feel very passionate about. However; that doesn't mean that I won't listen to what they have to say. Now, we may have a healthy debate back and forth, but that does not mean that I am trying to get that person to CHANGE their mind. I simply want them to try to obtain a different viewpoint outside of their own. Here is where the Wisdom part is coming in today. I should know the difference...I DO know the difference, yet here I am banging out on the keyboard, having an online debate with an old friend of mine about a Wet/Dry vote that is being held in two days in my hometown. 


For as long as I can remember, my hometown has been a dry county. A few years ago, one of the municipalities decided to have their own vote since they sit on the lake and draw in a large majority or tourists, on whether to stay dry, go wet or go moist. For those of you who do not know what moist is, it means that alcohol can only be served in restaurants and there are no straight out bars. You cannot purchase alcohol from a local store, but you can go into the restaurant, sit down, have some food and enjoy some drinks...or you can just go straight to the bar and just start knocking back your drinks. Order an appetizer at least once and you can drink at the bar for as long as you want or until the bartender decides to cut you off. 


Now, 35 years after I was born, there is a Progress Somerset propaganda that has sprung up. Now, my hometown is considered part of the "Bible Belt", so now you have the churches and other groups using their own propaganda. I admire Progress Somerset because their platform is about bringing in new restaurants, new stores, more jobs, more revenue, expand the police force, etc. While the churches and other groups are using CHILDREN in their propaganda! Really?! "Think about the children" "What about the children?" Maybe this is why I had such an issue with the churches in my hometown. They are out for their own interests and will use and ABUSE anything they deem necessary to try to get their way, because they can't come up with a decent platform to make a stand on, EXCEPT BY USING CHILDREN as the SOLE reason for staying dry. 


I have a friend who has decided to vote NO, because he feels it would be on his conscious if someone went out, got drunk, hit a family and killed them. Now, I cannot change his mind on his decision to vote and I never would try. However; the thought process he has is a little screwed up. We as individuals are ONLY responsible for the actions that we CHOOSE to make. Smart, stupid, screwed up, crazy and flat out insane ideas...we are the ones who make that decision, no one forces our hands. As an alcoholic, I KNOW that it isn't going to be that 12th drink that gets me drunk, it's going to be the FIRST one. However; I only know that because I participate actively in A.A. I attend meetings nightly and I am in the process of working my steps. Now, again...here is where that lovely Serenity prayer comes in, because I know that I cannot change the outcome of whatever is going to happen and I have the Wisdom to know that, but then I wonder if I was still home...where would I be in my journey?


Would I still be a raging alcoholic? Drinking until I passed out, yet stayed WIDE AWAKE, because I was a "functional alcoholic"? Would I still be driving while in that functional alcoholic state? Would I be working on my sobriety? Would I be looking for a party? Would I be seeking for something else? I don't have the answers to any of these questions because I DON'T KNOW. As an alcoholic, I have to GET OUT OF MY HEAD AND STOP THINKING. Thinking is a bad thing for an alcoholic, because once we start thinking, we start rationalizing, once that starts then it's all down hill from there. 


All I can say is that I pray for the upcoming vote and that whatever God's will is, shall prevail...whether it be wet or dry. I pray that people will remain responsible with their drinking, but we all know that there are things that happen every day that cannot be prevented. And how I see it is this, IF it is YOUR time to go...you are going to go....whether hit by a drunk driver, a sober driver, a hit and run or if you just pass away in your sleep. I pray for my friends. I pray for my family. I pray for my self in the simple form of "Thy will, not mine, be done Lord."


As of today, I have not had a drink, yet. As of today, I have not maimed, killed or injured anyone intentionally or by accident, yet. So far, today is a good day and that is ALL I can do. Take it ONE day at a time. If I need reminding, I need only look at my keychain where both my desire and my one month chip are, plus I can look at my family....because I know that they need me here, MORE than I need that drink. 


Thanks for reading you all. Today was a little scattered, but I'm just angry over people using children to try to achieve their goals. *Deep Breath*
Serenity Prayer....

Just a little longer...

I've done the grocery shopping today and had a good time doing so. Britney went with me and was some help, but my knees were killing me. I tried it without my knee brace, okay...so maybe not the smartest idea, but I made it. However; I didn't plan my strategy very well though. I needed to go to the bread store and it's on the opposite side of town from where the grocery store was that we went to. I couldn't go to the bread store after getting groceries because it was already over 100 degrees outside and I couldn't leave the frozen food in the car. My strategic awareness was amiss today.

Now I'm home, the groceries are put away, lunch has been eaten and while my knees are still killing me, it's nice to just sit back and elevate my legs. Maybe I'll ask Pat to drive me to the bread store. Plus, I need to get more smokes, but I'll do that before I go to my meeting tonight. Right now I am just grateful that I have a loving God who provides for us when we need it. Our pantry was okay, but our freezer and fridge almost had moths flying out of them because we were so low on food. However; our needs are always met, never our wants, but always our NEEDS. I got excited because of the gas rewards I earned at the grocery store, so I paid $2.95 a gallon for gas, the car was almost on empty and it cost less than $45 to fill our baby up! We have gas for another week! Yeah! I have enough money to contribute to my group nightly. I am meeting some wonderful people and my sponsor has decided that it is now time for me to start being part of the service community. She found and is going to exploit my weak spot. Oh well, I do the best I can and that is all I can ask of myself and from anyone else. 

Now, I have a little more to do today. So for now, I think I am going to see if I can talk my hubby into driving me some places and give my knee a break. I hope you all have a blessed day. Remember those who are less fortunate than you, never judge anyone lest ye be judged in return, and always, always be kind to others for you NEVER know what kind of battles they are waging in their own lives. Even just a simple smile to a random stranger can change their entire day and while you may never know it, they do and THAT is what matters. Be the kind of person you want others to be and live your life as an example of that. God bless you all.

I don't even know where to start

It's been a little bit since I blogged, but I have at least blogged this month, so this is a good thing. There have been a lot of things happening in a very short amount of time, the least of which has been my sobriety. We have our official orders in hand and there are a LOT of things that need to be done to prepare for that. There are so many power of attorney paperwork that you need to have signed and prepared for both him and I, as well as anyone we authorize stateside to do something on our behalf. I won't even get into the details as to passports, health immunizations, medical clearances, etc. It's exhausting, to say the very least. 

However; right now I am still attending nightly meetings. I am recognizing more and more faces, now to try to put names with faces. So in order to help me with that, my sponsor decided that she had a job for me to do and that job is to be the greeter and greet every single person that walks in that door as well as just clean up the ashtrays when the meeting is over. I think my sponsor has figured out my kryptonite. I am not so much a people person. I am not personally inclined to walk up to someone and welcome them, however; I know that this process is also about stepping outside of our "comfort zone" and doing things we don't necessarily want to do. Like Step 4....I don't want to do that step. So I am kind of intentionally dragging my feet on that one. I do have names on my list and some days I put more than one name on there, but then some of those names bring up so much rage, hate, resentment and anger that I have to stop and just walk away. 

