I'm trying hard today to stay sober. I tried hard last night to stay sober and succeeded, but I literally laid back in my recliner and sobbed. I told Pat that he had NO idea just how bad my knee was hurting, I broke down and took the very last pain pill I had been hoarding because I didn't know when the pain was going to get unbearable. Well, that was last night. However; as I left my meeting, I told Pat that he had no comprehensible understanding of how bad I fought myself from taking a route I sometimes take home, simply so I could go in and buy a 6 pack of small bottles of wine, sit in the car and drink them, then drive home....just so my knee would numb up. I was literally right there. Instead, I turned onto A.W. Grimes and come home instead of staying on Old Settlers and coming up Sunrise which would have put me right at Wag A Bag...where I could have purchased my wine and got my drink on...alone.
Instead, I came home and took the last pain pill, then proceeded to cry for about an hour. Today is no better pain wise. I don't know how to explain it except that it isn't a superficial pain, it's deep within my knee...and now because I have been compensating by placing more weight on my left leg, now my left knee is starting to hurt. I swear I seriously contemplated just having my right leg amputated from the knee down and just get a prosthetic. Now, I know that won't happen. So don't think I would really talk to my doctor about that.
I just have to wait for my appointment this Friday so I can talk to my doc and tell him that I really do understand why he took me off the pain meds,however; I am NOT lying when I tell you that it HURTS. When it hurts enough to put me in tears, there is something wrong. The Lidoderm/Lidocaine patches work for the superficial pain, help to numb it a little, but it's the pain deep down that is killing me. I have referrals from my sister in law that I am going to give to my doctor and tell him I don't care which one he submits for, but it WILL be one of the places she told me about, I'd like to discuss some type of pain pill to help with arthritis because I know that is what is causing the pain, but if he won't do that, then I want a referral to a pain management clinic. Just because I am an alcoholic does not automatically make me a drug addict. I may fight addiction, but it's ALCOHOL...not pills or any kind of illegal mind altering drug. I just want the pain to stop.
I want to feel better. I want to read more in my AA book. I want to go to the gym today. I want to go do yoga tonight.
Instead, I get to lie down, elevate my knee, ice it down and take a nap, or at least try. I may wind up crying instead.
Lord give me strength and wisdom today to just make it to the end of the day as pain free as possible....and help me stay sober.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Stuck between a rock and a hard place
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things that I can and the Wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done.
I say this prayer multiple times a day. I have days where I have to say this prayer once a minute or just say it over and over. There are so many things that I cannot change and I don't want to. I don't want to change someone's opinion on something that they feel very passionate about. However; that doesn't mean that I won't listen to what they have to say. Now, we may have a healthy debate back and forth, but that does not mean that I am trying to get that person to CHANGE their mind. I simply want them to try to obtain a different viewpoint outside of their own. Here is where the Wisdom part is coming in today. I should know the difference...I DO know the difference, yet here I am banging out on the keyboard, having an online debate with an old friend of mine about a Wet/Dry vote that is being held in two days in my hometown.
For as long as I can remember, my hometown has been a dry county. A few years ago, one of the municipalities decided to have their own vote since they sit on the lake and draw in a large majority or tourists, on whether to stay dry, go wet or go moist. For those of you who do not know what moist is, it means that alcohol can only be served in restaurants and there are no straight out bars. You cannot purchase alcohol from a local store, but you can go into the restaurant, sit down, have some food and enjoy some drinks...or you can just go straight to the bar and just start knocking back your drinks. Order an appetizer at least once and you can drink at the bar for as long as you want or until the bartender decides to cut you off.
Now, 35 years after I was born, there is a Progress Somerset propaganda that has sprung up. Now, my hometown is considered part of the "Bible Belt", so now you have the churches and other groups using their own propaganda. I admire Progress Somerset because their platform is about bringing in new restaurants, new stores, more jobs, more revenue, expand the police force, etc. While the churches and other groups are using CHILDREN in their propaganda! Really?! "Think about the children" "What about the children?" Maybe this is why I had such an issue with the churches in my hometown. They are out for their own interests and will use and ABUSE anything they deem necessary to try to get their way, because they can't come up with a decent platform to make a stand on, EXCEPT BY USING CHILDREN as the SOLE reason for staying dry.
