Self enlightenment

If we look at the definition, as found at www.dictionary.reference.com, we see that it says this:

en·light·en·ment

 [en-lahyt-n-muhnt] Show IPA

noun

1.the act of enlightening.

2.the state of being enlightened: to live in spiritual enlightenment.

3.( usually initial capital letter ) Buddhism, Hinduism . prajna.

4.the Enlightenment, a philosophical movement of the 18th century, characterized by belief in the power of human reason and by innovations in political, religious, and educational doctrine.

 

The one that hits me the most today is number four - 'characterized by belief in the power of human reason AND by innovations in political, religous and educational doctrine.' Now I may be wrong here and I am open to hearing others interpretations of the same definition and why it strikes them. I guess my belief system, is a little skewed at times, but what it really all boils down to is that every facet of our lives, regardless of how we try to separate them, causes true enlightenment once you face it. 

 

Now, I am NOT a religious "nut" that is so generalized that it drives me insane. I am also not a political person by nature. I couldn't care less to be quite honest about it. Leave me alone and I'll leave you alone. Simple. Education varies so greatly from state to state, city to city, school district to school district. I do have an opinion on education and it is that I believe the no child left behind act is the biggest bunch of bull I have ever seen happen to our schools and two, I believe there should be STANDARDIZED teaching ACROSS.THE.BOARD. If you transfer from one school to another in mid year of 6th grade, we'll use the example because you are a military family, then I believe that regardless of WHERE you move to, that child should be able to pick up EXACTLY where they left off at from the other school. Again, that is just my opinion. 

 

However; the last couple of days since my brain doesn't seem to race and my body seems to be able to have some controllable movements, I have had a chance to take a peek inside and have some self enlightenment of my own. I'll be honest, it's scary as heck what I find inside me. People really should be afraid. I'm not entirely sure if I am kidding there or not. I do find that looking in and evaluating a few things is not bad. I have to work a few more steps before I have to take my moral inventory, so I know I am getting ahead of myself, but that's just me. I look at step one, skip to the end, read the last step and then try to get all the pieces and parts to look like it does in the picture. Oh sure, sometimes I get an extra screw or a piece of wood...but all in all...it mostly looks like it should. That's how I feel right about now. 

 

Like there are a lot of pieces of me lying around in different areas. A screw here, a nut there, a bolt over there, some wire and aluminum in some other state. I feel scattered and I guess that's the best visual description I can give to you right now. I would love to have some wonderful self enlightenment to share, but the truth is that all I have discovered is that inside myself, it is a dark, scary, very lonely world. 

 

Someone said it best last night at our meeting. "Humans are social creatures by nature. Alcoholics always feel out of place, no matter where we go or who we hang out with, with our buddies at the bar or wherever. We are constantly seeking someplace to just feel like this is where we belong. Where we are welcome. A.A. IS where I finally feel like I found my place in the world." I agreed with him then an I still agree with him. I make no excuses for what I have done to myself and to my family and friends. I can only apologize and wake up each day thanking God for allowing me to wake up again. And at the end of the day, I thank Him for allowing me to make it today without a drink. I give it to Him and I am going to trust. 

 

Because that is all I can do right now. Trust.