I got to attend my first speaker meeting last night and it was amazing. This man had me laughing so hard at times, but it was serious stuff he was talking about. However; there is one thing he said that stuck with me and I hope it sticks with me for the rest of my life. Alcoholics Anonymous is not about sitting around and talking about all the stupid stuff you did when you were drinking, it's about talking about the things you are doing now that keep you SOBER. As of last night, this man had 17, 089 days of sobriety...and God willing, he will have 17, 090 of sobriety today. This man has been sober longer than I have been ALIVE. Although he had us laughing, he also hit on some points that had some of us shaking our heads in agreement. We've been there. He said something else and I'm going to paraphrase because I can't remember it exactly, but essentially, he said AA is not here to be your higher power, AA is here to HELP OTHERS in their times of crisis with alcohol. We make no judgements, because we can't...we've BEEN that person. 

All in all, things are going as well as can be expected. I still have my moments where I tend to go a little crazy, but I just blame that on the German/Irish in me. I also learned something recently and while some may be upset by me saying this, it's not something I say to shame the family. It actually HELPED me to understand why I am having to battle this disease. I learned that my grandpa (my dad's dad) was an alcoholic. He would work through the week and then come Friday, he'd start drinking, drink through the weekend and my heart broke for my dad when he said that the kids would get excited when he drank...because it meant they were going to have food in the house. And it hit me hard. HARD. Sometimes addictions can skip generations, but myself and my brother have battled them and we still battle our demons. I can't say we're lucky, I can just say that God has some kind of plan for us, because if not...him and I both should have been dead a LONG time ago. 

I think of the damage that I have caused my family and it hurts me. I would budget for my booze. Put off paying the water bill....I need my liquor. Write a check for groceries, if it hits the bank before we get paid, we've got savings to cover it...I need my booze. Saturday came around and I made damn sure that I was at the liquor store buying enough to get me through Sunday...cause in the worst case scenario, you can only buy wine or beer after noon on Sundays...the liquor stores do not operate on those days. I was not a wine or a beer drinker. If I drank wine, I opened a bottle for me and a separate one for everyone else...and I would drink that entire bottle...then open another. Lord help you if you got in my way of going to the liquor store too...I'd tear your head off and not think twice. As I think back now, it never dawned on me that I had a "frequent buyer" card to one of our liquor stores here, because I was there THAT much. I knew cashiers by names and their families! Yet I couldn't tell you shit about what was going on in my own family. 

Now, apparently there was some news show on Nightline this week that had evidence of a study showing that people who have had gastric bypass surgery have a higher tendency of becoming alcoholics somewhere around 3 years + after surgery. Well, looks like I fell in that category. I have gained weight back and probably BECAUSE of my alcohol abuse. Now I have to work twice as hard to get it back off, but I will, becuase my will to live is stronger than my urge to drink. 

That's it people. That's all I've got right now.

Stages of grief

I shared tonight at our meeting and said that I have come to realize that there is the same grieving process we go through when we lose a loved one as we do when we truly commit ourselves to becoming sober. Whether we realize it or not, alcohol became a loved one to us. It was there to comfort us, to help us through difficult situations and for whatever number of reasons we come up with. I am at the anger stage of the grieving process. 

I woke up this morning, angry. Why? Because I woke up at 9:00 and there was a Yoga class at 9:15 that I really wanted to take! That meant I couldn't go to my class...so I was angry! Righteously angry...at nobody and everybody! That meant I had to CHANGE my plans for the day and it meant I was going to have to spend two hours in the gym instead of just doing my original plan which was to just do the 30 minute express workout. I slammed things. I had an outright two year old tantrum! I spent hours being angry....over...NOTHING. 

But it was SOMETHING in my crazy, messed up head! It was something I wanted! I can't drink. I wanted that Yoga class! I couldn't have it. 

Life. Happens. 

But AFTER the gym, I finally felt better. I wasn't as angry. I was exhausted. Mentally. Physically. I didn't have any more room for anger. I had my lunch. I took a nap. A three hour nap and then I felt better. Had dinner and then left for my meeting. Where I shared that I had realized that I was in the beginning stages of healing, but to get there, I have to go through these grieving stages...because let's be honest...I'd love to go grab a bottle of whiskey and just down it...the entire bottle...and I could, but I don't WANT to. That is the difference. 

Life isn't all about happy rainbows and unicorn farts. It's about the chaos that is constantly right in your face and sometimes you can manage to deal with it and sometimes you have to toss it to the side and deal with it later. Everyone has crap they deal with. I am not special. I am not unique. I am just Dee. 

That's it. I'm just me.

I'm a little bummed today

I originally woke up at 6:30 this morning and Pat told me to go back to sleep, so I did. When I woke up at was five minutes before my Yoga class was starting so there went that plan today. I love Angela's classes and I am nowhere near ready for advanced classes so this leaves me with the only option of going to the gym again today. I mean it's fine and all but I was looking forward to relaxing this morning.

Right now I am just waiting for my food to digest so I can leave and get the gym over with. Treat myself to a protein smoothie when I get home. After I shower of course...LOL

Okay so right now I am going to stop watching Snorks and leave. End my punishment early and then take my nap.

Three weeks and still going

Twenty two days...today. Twenty two days SOBER! It sure has heck has not been a cake walk, that is for sure. My dreams are getting even more strange than normal. I dreamed that I was having hallucinations the other night...dude, when you DREAM you are having hallucinations...that's some seriously messed up stuff. However; the further out I get, it still doesn't get "easier", it just gets a tiny bit more manageable is all. 

At this point, I am attributing the major support I am getting from nightly AA meetings, my husband, my Yoga instructors and the gym workouts as a big part of my sobriety. If I stay too busy to think about taking a drink...well then, just stay busy...or sleep. I've slept a LOT the last couple of days. I sleep all night long and then wind up taking about a 5 hour nap in the middle of the day. I still sweat, I still shake, I still stutter from time to time, but seriously...I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not quite sure if it's a train coming through and about to smack me down, but I know that whatever is there...I will meet it head on. 

Oh, I finally accepted that God can truly restore me to sanity. Do you know what this means? It means I have completed Step Two! Next up is Step Three, but I am going to talk to my sponsor about this one. I have the book next to me and I could probably grab it and tell you what that step is, but to be honest, I just want to enjoy completing the second step!

