In search of...a post continued from the 23rd

I have no clue as to what I am in search of. I didn't have a single clever idea as to how to title this post. So instead I will just type all the things that come to mind and maybe something will come to me by the end of this. 

I am pretty sure that some will get tired of reading about my journey right now with detox and recovery from alcohol. Lord himself knows that I am pretty tired of battling it myself. However; this is my single outlet where I can type whatever I am thinking and if I feel like publishing and sharing it, I can...and if not...well then it doesn't matter what anyone thinks about this because you obviously won't be reading it. 

Ohhhh...that's a nice change of font for me. Sorry. I'm like a child who has ADHD....or a new puppy. *Squirrel*!!!

Today was interesting in the sense that our lovely water department made a boo-boo and when Fed-Ex showed up at our door with a package, we found a lovely notice hanging on our door stating that they had shut our water off for non-payment. Wow. That's interesting. Because I have a confirmation number that says I did pay it. Now, the most frustrating part?? Even though I have the confirmation number that says we paid it, I STILL had to pay the full balance that they showed was past due PLUS a reconnect fee and AFTER they complete their research on the confirmation number will we receive a credit for what was paid...but I am still out that additional charge. So, what is the lesson learned from this? I am going to physically walk in to the office, pay it in person and get a receipt from the clerk that shows DEFINITIVELY that it was paid. Screw me over once, shame on you. Screw me over twice, shame on me. 

So, groceries will have to wait for another 7-8 days. We have food that I can stretch to last, it will just deplete the stock pile is all. I'll pick up the basics like milk or bread, but the major shopping will have to wait until next payday. Okay, I am going to pause here because it's time for me to leave and head to the 8 o'clock AA meeting. *Reminder* Alateen for Britney.

Tonight's meeting was a discussion of the 12 Steps. It was interesting. Well, every meeting is interesting. However; I found myself tonight actually connecting familiar faces with names. Maybe over time I'll remember them all, but for now the one or two I remember is okay by me. I purchased The Big Book as well as Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. I hear all these people talk about what is in the big book and I know they aren't talking about the Bible because that is the good book. However; what I have found is that for alcoholics, The Big Book, in a sense IS a bible...it's the alcoholics go to reading material second only to each individuals interpretation of their higher power...because without a belief in a higher power that can restore you, you are essentially doomed to fail. We cannot depend nor can we make a human a higher power...my higher power is God...or my interpretation of God. So, I now have two separate and different "bibles"...one that is The Good Book, that God plants different verses in my head from or makes me see what is plainly in front of me...the other one, the big book, I have yet to open the cover on. It's still early in the day for me...I will open it and read some today.

I may even face a couple of my other fears and pick up the Bible study where I left off at...because it was forcing me to face my human fears and inadequacies...which I ran screaming from. I was not ready for that. I couldn't handle the psychoanalyzation of myself under the microscope of God...or what I thought was the microscope. It was too real. Too much. Too fast. I ran...and drowned myself in whatever way I could. That didn't make me a "bad" person, or a hypocrite, it simply said that I am human...and as humans we err...greatly. My ultimate goal is to become more Christ-"like"...to be accepting of those who do not know Him as their personal savior and to share His love with them, regardless of our differences, disparities or whatever else. I lost sight and ran back to the world where I thought that acceptance would be waiting for me. 

What I have found instead is pain, hurt, anger, self loathing and a depth of overwhelming sadness, depression and grief that I have not known in a very long time. I have also learned that my church family, admit they have problems of their own and they reach out where they are accepted and loved and helped, and they have reached out to me with nothing but love and acceptance. I am just mentally still in a place where I feel such overwhelming shame that I cannot take that first step back into my church. I will though. I know I will. I just need to heal a little bit more before heading back. 

For the rest of today...I am going to focus on my mental acuity and wellness. 

I love you all. Each of you and I thank you.