I have a friend who has decided to vote NO, because he feels it would be on his conscious if someone went out, got drunk, hit a family and killed them. Now, I cannot change his mind on his decision to vote and I never would try. However; the thought process he has is a little screwed up. We as individuals are ONLY responsible for the actions that we CHOOSE to make. Smart, stupid, screwed up, crazy and flat out insane ideas...we are the ones who make that decision, no one forces our hands. As an alcoholic, I KNOW that it isn't going to be that 12th drink that gets me drunk, it's going to be the FIRST one. However; I only know that because I participate actively in A.A. I attend meetings nightly and I am in the process of working my steps. Now, again...here is where that lovely Serenity prayer comes in, because I know that I cannot change the outcome of whatever is going to happen and I have the Wisdom to know that, but then I wonder if I was still home...where would I be in my journey?
Would I still be a raging alcoholic? Drinking until I passed out, yet stayed WIDE AWAKE, because I was a "functional alcoholic"? Would I still be driving while in that functional alcoholic state? Would I be working on my sobriety? Would I be looking for a party? Would I be seeking for something else? I don't have the answers to any of these questions because I DON'T KNOW. As an alcoholic, I have to GET OUT OF MY HEAD AND STOP THINKING. Thinking is a bad thing for an alcoholic, because once we start thinking, we start rationalizing, once that starts then it's all down hill from there.
All I can say is that I pray for the upcoming vote and that whatever God's will is, shall prevail...whether it be wet or dry. I pray that people will remain responsible with their drinking, but we all know that there are things that happen every day that cannot be prevented. And how I see it is this, IF it is YOUR time to go...you are going to go....whether hit by a drunk driver, a sober driver, a hit and run or if you just pass away in your sleep. I pray for my friends. I pray for my family. I pray for my self in the simple form of "Thy will, not mine, be done Lord."
As of today, I have not had a drink, yet. As of today, I have not maimed, killed or injured anyone intentionally or by accident, yet. So far, today is a good day and that is ALL I can do. Take it ONE day at a time. If I need reminding, I need only look at my keychain where both my desire and my one month chip are, plus I can look at my family....because I know that they need me here, MORE than I need that drink.
Thanks for reading you all. Today was a little scattered, but I'm just angry over people using children to try to achieve their goals. *Deep Breath*
Serenity Prayer....
I say this prayer multiple times a day. I have days where I have to say this prayer once a minute or just say it over and over. There are so many things that I cannot change and I don't want to. I don't want to change someone's opinion on something that they feel very passionate about. However; that doesn't mean that I won't listen to what they have to say. Now, we may have a healthy debate back and forth, but that does not mean that I am trying to get that person to CHANGE their mind. I simply want them to try to obtain a different viewpoint outside of their own. Here is where the Wisdom part is coming in today. I should know the difference...I DO know the difference, yet here I am banging out on the keyboard, having an online debate with an old friend of mine about a Wet/Dry vote that is being held in two days in my hometown.
For as long as I can remember, my hometown has been a dry county. A few years ago, one of the municipalities decided to have their own vote since they sit on the lake and draw in a large majority or tourists, on whether to stay dry, go wet or go moist. For those of you who do not know what moist is, it means that alcohol can only be served in restaurants and there are no straight out bars. You cannot purchase alcohol from a local store, but you can go into the restaurant, sit down, have some food and enjoy some drinks...or you can just go straight to the bar and just start knocking back your drinks. Order an appetizer at least once and you can drink at the bar for as long as you want or until the bartender decides to cut you off.
Now, 35 years after I was born, there is a Progress Somerset propaganda that has sprung up. Now, my hometown is considered part of the "Bible Belt", so now you have the churches and other groups using their own propaganda. I admire Progress Somerset because their platform is about bringing in new restaurants, new stores, more jobs, more revenue, expand the police force, etc. While the churches and other groups are using CHILDREN in their propaganda! Really?! "Think about the children" "What about the children?" Maybe this is why I had such an issue with the churches in my hometown. They are out for their own interests and will use and ABUSE anything they deem necessary to try to get their way, because they can't come up with a decent platform to make a stand on, EXCEPT BY USING CHILDREN as the SOLE reason for staying dry.
