La la la...

This is how I feel tonight. It's not a bad feeling and not a great feeling, but it is nice to just feel a little more like myself. I am not craving the alcohol. I am not shaking nearly as bad. The withdrawal process is coming to an end, slowly but oh so surely. I have already done Step One, from the book Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. 
Step One - "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable."
Who cares to admit complete defeat? Admission of powerlessness is the first step in liberation. Relation of humility to sobriety. Mental obsession plus physical allergy. Why must every A.A. hit bottom?

I have not gotten a sponsor yet, so right now, this is as far as I have gotten in my Twelve Steps. Simply admitting to the fact that I had become powerless over anything was difficult. I am not a weak person. I am not an extremely dependent person. I put my mind to do something and neither hell nor high water shall keep me from at least attempting to gain whatever it is that I decide I want. It never dawned on me that my wanting a drink was more than just me wanting a drink. I was stressed, depressed, angry...whatever. It took a seemingly harmless conversation with my husband one morning, where he said something and I honestly looked at him like he had sprouted an alien head from his shoulders. My question was quite simple and his answer was, "wow, well that makes me feel rotten." Meaningless, seemingly simple conversation...and I had ZERO recall of any of it. It was the next day that I became blatantly honest with my doctor and we started the ball rolling. 


I now go to nightly A.A. meetings, not because I am court ordered, not because I have a probation or parole officer, or a judge "suggesting" that I attend these meetings. I attend the meetings because I need to know that I am not alone in my journey. I was in my fifth meeting when I first shared and started off just like everyone else with the typical, "My name is Dee and I am an alcoholic." It was then that I first heard myself say that I had not had a drink in however many days at that point, but I was just then admitting that I was completely, utterly powerless over alcohol, and my life had become truly unmanageable...because of my OWN doing. 


Next up, 
Step Two - "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
What can we believe in? A.A. does not demand belief; Twelve Steps are only suggestions. Importance of an open mind. Variety of ways to faith. Substitution of A.A. as Higher Power. Plight of the disillusioned. Roadblocks of indifference and prejudice. Lost faith found in A.A. Problems of intellectuality and self-sufficiency. Negative and positive thinking. Self-righteousness. Defiance is an outstanding characteristic of alcoholics. Step Two is a rallying point to sanity. Right relation to God.

This is the step I am currently working on. I recognize God as my higher power, but I struggle with the fact that I have to release the control of my own will and give it to Him. I am human. I err. I get confused and I like having control. While I believe in my God...I am not at the point that I can truly believe that He can honestly and rightly return me to sanity. While I believe He is carrying me fully and completely right now in my journey...I feel like I am failing by not fully trusting Him to return me to my sanity. 


Once again, I will get there. I really wish I had a sponsor to talk to about these feelings. Maybe that should be my next step. I need to find a sponsor. That will be on my to-do list tomorrow. Start making phone calls and see where God is going to lead me. My prayers have been almost non-existent and that is my own fault. I've been driven to my knees and I failed to remember that I have been in the perfect position to pray. Now, to remember who is my Redeemer, my Deliverer and who is not going to leave me and will always, ALWAYS welcome me back with open arms and I know that His love is completely without strings and unconditional. 


So, tonight. I want to just thank God, for all the small things He does for me everyday that I have become completely blind to in my self-centeredness.