Pat cooked dinner again this evening. Not because I asked him too, but because I was sound asleep on the couch and he didn't want to wake me. He also apparently took Britney out for some small driving lessons. He's a good man and I'm glad he's the one doing it and not me, because right now...it's too much for me to process. Plus, I'd be looking for a brake pedal on my side of the car...lol. Then tonight, after dinner, Brit decided that she was going to bake some cupcakes. Like any person doing something for the first time, she had some hiccups, but all in all, they turned out okay. You know...once you can actually pry the paper off the cupcakes and you don't break a tooth on the first bite. But you know what? She did it ON HER OWN and it makes me proud! If she got confused about something, she asked for help, which makes me even more proud. 

I'm trying more and more to focus on the good things going on in my life. I won't apologize for spending a lot of time talking about my sobriety efforts or the effects it is/has on my body. If you don't want to read about it, then you don't have to. All I know is that right now, this very moment...I am 8 days from hitting 30 days! That is a major accomplishment for me. I am not a quitter, and I don't consider being sober as "quitting"...I see it as a life change. I am a survivor and will forever recover from this disease. 

I hope you all can take some moral inventory, as hard as it may be, and tackle some of the things that you don't like about yourself. Honesty is the hardest pill to swallow. Especially when it comes from your own mind.

Epiphany

Step Two simply states that we recognize a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. I have had no issue stating that I recognize my higher power is God, but I truly struggled with letting go of the control and accepting that He could restore me to sanity. It was put into such a simple, black and white, statement tonight that it truly made me stop and realize that I was the one standing in the way. It was said that there either IS or there IS NOT a power greater than you that can restore you to sanity. It's black and white. There is NO grey area. 

My God CAN restore me to sanity. I need simply to ask. So starting tomorrow morning with my prayers to start my day, I will include my request, and then step back and allow His will to be done with my life. It's amazing once you realize that you are the one blocking your progress! How silly do I feel. Nah, not really. I'm surrounded by people who have sometimes taken years to work all twelve steps. I'd like to think that I won't take that long, because I only have a few more months left stateside to have my sponsor at my fingertips and at my meetings. After that, I'm either going to have to make my own AA meetings overseas or Skype in with some online meetings. I'll have to figure out the time difference and if the meetings are happening at 3 in the morning my time, there is no way I can make that happen. 

Today was all in all a great day. I did go to the gym, which I discussed earlier. I even made it on time to Yoga tonight and had a great session there. I can't wait until the new schedule starts on the 10th of this month because they have added a couple more instructors, some new classes and times and a class specifically for those of us who are "curvy". However; I find that the more I go, the more limber I am becoming, the more in tune with my body I am becoming and honestly, I am learning how to recenter myself when I get anxious or feel overwhelmed. I can take some deep breaths, do a couple different poses and just feel better. I'm still debating on trying Zumba. Maybe in a couple weeks or even next month. 

Right now, I really want to try to make amends with my daughter, who has felt neglected...and when I am honest...she was neglected. Because I was a drunk. My issues spilled over onto my family and they are the ones that suffered from it the most, because the rest of the time, I just didn't care. It's nice to "feel" again. It's nice to smile again. It's even nicer to laugh again. 

I love my family...all of them. I will get to the point where amends will be made. I'm just not at that step yet. For now, I am just going to enjoy my daughter, my husband, our dogs, my AA family and the rest of the time we have left in Texas.

Have a great night all. Hug and love your family tonight. 

Namaste.

I'm trying something new

We found these drinks at H-E-B the other day called Neuro Sleep, Neuro Bliss, Neuro Trim, etc. The sleep one helps you to ease into sleep at night without any added non natural stuff in it. It works, I drink it and usually within a half hour, I can lie down and fall asleep rather easily. I've been drinking the Trim one as well, which is supposed to help with weight loss. Now, I don't know about all that, but the taste reminds me of going out to my grandma's yard and picking grapes straight off the vine and eating them, it takes me back to a nice childhood memory. The best part, other than the taste, is that it only has 35 calories in it and it's non carbonated. The Bliss one is supposed to help you de-stress naturally, it's lightly carbonated, and the taste isn't bad but it is not my favorite. 

I'm not endorsing them, in any way, I am just saying that the one for sleep seems to work really well. 

Britney and I went to the gym today and worked out for a bit. She surprises me more and more every day. She was running on the treadmill today at 6.8 mph for about 7 minutes when she looks over at me, points to her knee and says it hurts, so I tell her to get off the treadmill. However; prior to that, she has been on the treadmill for about 25 minutes at a pretty good pace of 4.0 mph. There was an Army Reservist there working out on the treadmill, and my 13 yr old daughter, ran circles around him. After him being on the treadmill at 4.5 mph for 10 minutes, he shut it down and doubled over gasping for air....poor dude weighed maybe 145 pounds max. Just goes to show that you never know what a person is capable of just by their looks. This Army wife wound up running circles around him on the treadmill and I weigh significantly more than he does. One of the trainers fussed at him for dropping the weights because he tried to do too much. Meanwhile, my daughter and I are doing arm workouts pulling or pushing anywhere from 30 - 60 pounds and doing leg presses at 90 pounds and pushing and pulling 60 pounds on the inner and outer thigh machines and pushing 90 pounds while working on our glutes. 50 pounds on our abs. Her and I may not have a lot of upper body strength, but we are working on it and while I was literally soaked in sweat, I felt bad for this Reservist because he was just trying to impress the ladies...and we were ALL at a much higher level than this guy. He just needs to come back and work on it a little at a time and build up to it. That's what the rest of us have done. 

I'm getting better at ignoring the wine and beer sections at the grocery stores. It doesn't bother me anymore. Sure, I can smell an open something and my mouth may water, but it doesn't mean that I have to take that drink. I can sit back, do my shopping, go home and have some ice tea or water and be just as happy. I'm enjoying my life right at this moment. I'm going to the gym daily, unless my knee dictates otherwise, and I am doing daily Yoga routines as well and those poses I can modify so that there isn't as much pressure on my knee if it's a bad day. Tonight I'll be working with someone I haven't worked with before, so this should be interesting. Right now, I just hope that I have some workout clothes clean and dry before class starts, otherwise I'm going to miss out and I need that extra hour of workout today. This weight cannot stay on forever if I am doing two completely different types of workouts every day, because it's always working different sets of muscles in different ways. Nothing is the same from day to day. Besides, you can't have a 30 inch waist and weigh 250 pounds...it's physically impossible. So here is to doing well so far today. 

I'll be back later!

Sponsorship

Tonight was the meeting where I finally felt comfortable with someone to ask them if they would be willing to be my sponsor. She accepted and we began our conversation. I admitted that I had done Step One, but I am struggling with Step Two and we discussed that. She reconfirmed that I am getting ahead of myself and trying to jump ahead a few steps, which cannot be done, until finish Step Two. My struggle is not that I do not believe in God, but that I struggle with the whole concept of He can return me to sanity. I have to come to terms with that and firmly believe that He can and will, before I can move on. 