I have a friend who has decided to vote NO, because he feels it would be on his conscious if someone went out, got drunk, hit a family and killed them. Now, I cannot change his mind on his decision to vote and I never would try. However; the thought process he has is a little screwed up. We as individuals are ONLY responsible for the actions that we CHOOSE to make. Smart, stupid, screwed up, crazy and flat out insane ideas...we are the ones who make that decision, no one forces our hands. As an alcoholic, I KNOW that it isn't going to be that 12th drink that gets me drunk, it's going to be the FIRST one. However; I only know that because I participate actively in A.A. I attend meetings nightly and I am in the process of working my steps. Now, again...here is where that lovely Serenity prayer comes in, because I know that I cannot change the outcome of whatever is going to happen and I have the Wisdom to know that, but then I wonder if I was still home...where would I be in my journey?
Would I still be a raging alcoholic? Drinking until I passed out, yet stayed WIDE AWAKE, because I was a "functional alcoholic"? Would I still be driving while in that functional alcoholic state? Would I be working on my sobriety? Would I be looking for a party? Would I be seeking for something else? I don't have the answers to any of these questions because I DON'T KNOW. As an alcoholic, I have to GET OUT OF MY HEAD AND STOP THINKING. Thinking is a bad thing for an alcoholic, because once we start thinking, we start rationalizing, once that starts then it's all down hill from there.
All I can say is that I pray for the upcoming vote and that whatever God's will is, shall prevail...whether it be wet or dry. I pray that people will remain responsible with their drinking, but we all know that there are things that happen every day that cannot be prevented. And how I see it is this, IF it is YOUR time to go...you are going to go....whether hit by a drunk driver, a sober driver, a hit and run or if you just pass away in your sleep. I pray for my friends. I pray for my family. I pray for my self in the simple form of "Thy will, not mine, be done Lord."
As of today, I have not had a drink, yet. As of today, I have not maimed, killed or injured anyone intentionally or by accident, yet. So far, today is a good day and that is ALL I can do. Take it ONE day at a time. If I need reminding, I need only look at my keychain where both my desire and my one month chip are, plus I can look at my family....because I know that they need me here, MORE than I need that drink.
Thanks for reading you all. Today was a little scattered, but I'm just angry over people using children to try to achieve their goals. *Deep Breath*
Serenity Prayer....
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Just a little longer...
I've done the grocery shopping today and had a good time doing so. Britney went with me and was some help, but my knees were killing me. I tried it without my knee brace, okay...so maybe not the smartest idea, but I made it. However; I didn't plan my strategy very well though. I needed to go to the bread store and it's on the opposite side of town from where the grocery store was that we went to. I couldn't go to the bread store after getting groceries because it was already over 100 degrees outside and I couldn't leave the frozen food in the car. My strategic awareness was amiss today.
Now I'm home, the groceries are put away, lunch has been eaten and while my knees are still killing me, it's nice to just sit back and elevate my legs. Maybe I'll ask Pat to drive me to the bread store. Plus, I need to get more smokes, but I'll do that before I go to my meeting tonight. Right now I am just grateful that I have a loving God who provides for us when we need it. Our pantry was okay, but our freezer and fridge almost had moths flying out of them because we were so low on food. However; our needs are always met, never our wants, but always our NEEDS. I got excited because of the gas rewards I earned at the grocery store, so I paid $2.95 a gallon for gas, the car was almost on empty and it cost less than $45 to fill our baby up! We have gas for another week! Yeah! I have enough money to contribute to my group nightly. I am meeting some wonderful people and my sponsor has decided that it is now time for me to start being part of the service community. She found and is going to exploit my weak spot. Oh well, I do the best I can and that is all I can ask of myself and from anyone else.
Now, I have a little more to do today. So for now, I think I am going to see if I can talk my hubby into driving me some places and give my knee a break. I hope you all have a blessed day. Remember those who are less fortunate than you, never judge anyone lest ye be judged in return, and always, always be kind to others for you NEVER know what kind of battles they are waging in their own lives. Even just a simple smile to a random stranger can change their entire day and while you may never know it, they do and THAT is what matters. Be the kind of person you want others to be and live your life as an example of that. God bless you all.
Now I'm home, the groceries are put away, lunch has been eaten and while my knees are still killing me, it's nice to just sit back and elevate my legs. Maybe I'll ask Pat to drive me to the bread store. Plus, I need to get more smokes, but I'll do that before I go to my meeting tonight. Right now I am just grateful that I have a loving God who provides for us when we need it. Our pantry was okay, but our freezer and fridge almost had moths flying out of them because we were so low on food. However; our needs are always met, never our wants, but always our NEEDS. I got excited because of the gas rewards I earned at the grocery store, so I paid $2.95 a gallon for gas, the car was almost on empty and it cost less than $45 to fill our baby up! We have gas for another week! Yeah! I have enough money to contribute to my group nightly. I am meeting some wonderful people and my sponsor has decided that it is now time for me to start being part of the service community. She found and is going to exploit my weak spot. Oh well, I do the best I can and that is all I can ask of myself and from anyone else.
