Stages of grief

I shared tonight at our meeting and said that I have come to realize that there is the same grieving process we go through when we lose a loved one as we do when we truly commit ourselves to becoming sober. Whether we realize it or not, alcohol became a loved one to us. It was there to comfort us, to help us through difficult situations and for whatever number of reasons we come up with. I am at the anger stage of the grieving process. 

I woke up this morning, angry. Why? Because I woke up at 9:00 and there was a Yoga class at 9:15 that I really wanted to take! That meant I couldn't go to my class...so I was angry! Righteously angry...at nobody and everybody! That meant I had to CHANGE my plans for the day and it meant I was going to have to spend two hours in the gym instead of just doing my original plan which was to just do the 30 minute express workout. I slammed things. I had an outright two year old tantrum! I spent hours being angry....over...NOTHING. 

But it was SOMETHING in my crazy, messed up head! It was something I wanted! I can't drink. I wanted that Yoga class! I couldn't have it. 

Life. Happens. 

But AFTER the gym, I finally felt better. I wasn't as angry. I was exhausted. Mentally. Physically. I didn't have any more room for anger. I had my lunch. I took a nap. A three hour nap and then I felt better. Had dinner and then left for my meeting. Where I shared that I had realized that I was in the beginning stages of healing, but to get there, I have to go through these grieving stages...because let's be honest...I'd love to go grab a bottle of whiskey and just down it...the entire bottle...and I could, but I don't WANT to. That is the difference. 

Life isn't all about happy rainbows and unicorn farts. It's about the chaos that is constantly right in your face and sometimes you can manage to deal with it and sometimes you have to toss it to the side and deal with it later. Everyone has crap they deal with. I am not special. I am not unique. I am just Dee. 

That's it. I'm just me.