I will get there. Eventually. For now, I continue to just take things as they come.

I enjoy my meetings. I enjoy the people there. I love feeling like I finally belong somewhere. I no longer feel as crazy as I once did. Which, ironically enough, was just a few weeks ago. Mentally I am slowly getting back to a clear head. I still have my crazy moments and get angry. I still slam things, but then I go to the gym and just work it out there. I can work as hard as I want to get the anger out and I am not harming anyone, which is amazing in itself. 

I am overall just feeling better tonight. I think it's all a combination of things. Keeping a daily journal. Writing a daily blog (or two). Taking my medication on schedule. Talking to my husband, to friends, to family and being honest with my daughter when she asks questions. At this point, I am looking forward to going with her to her first Alateen meeting on Monday at 8:00. Granted, I will be in the AA meeting, but she will be in the same building just in a separate room with kids her age who are going through the same thing, it will give her some perspective from kids that she can relate to. 

There is a lot of anger, anxiety and just a lot of confusion as to why mommy has the issues that she does. She doesn't understand why I have the addiction that I do. I hope this helps her. If she is not comfortable with this group of kids, then there are a couple other groups we can try. If nothing else, then I will just take her with me on open discussion nights. It's not my ideal situation, but anything I can do that can help her, then I am willing to do it. 

I'm a little tired today, but a two hour workout and then a taxing meeting will wear you down. However; my plan is to try to get back to church tomorrow. I believe I will be able to make it through with minimal withdrawal symptoms. Plus, I just feel like God is speaking directly to me through a couple different ways today, making me see that I am still His child and His love is unending and unconditional. 

Now, on to the next step. 

For tonight, I will end as we do in our meetings:
Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be they name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day, our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever and ever. Amen.

Good night all.

Self enlightenment

If we look at the definition, as found at www.dictionary.reference.com, we see that it says this:

en·light·en·ment

 [en-lahyt-n-muhnt] Show IPA

noun

1.the act of enlightening.

2.the state of being enlightened: to live in spiritual enlightenment.

3.( usually initial capital letter ) Buddhism, Hinduism . prajna.

4.the Enlightenment, a philosophical movement of the 18th century, characterized by belief in the power of human reason and by innovations in political, religious, and educational doctrine.

 

The one that hits me the most today is number four - 'characterized by belief in the power of human reason AND by innovations in political, religous and educational doctrine.' Now I may be wrong here and I am open to hearing others interpretations of the same definition and why it strikes them. I guess my belief system, is a little skewed at times, but what it really all boils down to is that every facet of our lives, regardless of how we try to separate them, causes true enlightenment once you face it. 

 

Now, I am NOT a religious "nut" that is so generalized that it drives me insane. I am also not a political person by nature. I couldn't care less to be quite honest about it. Leave me alone and I'll leave you alone. Simple. Education varies so greatly from state to state, city to city, school district to school district. I do have an opinion on education and it is that I believe the no child left behind act is the biggest bunch of bull I have ever seen happen to our schools and two, I believe there should be STANDARDIZED teaching ACROSS.THE.BOARD. If you transfer from one school to another in mid year of 6th grade, we'll use the example because you are a military family, then I believe that regardless of WHERE you move to, that child should be able to pick up EXACTLY where they left off at from the other school. Again, that is just my opinion. 

 

However; the last couple of days since my brain doesn't seem to race and my body seems to be able to have some controllable movements, I have had a chance to take a peek inside and have some self enlightenment of my own. I'll be honest, it's scary as heck what I find inside me. People really should be afraid. I'm not entirely sure if I am kidding there or not. I do find that looking in and evaluating a few things is not bad. I have to work a few more steps before I have to take my moral inventory, so I know I am getting ahead of myself, but that's just me. I look at step one, skip to the end, read the last step and then try to get all the pieces and parts to look like it does in the picture. Oh sure, sometimes I get an extra screw or a piece of wood...but all in all...it mostly looks like it should. That's how I feel right about now. 

 

Like there are a lot of pieces of me lying around in different areas. A screw here, a nut there, a bolt over there, some wire and aluminum in some other state. I feel scattered and I guess that's the best visual description I can give to you right now. I would love to have some wonderful self enlightenment to share, but the truth is that all I have discovered is that inside myself, it is a dark, scary, very lonely world. 

 

Someone said it best last night at our meeting. "Humans are social creatures by nature. Alcoholics always feel out of place, no matter where we go or who we hang out with, with our buddies at the bar or wherever. We are constantly seeking someplace to just feel like this is where we belong. Where we are welcome. A.A. IS where I finally feel like I found my place in the world." I agreed with him then an I still agree with him. I make no excuses for what I have done to myself and to my family and friends. I can only apologize and wake up each day thanking God for allowing me to wake up again. And at the end of the day, I thank Him for allowing me to make it today without a drink. I give it to Him and I am going to trust. 

 

Because that is all I can do right now. Trust. 

I like the color blue

Not that the title to this has any bearing whatsoever, but I just felt like sharing an honest truth in my opening. I not only like the color blue, I adore the color blue. I bleed blue, but that's because I was a good southern girl raised in the great Commonwealth of Kentucky where the ONLY basketball team worth mentioning is the University of Kentucky Wildcats. GO BIG BLUE!! Sometimes, it's a shame that I find myself temporarily stuck in Texas who has the fixation with the ugliest color of orange I have ever seen. Not that I don't like orange, I do. My high school colors were blue and orange and they were awesome! Somehow I find myself digressing from whatever it was that I was going to talk about. 

So moving on now. 

Welcome to the sudden left turns that I take in my thought process. God bless my husband, because he has to live with me on a daily basis and he still loves me. Even when I am in mid sentence and then pop off with some random thought that instantly entered my head. A good visualization is you are driving straight down a road and then the passenger suddenly screams, "TURN LEFT NOW". That is how my brain works. However; it does work. Broken and scattered as it may be...it will surprise each of you that I turned down an invitation to join Mensa, because yes, my IQ is that high. No college degree. No idea what I want to be when I grow up. However; I am smart. I hope that if I rub against my kids enough or give them enough hugs, that some of my excess brain cells will somehow flake off and soak into their head. It works, ya know, in theory.

