Sponsorship

Tonight was the meeting where I finally felt comfortable with someone to ask them if they would be willing to be my sponsor. She accepted and we began our conversation. I admitted that I had done Step One, but I am struggling with Step Two and we discussed that. She reconfirmed that I am getting ahead of myself and trying to jump ahead a few steps, which cannot be done, until finish Step Two. My struggle is not that I do not believe in God, but that I struggle with the whole concept of He can return me to sanity. I have to come to terms with that and firmly believe that He can and will, before I can move on. 

I will get there. Eventually. For now, I continue to just take things as they come.

I enjoy my meetings. I enjoy the people there. I love feeling like I finally belong somewhere. I no longer feel as crazy as I once did. Which, ironically enough, was just a few weeks ago. Mentally I am slowly getting back to a clear head. I still have my crazy moments and get angry. I still slam things, but then I go to the gym and just work it out there. I can work as hard as I want to get the anger out and I am not harming anyone, which is amazing in itself. 

I am overall just feeling better tonight. I think it's all a combination of things. Keeping a daily journal. Writing a daily blog (or two). Taking my medication on schedule. Talking to my husband, to friends, to family and being honest with my daughter when she asks questions. At this point, I am looking forward to going with her to her first Alateen meeting on Monday at 8:00. Granted, I will be in the AA meeting, but she will be in the same building just in a separate room with kids her age who are going through the same thing, it will give her some perspective from kids that she can relate to. 

There is a lot of anger, anxiety and just a lot of confusion as to why mommy has the issues that she does. She doesn't understand why I have the addiction that I do. I hope this helps her. If she is not comfortable with this group of kids, then there are a couple other groups we can try. If nothing else, then I will just take her with me on open discussion nights. It's not my ideal situation, but anything I can do that can help her, then I am willing to do it. 

I'm a little tired today, but a two hour workout and then a taxing meeting will wear you down. However; my plan is to try to get back to church tomorrow. I believe I will be able to make it through with minimal withdrawal symptoms. Plus, I just feel like God is speaking directly to me through a couple different ways today, making me see that I am still His child and His love is unending and unconditional. 

Now, on to the next step. 

For tonight, I will end as we do in our meetings:
Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be they name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day, our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever and ever. Amen.

Good night all.