Now, I have a little more to do today. So for now, I think I am going to see if I can talk my hubby into driving me some places and give my knee a break. I hope you all have a blessed day. Remember those who are less fortunate than you, never judge anyone lest ye be judged in return, and always, always be kind to others for you NEVER know what kind of battles they are waging in their own lives. Even just a simple smile to a random stranger can change their entire day and while you may never know it, they do and THAT is what matters. Be the kind of person you want others to be and live your life as an example of that. God bless you all.
Friday, June 22, 2012
I don't even know where to start
It's been a little bit since I blogged, but I have at least blogged this month, so this is a good thing. There have been a lot of things happening in a very short amount of time, the least of which has been my sobriety. We have our official orders in hand and there are a LOT of things that need to be done to prepare for that. There are so many power of attorney paperwork that you need to have signed and prepared for both him and I, as well as anyone we authorize stateside to do something on our behalf. I won't even get into the details as to passports, health immunizations, medical clearances, etc. It's exhausting, to say the very least.
However; right now I am still attending nightly meetings. I am recognizing more and more faces, now to try to put names with faces. So in order to help me with that, my sponsor decided that she had a job for me to do and that job is to be the greeter and greet every single person that walks in that door as well as just clean up the ashtrays when the meeting is over. I think my sponsor has figured out my kryptonite. I am not so much a people person. I am not personally inclined to walk up to someone and welcome them, however; I know that this process is also about stepping outside of our "comfort zone" and doing things we don't necessarily want to do. Like Step 4....I don't want to do that step. So I am kind of intentionally dragging my feet on that one. I do have names on my list and some days I put more than one name on there, but then some of those names bring up so much rage, hate, resentment and anger that I have to stop and just walk away.
I got to attend my first speaker meeting last night and it was amazing. This man had me laughing so hard at times, but it was serious stuff he was talking about. However; there is one thing he said that stuck with me and I hope it sticks with me for the rest of my life. Alcoholics Anonymous is not about sitting around and talking about all the stupid stuff you did when you were drinking, it's about talking about the things you are doing now that keep you SOBER. As of last night, this man had 17, 089 days of sobriety...and God willing, he will have 17, 090 of sobriety today. This man has been sober longer than I have been ALIVE. Although he had us laughing, he also hit on some points that had some of us shaking our heads in agreement. We've been there. He said something else and I'm going to paraphrase because I can't remember it exactly, but essentially, he said AA is not here to be your higher power, AA is here to HELP OTHERS in their times of crisis with alcohol. We make no judgements, because we can't...we've BEEN that person.
All in all, things are going as well as can be expected. I still have my moments where I tend to go a little crazy, but I just blame that on the German/Irish in me. I also learned something recently and while some may be upset by me saying this, it's not something I say to shame the family. It actually HELPED me to understand why I am having to battle this disease. I learned that my grandpa (my dad's dad) was an alcoholic. He would work through the week and then come Friday, he'd start drinking, drink through the weekend and my heart broke for my dad when he said that the kids would get excited when he drank...because it meant they were going to have food in the house. And it hit me hard. HARD. Sometimes addictions can skip generations, but myself and my brother have battled them and we still battle our demons. I can't say we're lucky, I can just say that God has some kind of plan for us, because if not...him and I both should have been dead a LONG time ago.
I think of the damage that I have caused my family and it hurts me. I would budget for my booze. Put off paying the water bill....I need my liquor. Write a check for groceries, if it hits the bank before we get paid, we've got savings to cover it...I need my booze. Saturday came around and I made damn sure that I was at the liquor store buying enough to get me through Sunday...cause in the worst case scenario, you can only buy wine or beer after noon on Sundays...the liquor stores do not operate on those days. I was not a wine or a beer drinker. If I drank wine, I opened a bottle for me and a separate one for everyone else...and I would drink that entire bottle...then open another. Lord help you if you got in my way of going to the liquor store too...I'd tear your head off and not think twice. As I think back now, it never dawned on me that I had a "frequent buyer" card to one of our liquor stores here, because I was there THAT much. I knew cashiers by names and their families! Yet I couldn't tell you shit about what was going on in my own family.