I met with my primary doctor today so he could see where I was at in my detox process. He is happy with the progress, but still concerned about a few lingering issues, especially the shakes and the insane need to move...lots! However; when I take the medicine as instructed, it helps calm me. I will currently stay on the same dosage and call him at least 3 days before I need a refill and he will make sure it gets taken care of. I will follow up with him again in two weeks and we will go from there. I did tell him about the rule about going to my meetings without being under the influence of any type of mind altering drugs, and let's be honest, the medicine he has me on is definitely mind altering. My doctor assured me that since it was a prescription medication, while he was truly impressed that I am going to nightly meetings and following their rules, but he was also certain that because it was prescribed for my withdrawal issues there should be no issue. Just to make sure, after our meeting tonight, I spoke with the moderator and explained to him that when our meetings start is when I am due to take my last dose of the day, but the rule was no mind altering substances. He reassured me that as long as it was a prescription medication, with my name on it, with the dosage amount and who the doctor was...there was NO issue with taking it either before or even during the meeting and IF I brought the medication with me, to please allow one of the moderators to lock it in the safe and after everyone had cleared out, they would remove it from the safe and return it to me. So that is one road block that I have been able to clear.

I still haven't found a sponsor. What I have decided is that I am going to put it in God's hands. I am going to allow him to lead someone to me. He knows what I need most right now, definitely more so than I. So my prayers at night and in the morning are still very simple. Thank you for giving me another day on this earth. Thank you for taking away the craving. Help me get through today. Your will, not mine, be done. 

Simple. Yet so hard to take those steps. And make it public, so that you all can call me on my crap. 

Good night all. May God, or the Higher Power as you understand them, bless and keep you. 

The Desire Chip

I picked up another desire chip tonight after our meeting. Not because I was necessarily making an outward sign to try to not drink for 24 hours, but because a certain dog in my house decided that my first desire chip was well...desirable. I try to carry this chip in my pocket at all times so that when I get a little itchy or nervous or shaky, I have a physical reminder that I can reach in and touch that reminds me of my sincere desire to remain sober. It is my physical reminder that I only have to not drink for 24 hours...every day. I am counting down the days now to when I can get my 30 day sobriety chip! It's numbers and I have an obsession with numbers. 16 days sober = 14 days until I am 30 days sober and I can celebrate that accomplishment! 

I've also finally figured out the equation to reviving my metabolism and getting the weight I have gained to come back off. Although I feel like I am a yo-yo right now. Lose 7 pounds, bust the knee up a little, take a week off and somehow manage to gain 10 pounds. Get back in the gym after a week off, I've gone three days this week and when I weighed at the Allergists office this morning, I was down 3 pounds from a week ago. All of a sudden, I had this epiphany. Hmmm...go to the gym, every day, work out doing both cardio and some minor weight training, concentrating on strengthening the knee, working on building some upper body strength, get back into Yoga a few times a week and drink a crap load of water = weight loss. Will power. Transfer addiction. 

Oh, transfer addiction. Let's talk about that for a little bit. They warn you before having weight loss surgery that at SOME point we are going to have transfer addiction, because essentially, while some truly had medical conditions that contributed to their obesity, it still boiled down to the fact that we were ALL addicted to food. Great. I thought I could be that one that did everything right. Then I started smoking. Then I started drinking, slowly. Then I quit smoking. I couldn't eat a lot, but by gosh I could drink like a fish. It's a slippery slope. Now that I am battling the alcohol addiction. I went back to smoking. Just a couple at home, outside, during the day and then roughly 5 during A.A. meetings. I was honest with the allergist today when he asked if I smoked and then I proceeded to be even more honest about my alcohol addiction and that I am in the midst of battling that. I told him that I know this is transfer addiction, but that when I get to the point that I can truly handle not being an addict of any sort, then there are medications that can help me stop smoking. He surprised me with what he said after that. He said, "I am not going to come down on you for smoking. You are battling addiction, a serious disease, and you know the ramifications. You are also aware that you have simply transferred one for another and you also know that you CAN stop that as well. Take your addictions and battle them one at a time. When you are sober for a time, and you decide you no longer wish to smoke, then I truly believe that you will seek that help in doing so." What? I had a doctor NOT fussing because I was smoking? Isn't that in their handbook somewhere to counsel people about this? Hey...then I realized that he understood that I am truly working at this. So, we're going to work on the allergies that Texas is sharing with me in spades! 

I'm not real sure where I am going from here, but I do know that somewhere in all this obscurity, there is some kind of meaning. I don't know, maybe it's just rambling. Oh yes...my point was the desire chip. Which I addressed already. Okay. 

Oh, something funny to share. Bailee has decided that their continuous water feeder bowl in the kitchen is her personal pool. She has apparently flooded the kitchen three times today. I find it amazing that she has ONLY done this when I am not at home. I'm not sure if she knows she can get away with that behavior while I am gone or if she has just decided that she didn't want to go outside and play in their pool. Either way, it's not acceptable, had I been here she would have been punished. Apparently my husband and my daughter do not have the ability to punish the puppy, because she is "just a puppy." 

Oh, we did go to the gym again today. Wait, did I talk about this already? Okay, so I talked about my equation, but not about us going today. Ah ha! Pat, Brit and I all went today. Pat did about 20 minutes on the treadmill switching his run between 4.5 mph and 6 mph at 0 incline. Brit did 20 minutes at the cardio level 1 and then did a manual setting and ran at 6.5 mph for 10 minutes. I was SO proud of her! Then she worked on her inner and outer thighs doing 50 pounds of weight and 3 sets of 15. Then over to the upper body machine where she did just a couple push ups, but hey it was more than I can do. She ended on the glute machine pushing 50 pounds doing 3 sets of 10 on each leg. I can't tell you what all Pat did...I was concentrating on my own workout. Thighs, glutes, abs, cardio, and ending with upper body. Needless to say, we'd been there an hour and a half before we realized it. I left with my shirt soaked in sweat. 

So what better way to go to H-E-B? It's not like I was going to Wal-Mart where we needed to get dressed up....LOL. Sorry...personal joke there. We went in, soaked in sweat, with probably a little musky smell to us and picked up some salad stuff, lemon packets for my tea and I was able to find some yogurt that I can have that is lactose free and relatively low in sugar. At which point, we came home, I made hamburgers, Pat grilled them and we had a salad. I was able to shower, while my legs screamed and ached, but got dressed and made it to the 8:00 meeting! 

I love these meetings. Open, honest, and the best thing...NO JUDGEMENTS! You are welcomed with open arms regardless of where you are in your journey. New, old, somewhere in the middle...we're all in the same boat. The only thing I didn't do today was attempt to find a sponsor. I am going to put that in God's hands and let his will be done. I will get a sponsor when it's time and not a moment sooner. 

For now. I am alive. I am breathing. I am blessed.

La la la...

This is how I feel tonight. It's not a bad feeling and not a great feeling, but it is nice to just feel a little more like myself. I am not craving the alcohol. I am not shaking nearly as bad. The withdrawal process is coming to an end, slowly but oh so surely. I have already done Step One, from the book Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. 
Step One - "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable."
Who cares to admit complete defeat? Admission of powerlessness is the first step in liberation. Relation of humility to sobriety. Mental obsession plus physical allergy. Why must every A.A. hit bottom?

