I'm trying hard today to stay sober. I tried hard last night to stay sober and succeeded, but I literally laid back in my recliner and sobbed. I told Pat that he had NO idea just how bad my knee was hurting, I broke down and took the very last pain pill I had been hoarding because I didn't know when the pain was going to get unbearable. Well, that was last night. However; as I left my meeting, I told Pat that he had no comprehensible understanding of how bad I fought myself from taking a route I sometimes take home, simply so I could go in and buy a 6 pack of small bottles of wine, sit in the car and drink them, then drive home....just so my knee would numb up. I was literally right there. Instead, I turned onto A.W. Grimes and come home instead of staying on Old Settlers and coming up Sunrise which would have put me right at Wag A Bag...where I could have purchased my wine and got my drink on...alone.
Instead, I came home and took the last pain pill, then proceeded to cry for about an hour. Today is no better pain wise. I don't know how to explain it except that it isn't a superficial pain, it's deep within my knee...and now because I have been compensating by placing more weight on my left leg, now my left knee is starting to hurt. I swear I seriously contemplated just having my right leg amputated from the knee down and just get a prosthetic. Now, I know that won't happen. So don't think I would really talk to my doctor about that.
I just have to wait for my appointment this Friday so I can talk to my doc and tell him that I really do understand why he took me off the pain meds,however; I am NOT lying when I tell you that it HURTS. When it hurts enough to put me in tears, there is something wrong. The Lidoderm/Lidocaine patches work for the superficial pain, help to numb it a little, but it's the pain deep down that is killing me. I have referrals from my sister in law that I am going to give to my doctor and tell him I don't care which one he submits for, but it WILL be one of the places she told me about, I'd like to discuss some type of pain pill to help with arthritis because I know that is what is causing the pain, but if he won't do that, then I want a referral to a pain management clinic. Just because I am an alcoholic does not automatically make me a drug addict. I may fight addiction, but it's ALCOHOL...not pills or any kind of illegal mind altering drug. I just want the pain to stop.
I want to feel better. I want to read more in my AA book. I want to go to the gym today. I want to go do yoga tonight.
Instead, I get to lie down, elevate my knee, ice it down and take a nap, or at least try. I may wind up crying instead.
Lord give me strength and wisdom today to just make it to the end of the day as pain free as possible....and help me stay sober.
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