Now, apparently there was some news show on Nightline this week that had evidence of a study showing that people who have had gastric bypass surgery have a higher tendency of becoming alcoholics somewhere around 3 years + after surgery. Well, looks like I fell in that category. I have gained weight back and probably BECAUSE of my alcohol abuse. Now I have to work twice as hard to get it back off, but I will, becuase my will to live is stronger than my urge to drink.
That's it people. That's all I've got right now.
However; right now I am still attending nightly meetings. I am recognizing more and more faces, now to try to put names with faces. So in order to help me with that, my sponsor decided that she had a job for me to do and that job is to be the greeter and greet every single person that walks in that door as well as just clean up the ashtrays when the meeting is over. I think my sponsor has figured out my kryptonite. I am not so much a people person. I am not personally inclined to walk up to someone and welcome them, however; I know that this process is also about stepping outside of our "comfort zone" and doing things we don't necessarily want to do. Like Step 4....I don't want to do that step. So I am kind of intentionally dragging my feet on that one. I do have names on my list and some days I put more than one name on there, but then some of those names bring up so much rage, hate, resentment and anger that I have to stop and just walk away.
I got to attend my first speaker meeting last night and it was amazing. This man had me laughing so hard at times, but it was serious stuff he was talking about. However; there is one thing he said that stuck with me and I hope it sticks with me for the rest of my life. Alcoholics Anonymous is not about sitting around and talking about all the stupid stuff you did when you were drinking, it's about talking about the things you are doing now that keep you SOBER. As of last night, this man had 17, 089 days of sobriety...and God willing, he will have 17, 090 of sobriety today. This man has been sober longer than I have been ALIVE. Although he had us laughing, he also hit on some points that had some of us shaking our heads in agreement. We've been there. He said something else and I'm going to paraphrase because I can't remember it exactly, but essentially, he said AA is not here to be your higher power, AA is here to HELP OTHERS in their times of crisis with alcohol. We make no judgements, because we can't...we've BEEN that person.
All in all, things are going as well as can be expected. I still have my moments where I tend to go a little crazy, but I just blame that on the German/Irish in me. I also learned something recently and while some may be upset by me saying this, it's not something I say to shame the family. It actually HELPED me to understand why I am having to battle this disease. I learned that my grandpa (my dad's dad) was an alcoholic. He would work through the week and then come Friday, he'd start drinking, drink through the weekend and my heart broke for my dad when he said that the kids would get excited when he drank...because it meant they were going to have food in the house. And it hit me hard. HARD. Sometimes addictions can skip generations, but myself and my brother have battled them and we still battle our demons. I can't say we're lucky, I can just say that God has some kind of plan for us, because if not...him and I both should have been dead a LONG time ago.
I think of the damage that I have caused my family and it hurts me. I would budget for my booze. Put off paying the water bill....I need my liquor. Write a check for groceries, if it hits the bank before we get paid, we've got savings to cover it...I need my booze. Saturday came around and I made damn sure that I was at the liquor store buying enough to get me through Sunday...cause in the worst case scenario, you can only buy wine or beer after noon on Sundays...the liquor stores do not operate on those days. I was not a wine or a beer drinker. If I drank wine, I opened a bottle for me and a separate one for everyone else...and I would drink that entire bottle...then open another. Lord help you if you got in my way of going to the liquor store too...I'd tear your head off and not think twice. As I think back now, it never dawned on me that I had a "frequent buyer" card to one of our liquor stores here, because I was there THAT much. I knew cashiers by names and their families! Yet I couldn't tell you shit about what was going on in my own family.
Now, apparently there was some news show on Nightline this week that had evidence of a study showing that people who have had gastric bypass surgery have a higher tendency of becoming alcoholics somewhere around 3 years + after surgery. Well, looks like I fell in that category. I have gained weight back and probably BECAUSE of my alcohol abuse. Now I have to work twice as hard to get it back off, but I will, becuase my will to live is stronger than my urge to drink.
That's it people. That's all I've got right now.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Stages of grief
I shared tonight at our meeting and said that I have come to realize that there is the same grieving process we go through when we lose a loved one as we do when we truly commit ourselves to becoming sober. Whether we realize it or not, alcohol became a loved one to us. It was there to comfort us, to help us through difficult situations and for whatever number of reasons we come up with. I am at the anger stage of the grieving process.
