The Desire Chip

I picked up another desire chip tonight after our meeting. Not because I was necessarily making an outward sign to try to not drink for 24 hours, but because a certain dog in my house decided that my first desire chip was well...desirable. I try to carry this chip in my pocket at all times so that when I get a little itchy or nervous or shaky, I have a physical reminder that I can reach in and touch that reminds me of my sincere desire to remain sober. It is my physical reminder that I only have to not drink for 24 hours...every day. I am counting down the days now to when I can get my 30 day sobriety chip! It's numbers and I have an obsession with numbers. 16 days sober = 14 days until I am 30 days sober and I can celebrate that accomplishment! 

I've also finally figured out the equation to reviving my metabolism and getting the weight I have gained to come back off. Although I feel like I am a yo-yo right now. Lose 7 pounds, bust the knee up a little, take a week off and somehow manage to gain 10 pounds. Get back in the gym after a week off, I've gone three days this week and when I weighed at the Allergists office this morning, I was down 3 pounds from a week ago. All of a sudden, I had this epiphany. Hmmm...go to the gym, every day, work out doing both cardio and some minor weight training, concentrating on strengthening the knee, working on building some upper body strength, get back into Yoga a few times a week and drink a crap load of water = weight loss. Will power. Transfer addiction. 

Oh, transfer addiction. Let's talk about that for a little bit. They warn you before having weight loss surgery that at SOME point we are going to have transfer addiction, because essentially, while some truly had medical conditions that contributed to their obesity, it still boiled down to the fact that we were ALL addicted to food. Great. I thought I could be that one that did everything right. Then I started smoking. Then I started drinking, slowly. Then I quit smoking. I couldn't eat a lot, but by gosh I could drink like a fish. It's a slippery slope. Now that I am battling the alcohol addiction. I went back to smoking. Just a couple at home, outside, during the day and then roughly 5 during A.A. meetings. I was honest with the allergist today when he asked if I smoked and then I proceeded to be even more honest about my alcohol addiction and that I am in the midst of battling that. I told him that I know this is transfer addiction, but that when I get to the point that I can truly handle not being an addict of any sort, then there are medications that can help me stop smoking. He surprised me with what he said after that. He said, "I am not going to come down on you for smoking. You are battling addiction, a serious disease, and you know the ramifications. You are also aware that you have simply transferred one for another and you also know that you CAN stop that as well. Take your addictions and battle them one at a time. When you are sober for a time, and you decide you no longer wish to smoke, then I truly believe that you will seek that help in doing so." What? I had a doctor NOT fussing because I was smoking? Isn't that in their handbook somewhere to counsel people about this? Hey...then I realized that he understood that I am truly working at this. So, we're going to work on the allergies that Texas is sharing with me in spades! 

I'm not real sure where I am going from here, but I do know that somewhere in all this obscurity, there is some kind of meaning. I don't know, maybe it's just rambling. Oh yes...my point was the desire chip. Which I addressed already. Okay. 

Oh, something funny to share. Bailee has decided that their continuous water feeder bowl in the kitchen is her personal pool. She has apparently flooded the kitchen three times today. I find it amazing that she has ONLY done this when I am not at home. I'm not sure if she knows she can get away with that behavior while I am gone or if she has just decided that she didn't want to go outside and play in their pool. Either way, it's not acceptable, had I been here she would have been punished. Apparently my husband and my daughter do not have the ability to punish the puppy, because she is "just a puppy." 

Oh, we did go to the gym again today. Wait, did I talk about this already? Okay, so I talked about my equation, but not about us going today. Ah ha! Pat, Brit and I all went today. Pat did about 20 minutes on the treadmill switching his run between 4.5 mph and 6 mph at 0 incline. Brit did 20 minutes at the cardio level 1 and then did a manual setting and ran at 6.5 mph for 10 minutes. I was SO proud of her! Then she worked on her inner and outer thighs doing 50 pounds of weight and 3 sets of 15. Then over to the upper body machine where she did just a couple push ups, but hey it was more than I can do. She ended on the glute machine pushing 50 pounds doing 3 sets of 10 on each leg. I can't tell you what all Pat did...I was concentrating on my own workout. Thighs, glutes, abs, cardio, and ending with upper body. Needless to say, we'd been there an hour and a half before we realized it. I left with my shirt soaked in sweat. 

So what better way to go to H-E-B? It's not like I was going to Wal-Mart where we needed to get dressed up....LOL. Sorry...personal joke there. We went in, soaked in sweat, with probably a little musky smell to us and picked up some salad stuff, lemon packets for my tea and I was able to find some yogurt that I can have that is lactose free and relatively low in sugar. At which point, we came home, I made hamburgers, Pat grilled them and we had a salad. I was able to shower, while my legs screamed and ached, but got dressed and made it to the 8:00 meeting! 

I love these meetings. Open, honest, and the best thing...NO JUDGEMENTS! You are welcomed with open arms regardless of where you are in your journey. New, old, somewhere in the middle...we're all in the same boat. The only thing I didn't do today was attempt to find a sponsor. I am going to put that in God's hands and let his will be done. I will get a sponsor when it's time and not a moment sooner. 

For now. I am alive. I am breathing. I am blessed.