I have not gotten a sponsor yet, so right now, this is as far as I have gotten in my Twelve Steps. Simply admitting to the fact that I had become powerless over anything was difficult. I am not a weak person. I am not an extremely dependent person. I put my mind to do something and neither hell nor high water shall keep me from at least attempting to gain whatever it is that I decide I want. It never dawned on me that my wanting a drink was more than just me wanting a drink. I was stressed, depressed, angry...whatever. It took a seemingly harmless conversation with my husband one morning, where he said something and I honestly looked at him like he had sprouted an alien head from his shoulders. My question was quite simple and his answer was, "wow, well that makes me feel rotten." Meaningless, seemingly simple conversation...and I had ZERO recall of any of it. It was the next day that I became blatantly honest with my doctor and we started the ball rolling. 


I now go to nightly A.A. meetings, not because I am court ordered, not because I have a probation or parole officer, or a judge "suggesting" that I attend these meetings. I attend the meetings because I need to know that I am not alone in my journey. I was in my fifth meeting when I first shared and started off just like everyone else with the typical, "My name is Dee and I am an alcoholic." It was then that I first heard myself say that I had not had a drink in however many days at that point, but I was just then admitting that I was completely, utterly powerless over alcohol, and my life had become truly unmanageable...because of my OWN doing. 


Next up, 
Step Two - "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
What can we believe in? A.A. does not demand belief; Twelve Steps are only suggestions. Importance of an open mind. Variety of ways to faith. Substitution of A.A. as Higher Power. Plight of the disillusioned. Roadblocks of indifference and prejudice. Lost faith found in A.A. Problems of intellectuality and self-sufficiency. Negative and positive thinking. Self-righteousness. Defiance is an outstanding characteristic of alcoholics. Step Two is a rallying point to sanity. Right relation to God.

This is the step I am currently working on. I recognize God as my higher power, but I struggle with the fact that I have to release the control of my own will and give it to Him. I am human. I err. I get confused and I like having control. While I believe in my God...I am not at the point that I can truly believe that He can honestly and rightly return me to sanity. While I believe He is carrying me fully and completely right now in my journey...I feel like I am failing by not fully trusting Him to return me to my sanity. 


Once again, I will get there. I really wish I had a sponsor to talk to about these feelings. Maybe that should be my next step. I need to find a sponsor. That will be on my to-do list tomorrow. Start making phone calls and see where God is going to lead me. My prayers have been almost non-existent and that is my own fault. I've been driven to my knees and I failed to remember that I have been in the perfect position to pray. Now, to remember who is my Redeemer, my Deliverer and who is not going to leave me and will always, ALWAYS welcome me back with open arms and I know that His love is completely without strings and unconditional. 


So, tonight. I want to just thank God, for all the small things He does for me everyday that I have become completely blind to in my self-centeredness.
 

Memorial Day 2012

Memorial Day - The day we set aside to honor those who have selflessly served our country and fought for the freedoms we have today. 

Most people use this three day weekend to gather with family and friends to celebrate the fact that they have a three day weekend. There are Bar-B-Ques, gatherings, drinks, laughter and camaraderie . Some look at this weekend as the beginning of summer. Then there are those that remember and honor this holiday as it should be. For our family and countless others, we have a friend that we miss, that is no longer with us and he served his country and loved doing it. Unfortunately, there were some toxic things in his life that wound up taking his life from us all. I do not let those things diminish the great times he had with his friends and they do not tarnish the few times I had with him as well, because at his core, he was a good man. Just a lost one who didn't know where to make the correct turns. 


I know this post is a little out of place in the scheme of things. That is because I have spent the better part of two days trying to figure out exactly what I wanted to say. I still don't really know, so instead I am just letting things flow out as they enter my mind. Call it thoughtless writing or whatever. I am going to call this allowing the spirit within run free, without restraint.


My thought processes are still a little unorganized, so bear with me. I am working on me right now. This weekend though gave me a lot of time to stop and reevaluate some things in my life. Caused me to focus on the things and people that matter. My family. My friends. My loved ones that I have lost. Most importantly, it truly gave me pause while standing at our friends grave and turning a full 380 degrees and seeing nothing but row upon row of small American flags lovingly placed at each and every single grave...at each and every single person who gave their lives so that I could freely stand and gaze upon their head stones. Young men and women. Old men and women. Wives buried with their husbands who faithfully served, knowing that those wives served just as their husbands did simply in a different capacity. The hardest ones for me to see? The children. The babies. My heart ached as I watched a soldier and his wife visit the site of their beloved child, to watch this soldier stand at attention and salute his son, who only knew his parents for such a short time, but his parents will never forget him. To watch this soldier bend on one knee and lovingly stroke the headstone allowing his tears to flow freely, without shame, to bend down further and kiss the headstone, while the wife simply sat on her knees with her head bowed, shoulders slumped and tissues in hand. I could not begin to fathom the pain and I did not dare approach to offer my sympathies. This was their moment, their time with their son, their son who was honored just like every other soldier surrounding him. 


We forget just how much we take for granted. We forget, even I at times, forget what my husband and our friends sacrifice for us. Without ever asking for recognition or thanks. To them, this is their Duty, their Honor, they do it without pridefullness, but they have so much Pride in our country. I've heard the saying, never leave a man behind, and they mean that! In my personal life right now, I am battling demons so great that I am being torn apart bit by bit, and I watch  my husband apply the principles and dedication he has ingrained in him from his service, and it doesn't matter how bad it gets...he NEVER leaves me behind. Never. I love him all the more for that. 


My husband serves, therefore our family serves, but we are not recognized for the sacrifices we make for our country. We are the silent ranks. Well, some of us are silent and some of us are not. I'm not sure where I fall in that category at this point. All I know is that to each of my friends that are serving, have currently served, or you are part of the silent ranks...to each of you...I salute you. 


For those that have gone on before us. Rest assured that while you may be gone, you are most definitely not forgotten. And one day, we will see you again and can rejoice together.

14 Days!

Celebrate the small victories, don't worry about what tomorrow may be, and thank God for the fact that He gave you today to live. Right now, that is how I am having to live my life. Celebrating the small victories. 

I am 14 days sober today. 14 days. Two weeks. I am so close to my half way point to my 30 day sober chip and I want to jump up and down and clap! I haven't had an urge to take a drink in three days now. I'm still dealing with some residual withdrawal symptoms. Mainly shaking and stuttering, but mentally I am in a much better place. Oh, I forgot the sweats. Yeah, I sweat...for sure. Worse than any hot flash ever hit me. My body is finally filtering out the toxins I ingested. Yay!