I woke up this morning, angry. Why? Because I woke up at 9:00 and there was a Yoga class at 9:15 that I really wanted to take! That meant I couldn't go to my class...so I was angry! Righteously angry...at nobody and everybody! That meant I had to CHANGE my plans for the day and it meant I was going to have to spend two hours in the gym instead of just doing my original plan which was to just do the 30 minute express workout. I slammed things. I had an outright two year old tantrum! I spent hours being angry....over...NOTHING.
But it was SOMETHING in my crazy, messed up head! It was something I wanted! I can't drink. I wanted that Yoga class! I couldn't have it.
Life. Happens.
But AFTER the gym, I finally felt better. I wasn't as angry. I was exhausted. Mentally. Physically. I didn't have any more room for anger. I had my lunch. I took a nap. A three hour nap and then I felt better. Had dinner and then left for my meeting. Where I shared that I had realized that I was in the beginning stages of healing, but to get there, I have to go through these grieving stages...because let's be honest...I'd love to go grab a bottle of whiskey and just down it...the entire bottle...and I could, but I don't WANT to. That is the difference.
Life isn't all about happy rainbows and unicorn farts. It's about the chaos that is constantly right in your face and sometimes you can manage to deal with it and sometimes you have to toss it to the side and deal with it later. Everyone has crap they deal with. I am not special. I am not unique. I am just Dee.
That's it. I'm just me.
I woke up this morning, angry. Why? Because I woke up at 9:00 and there was a Yoga class at 9:15 that I really wanted to take! That meant I couldn't go to my class...so I was angry! Righteously angry...at nobody and everybody! That meant I had to CHANGE my plans for the day and it meant I was going to have to spend two hours in the gym instead of just doing my original plan which was to just do the 30 minute express workout. I slammed things. I had an outright two year old tantrum! I spent hours being angry....over...NOTHING.
But it was SOMETHING in my crazy, messed up head! It was something I wanted! I can't drink. I wanted that Yoga class! I couldn't have it.
Life. Happens.
But AFTER the gym, I finally felt better. I wasn't as angry. I was exhausted. Mentally. Physically. I didn't have any more room for anger. I had my lunch. I took a nap. A three hour nap and then I felt better. Had dinner and then left for my meeting. Where I shared that I had realized that I was in the beginning stages of healing, but to get there, I have to go through these grieving stages...because let's be honest...I'd love to go grab a bottle of whiskey and just down it...the entire bottle...and I could, but I don't WANT to. That is the difference.
Life isn't all about happy rainbows and unicorn farts. It's about the chaos that is constantly right in your face and sometimes you can manage to deal with it and sometimes you have to toss it to the side and deal with it later. Everyone has crap they deal with. I am not special. I am not unique. I am just Dee.
That's it. I'm just me.
I'm a little bummed today
I originally woke up at 6:30 this morning and Pat told me to go back to sleep, so I did. When I woke up at was five minutes before my Yoga class was starting so there went that plan today. I love Angela's classes and I am nowhere near ready for advanced classes so this leaves me with the only option of going to the gym again today. I mean it's fine and all but I was looking forward to relaxing this morning.
Right now I am just waiting for my food to digest so I can leave and get the gym over with. Treat myself to a protein smoothie when I get home. After I shower of course...LOL
Okay so right now I am going to stop watching Snorks and leave. End my punishment early and then take my nap.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Three weeks and still going
Twenty two days...today. Twenty two days SOBER! It sure has heck has not been a cake walk, that is for sure. My dreams are getting even more strange than normal. I dreamed that I was having hallucinations the other night...dude, when you DREAM you are having hallucinations...that's some seriously messed up stuff. However; the further out I get, it still doesn't get "easier", it just gets a tiny bit more manageable is all.
At this point, I am attributing the major support I am getting from nightly AA meetings, my husband, my Yoga instructors and the gym workouts as a big part of my sobriety. If I stay too busy to think about taking a drink...well then, just stay busy...or sleep. I've slept a LOT the last couple of days. I sleep all night long and then wind up taking about a 5 hour nap in the middle of the day. I still sweat, I still shake, I still stutter from time to time, but seriously...I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not quite sure if it's a train coming through and about to smack me down, but I know that whatever is there...I will meet it head on.
Oh, I finally accepted that God can truly restore me to sanity. Do you know what this means? It means I have completed Step Two! Next up is Step Three, but I am going to talk to my sponsor about this one. I have the book next to me and I could probably grab it and tell you what that step is, but to be honest, I just want to enjoy completing the second step!
Pat cooked dinner again this evening. Not because I asked him too, but because I was sound asleep on the couch and he didn't want to wake me. He also apparently took Britney out for some small driving lessons. He's a good man and I'm glad he's the one doing it and not me, because right now...it's too much for me to process. Plus, I'd be looking for a brake pedal on my side of the car...lol. Then tonight, after dinner, Brit decided that she was going to bake some cupcakes. Like any person doing something for the first time, she had some hiccups, but all in all, they turned out okay. You know...once you can actually pry the paper off the cupcakes and you don't break a tooth on the first bite. But you know what? She did it ON HER OWN and it makes me proud! If she got confused about something, she asked for help, which makes me even more proud.
I'm trying more and more to focus on the good things going on in my life. I won't apologize for spending a lot of time talking about my sobriety efforts or the effects it is/has on my body. If you don't want to read about it, then you don't have to. All I know is that right now, this very moment...I am 8 days from hitting 30 days! That is a major accomplishment for me. I am not a quitter, and I don't consider being sober as "quitting"...I see it as a life change. I am a survivor and will forever recover from this disease.
I hope you all can take some moral inventory, as hard as it may be, and tackle some of the things that you don't like about yourself. Honesty is the hardest pill to swallow. Especially when it comes from your own mind.
At this point, I am attributing the major support I am getting from nightly AA meetings, my husband, my Yoga instructors and the gym workouts as a big part of my sobriety. If I stay too busy to think about taking a drink...well then, just stay busy...or sleep. I've slept a LOT the last couple of days. I sleep all night long and then wind up taking about a 5 hour nap in the middle of the day. I still sweat, I still shake, I still stutter from time to time, but seriously...I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not quite sure if it's a train coming through and about to smack me down, but I know that whatever is there...I will meet it head on.
Oh, I finally accepted that God can truly restore me to sanity. Do you know what this means? It means I have completed Step Two! Next up is Step Three, but I am going to talk to my sponsor about this one. I have the book next to me and I could probably grab it and tell you what that step is, but to be honest, I just want to enjoy completing the second step!
Pat cooked dinner again this evening. Not because I asked him too, but because I was sound asleep on the couch and he didn't want to wake me. He also apparently took Britney out for some small driving lessons. He's a good man and I'm glad he's the one doing it and not me, because right now...it's too much for me to process. Plus, I'd be looking for a brake pedal on my side of the car...lol. Then tonight, after dinner, Brit decided that she was going to bake some cupcakes. Like any person doing something for the first time, she had some hiccups, but all in all, they turned out okay. You know...once you can actually pry the paper off the cupcakes and you don't break a tooth on the first bite. But you know what? She did it ON HER OWN and it makes me proud! If she got confused about something, she asked for help, which makes me even more proud.
I'm trying more and more to focus on the good things going on in my life. I won't apologize for spending a lot of time talking about my sobriety efforts or the effects it is/has on my body. If you don't want to read about it, then you don't have to. All I know is that right now, this very moment...I am 8 days from hitting 30 days! That is a major accomplishment for me. I am not a quitter, and I don't consider being sober as "quitting"...I see it as a life change. I am a survivor and will forever recover from this disease.
I hope you all can take some moral inventory, as hard as it may be, and tackle some of the things that you don't like about yourself. Honesty is the hardest pill to swallow. Especially when it comes from your own mind.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Epiphany
Step Two simply states that we recognize a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. I have had no issue stating that I recognize my higher power is God, but I truly struggled with letting go of the control and accepting that He could restore me to sanity. It was put into such a simple, black and white, statement tonight that it truly made me stop and realize that I was the one standing in the way. It was said that there either IS or there IS NOT a power greater than you that can restore you to sanity. It's black and white. There is NO grey area.
My God CAN restore me to sanity. I need simply to ask. So starting tomorrow morning with my prayers to start my day, I will include my request, and then step back and allow His will to be done with my life. It's amazing once you realize that you are the one blocking your progress! How silly do I feel. Nah, not really. I'm surrounded by people who have sometimes taken years to work all twelve steps. I'd like to think that I won't take that long, because I only have a few more months left stateside to have my sponsor at my fingertips and at my meetings. After that, I'm either going to have to make my own AA meetings overseas or Skype in with some online meetings. I'll have to figure out the time difference and if the meetings are happening at 3 in the morning my time, there is no way I can make that happen.