We went to the gym today to workout. Pat, Brit and I. It was like pulling teeth to get Brit to go, but she did go and that is all that really matters. We got her out of the house, away from the television and made her physically move her body. I am going to go talk to my Yoga instructor and see if there is something we can work out temporarily payment wise so that I can continue to do that because it was seriously helping. Brit also wants to try Zumba, so maybe her and I can plan on just doing one drop in class at some point and try it, see if we like it and then we can go from there. I did okay with my knee today at the gym without the brace, but I paid for it later with residual deep pain and ache in the middle of my knee. I did no jogging though! Tomorrow, I'll start out with a 15 minute cardio warm up and then spend more time concentrating on strength training and then I'll finish off with 15 minutes on the stationary bike. I won't be alone though, I will be meeting a couple of the women in my group there so we can work out together. Afterwards, we'll shower at the gym and then head over to our meeting. 

I also learned tonight that I can bring my dogs to the meetings! I was so excited because it means I can take Tiberius with me from time to time. It will give him some alone time with just momma and away from his brother and sister, who seem to be getting on his nerves a little bit lately. Anyway...how awesome is it that you can bring your dog to an A.A. meeting??? 

Okay, for now, I am a little tired. My medicine is starting to kick in and I am going to have a small snack, some tea and then call it a night. 

 Good night and God bless you all!

So far, it is a nice relaxed Sunday

I woke up a little later than I normally do, but not quite as late as I did yesterday, so that is an improvement. Unfortunately I still woke up with the shakes. I'm told that will eventually stop. I'd like it to stop rather quickly, but my body is having to recover from the abuse that it suffered from my own person. I'm still not feeling quite at a point where I am comfortable back in church, but I know that I will get to the time when I will feel safer going there. I already feel enough shame when my immediate family has to watch me shake, tremor and stutter profusely and the people in my nightly group have all been there themselves, so it's nothing new to them. What I don't want to happen is to be sitting in church and have a spell and then a very well intentioned member try to comfort me and say the right things. This is not something that a person can be comforted through and there are no right things to say. So, for now...I will continue my detox process at home or at my meetings. 

I'm actually really excited today. Today we are going to meet a woman that I have been talking to on facebook for a while now who lives in south Austin and we are just outside of north Austin. It took us some planning and configurations but we FINALLY nailed down a date. So our families are going to meet, cook out burgers and dogs, beans, watermelon and I am going to make her a butterscotch pecan pie that I am going to make her take home with her. It's good, but it's really rich and it's made with actual Scotch. Sure, it essentially cooks out, but I can still taste it and I look at that as breaking my streak. Why? Because today is 12 days and I am finally starting to come out of the major withdrawals. So, why start all over???

No. Thank you. 

Pat took the dogs to the doggie park today for a little bit. I stayed behind because it's just too hot outside for me to be out there. I sweat enough as it is...lol. For now though, I am going to run to Target and pick up a few things before Shannon and her family get here. That should give me enough time to get beans and the pecan pie made.  

Okay, so I wound up baking the pie and fixing the beans while Larry and Pat, mainly Larry, fixed the kabobs...Pat was there for great moral support...lol. I sent the butterscotch pecan pie home with Shannon and her family and from what I understand, she is thoroughly enjoying it. Larry was in shock and thrilled when I informed him that not only were they taking the pie, they were also going home with the bottle of Scotch used in the making of said pie. Apparently the Scotch I used for baking was his favorite. Excellent! I got rid of a bottle of alcohol and it's going to a home where it will be lovingly cared for...LOL

I cannot tell you the amount of laughs we had with this family. Our kids all got along, very well, and all of us adults laughed a lot and I laughed harder than I have in a long, long time tonight. It is very safe to say that we have new friends and just personally speaking, I am beyond thrilled! Pat and Larry have a lot of things that they enjoy and can talk about. Shannon and I are basically cut from the same cloth. And apparently, we will be having a Monty Python get together soon. Ummm. I cannot tell you just how much I am looking forward to that...lol. I don't get the whole Monty Python thing. I'm more of a Rocky Horror kind of girl myself, but I don't knock what they enjoy. It's hilarious...even if I don't completely understand it. My husband enjoys it and that is all that matters. 

I did not attend AA tonight. Am I sad? Absolutely not. I had too good of a time at home to want to go to the meeting. I am not under court orders to attend and I firmly believe that God truly had a hand in tonight for me. He knows our greatest needs and He provides for what we need, when we need it. I needed to laugh, to smile, to relax and just let my walls down for a little bit. 

Thank you to Shannon, Larry, their children, my husband and my daughter...for everything tonight. For the laughs. For the shared sarcasm. For everyone just being themselves. I will never be able to thank you all for the things you provided for me tonight. 

Intolerance, anger, family and the urge to "understand" or "fix" me

I spent this evening at my meeting with my fellow crazies, otherwise known as my fellow alcoholics, and we each own that. We each took different paths to get there, but the important thing is that we got there. Some of them say that "The state of Texas 'suggested' I come to AA" and we all chuckle, and I am sure some of you will read that and wonder what is so funny about it. Well, that's why we all say we're crazy. There is a fine line between sane and insane...we know we walk that fine line each day that we wake up and make the decision to NOT drink that day. 

Now, I want to share something. I come from a long line of crazy. I come from a long line of strong willed people. I come from a long line of "fixers". I had a conversation with someone today that told me they were praying for me, but there were a couple we know that were not praying for me. I feel like a pariah because I broke the sacred family rule...I acknowledged that I have a problem so that means that there is now no way to unacknowledge the giant pink elephant in the room. Denial is NOT a river in Egypt my friends, but it's something that some people I know live by. If you don't want to pray for me, that's fine. I'm not angry. Please don't be angry at me for having the courage to openly state that I have a disease. I cannot be "fixed" and unless YOU are an alcoholic, then the honest truth is that you will NEVER understand where I am, what I have gone through, what I am going through or what I will continue to battle. That's okay! You don't have to fix me. I'm not broken. I am just sick and fighting a disease that still baffles most. 

Intolerance...let's talk about this. I am 11 days sober today. I do not look down my nose on anyone for whatever their circumstances. However; people have intolerance for me right now. They cannot tolerate the fact that I am just being honest. Not brutally so, just truly looking inside me and the demons I have to conquer. If at any point, you "help" someone by tearing them down and making them feel completely inadequate, so that you can feel better about yourself...you are exhibiting intolerance and just downright horrid behavior. If you are an alcoholic and you want to come talk to me, then talk to me like you would anyone else, don't try to tear me down in order to build yourself up and place yourself on a pedestal. When you fall, I will not be there to laugh or point, but I will be on solid footing waiting to hold my hand out to you and help you back up. Because that is what alcoholics do, those of us that are getting help, we reach out to others and talk to them and offer them help that we receive. 

I was not one of those who received a visit from some members of AA. I was not a "social" drinker, meaning that I did not go to a bar to drink with others. Oh sure, if I was out with others, I would have some drinks. Most usually I lost count of what all I drank and a couple of times, I drank enough and was "functional" enough that a few of my drinks were on the house. How sad is that? A person can drink enough that would make a normal person pass out and I could pass a sobriety test. I'd blow off the charts though if they had me take a breathalyzer test though...no doubt in my mind...I would have been put in a holding cell to sleep it off. Thank goodness I have a husband who loves me and never once allowed me to go to the bars alone, not that he didn't trust me, but he would make sure I was not bothered while I got plastered. For the most part, I drank at home, alone. I didn't have a bartender to cut me off, because I was my own bartender. Had I gotten one of those visits from members of AA, at the time I would have listened, taken their information, thanked them for coming and then I would have thrown their literature in the garbage. I didn't have a problem. We had family issues that gave me a reason for drinking. I had personal demons that gave me a reason to hide in a bottle. I'd justify my drinking any way I could. Chicken parmesan for dinner? Well, you should have a nice glass of wine with that pasta dish, you know...to help bring out the flavors. Weather forecast predicted a 20% chance of rain...come to find out that Noah probably should have built an Ark for my front yard...I can't go out and do anything in the rain, so I'm gonna stay in and have a drink. 

I was of the thought that an alcoholic started drinking before noon. I wasn't an alcoholic. I didn't drink before noon. Heck no. I'd go in and get my glass down, set the whiskey bottle on the counter and when the clock said 12:01, I poured my first drink. I didn't drink BEFORE noon...so I didn't have a problem. Everyone else had a problem. It was 5 o'clock somewhere. Blah, blah, blah. Britney got a good grade. I celebrated with a drink. Britney got in trouble at school. I dealt with it  by having a drink. Pat was in a bad mood. I drank his bad mood away. Angry? Have a drink. Happy? Have a drink. Depressed? Drink it away. 

My family doesn't understand. One wants to know what is the "root" of the problem. Well, what I am learning is that there is no "root" of the problem that can be "fixed". This is truly a disease and one that can be treated. I will never have a day in my life where I won't be an alcoholic. However; I will eventually have more days that are good than I have days where I am withdrawing. Eventually, I will be able to fully live my life. My days will be replaced with actually living instead of craving a drink and white knuckling through the urge to fix a drink. 

However; I made it through another day. With God's grace, I made it through. I want to share this last thing and then I am calling this done. Each meeting is opened with The Serenity Prayer and we end each meeting with The Lord's Prayer. So if there is anyone reading this that thinks you may have a problem with alcohol. I will ask that you attend a local AA meeting. There are no judgements made and even if you don't have a belief in God, that is okay as well. Only when you start working the steps are you asked to recognize God as YOU understand it in your life...essentially, you just need to recognize that there is SOME KIND of higher power that will help you overcome your struggles. We do not recognize any one specific higher power, but my personal belief system is that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and He is my higher power. 

Thanks for listening to my babble. 
My name is Dee and I am alcoholic. 
And that's all I got right now. 

In search of...a post continued from the 23rd

I have no clue as to what I am in search of. I didn't have a single clever idea as to how to title this post. So instead I will just type all the things that come to mind and maybe something will come to me by the end of this. 

I am pretty sure that some will get tired of reading about my journey right now with detox and recovery from alcohol. Lord himself knows that I am pretty tired of battling it myself. However; this is my single outlet where I can type whatever I am thinking and if I feel like publishing and sharing it, I can...and if not...well then it doesn't matter what anyone thinks about this because you obviously won't be reading it. 

Ohhhh...that's a nice change of font for me. Sorry. I'm like a child who has ADHD....or a new puppy. *Squirrel*!!!

Today was interesting in the sense that our lovely water department made a boo-boo and when Fed-Ex showed up at our door with a package, we found a lovely notice hanging on our door stating that they had shut our water off for non-payment. Wow. That's interesting. Because I have a confirmation number that says I did pay it. Now, the most frustrating part?? Even though I have the confirmation number that says we paid it, I STILL had to pay the full balance that they showed was past due PLUS a reconnect fee and AFTER they complete their research on the confirmation number will we receive a credit for what was paid...but I am still out that additional charge. So, what is the lesson learned from this? I am going to physically walk in to the office, pay it in person and get a receipt from the clerk that shows DEFINITIVELY that it was paid. Screw me over once, shame on you. Screw me over twice, shame on me. 

So, groceries will have to wait for another 7-8 days. We have food that I can stretch to last, it will just deplete the stock pile is all. I'll pick up the basics like milk or bread, but the major shopping will have to wait until next payday. Okay, I am going to pause here because it's time for me to leave and head to the 8 o'clock AA meeting. *Reminder* Alateen for Britney.

Tonight's meeting was a discussion of the 12 Steps. It was interesting. Well, every meeting is interesting. However; I found myself tonight actually connecting familiar faces with names. Maybe over time I'll remember them all, but for now the one or two I remember is okay by me. I purchased The Big Book as well as Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. I hear all these people talk about what is in the big book and I know they aren't talking about the Bible because that is the good book. However; what I have found is that for alcoholics, The Big Book, in a sense IS a bible...it's the alcoholics go to reading material second only to each individuals interpretation of their higher power...because without a belief in a higher power that can restore you, you are essentially doomed to fail. We cannot depend nor can we make a human a higher power...my higher power is God...or my interpretation of God. So, I now have two separate and different "bibles"...one that is The Good Book, that God plants different verses in my head from or makes me see what is plainly in front of me...the other one, the big book, I have yet to open the cover on. It's still early in the day for me...I will open it and read some today.

I may even face a couple of my other fears and pick up the Bible study where I left off at...because it was forcing me to face my human fears and inadequacies...which I ran screaming from. I was not ready for that. I couldn't handle the psychoanalyzation of myself under the microscope of God...or what I thought was the microscope. It was too real. Too much. Too fast. I ran...and drowned myself in whatever way I could. That didn't make me a "bad" person, or a hypocrite, it simply said that I am human...and as humans we err...greatly. My ultimate goal is to become more Christ-"like"...to be accepting of those who do not know Him as their personal savior and to share His love with them, regardless of our differences, disparities or whatever else. I lost sight and ran back to the world where I thought that acceptance would be waiting for me. 

What I have found instead is pain, hurt, anger, self loathing and a depth of overwhelming sadness, depression and grief that I have not known in a very long time. I have also learned that my church family, admit they have problems of their own and they reach out where they are accepted and loved and helped, and they have reached out to me with nothing but love and acceptance. I am just mentally still in a place where I feel such overwhelming shame that I cannot take that first step back into my church. I will though. I know I will. I just need to heal a little bit more before heading back. 

For the rest of today...I am going to focus on my mental acuity and wellness. 

I love you all. Each of you and I thank you.