Today was all in all a great day. I did go to the gym, which I discussed earlier. I even made it on time to Yoga tonight and had a great session there. I can't wait until the new schedule starts on the 10th of this month because they have added a couple more instructors, some new classes and times and a class specifically for those of us who are "curvy". However; I find that the more I go, the more limber I am becoming, the more in tune with my body I am becoming and honestly, I am learning how to recenter myself when I get anxious or feel overwhelmed. I can take some deep breaths, do a couple different poses and just feel better. I'm still debating on trying Zumba. Maybe in a couple weeks or even next month.
Right now, I really want to try to make amends with my daughter, who has felt neglected...and when I am honest...she was neglected. Because I was a drunk. My issues spilled over onto my family and they are the ones that suffered from it the most, because the rest of the time, I just didn't care. It's nice to "feel" again. It's nice to smile again. It's even nicer to laugh again.
I love my family...all of them. I will get to the point where amends will be made. I'm just not at that step yet. For now, I am just going to enjoy my daughter, my husband, our dogs, my AA family and the rest of the time we have left in Texas.
Have a great night all. Hug and love your family tonight.
Namaste.
My God CAN restore me to sanity. I need simply to ask. So starting tomorrow morning with my prayers to start my day, I will include my request, and then step back and allow His will to be done with my life. It's amazing once you realize that you are the one blocking your progress! How silly do I feel. Nah, not really. I'm surrounded by people who have sometimes taken years to work all twelve steps. I'd like to think that I won't take that long, because I only have a few more months left stateside to have my sponsor at my fingertips and at my meetings. After that, I'm either going to have to make my own AA meetings overseas or Skype in with some online meetings. I'll have to figure out the time difference and if the meetings are happening at 3 in the morning my time, there is no way I can make that happen.
Today was all in all a great day. I did go to the gym, which I discussed earlier. I even made it on time to Yoga tonight and had a great session there. I can't wait until the new schedule starts on the 10th of this month because they have added a couple more instructors, some new classes and times and a class specifically for those of us who are "curvy". However; I find that the more I go, the more limber I am becoming, the more in tune with my body I am becoming and honestly, I am learning how to recenter myself when I get anxious or feel overwhelmed. I can take some deep breaths, do a couple different poses and just feel better. I'm still debating on trying Zumba. Maybe in a couple weeks or even next month.
Right now, I really want to try to make amends with my daughter, who has felt neglected...and when I am honest...she was neglected. Because I was a drunk. My issues spilled over onto my family and they are the ones that suffered from it the most, because the rest of the time, I just didn't care. It's nice to "feel" again. It's nice to smile again. It's even nicer to laugh again.
I love my family...all of them. I will get to the point where amends will be made. I'm just not at that step yet. For now, I am just going to enjoy my daughter, my husband, our dogs, my AA family and the rest of the time we have left in Texas.
Have a great night all. Hug and love your family tonight.
Namaste.
I'm trying something new
We found these drinks at H-E-B the other day called Neuro Sleep, Neuro Bliss, Neuro Trim, etc. The sleep one helps you to ease into sleep at night without any added non natural stuff in it. It works, I drink it and usually within a half hour, I can lie down and fall asleep rather easily. I've been drinking the Trim one as well, which is supposed to help with weight loss. Now, I don't know about all that, but the taste reminds me of going out to my grandma's yard and picking grapes straight off the vine and eating them, it takes me back to a nice childhood memory. The best part, other than the taste, is that it only has 35 calories in it and it's non carbonated. The Bliss one is supposed to help you de-stress naturally, it's lightly carbonated, and the taste isn't bad but it is not my favorite.
I'm not endorsing them, in any way, I am just saying that the one for sleep seems to work really well.
Britney and I went to the gym today and worked out for a bit. She surprises me more and more every day. She was running on the treadmill today at 6.8 mph for about 7 minutes when she looks over at me, points to her knee and says it hurts, so I tell her to get off the treadmill. However; prior to that, she has been on the treadmill for about 25 minutes at a pretty good pace of 4.0 mph. There was an Army Reservist there working out on the treadmill, and my 13 yr old daughter, ran circles around him. After him being on the treadmill at 4.5 mph for 10 minutes, he shut it down and doubled over gasping for air....poor dude weighed maybe 145 pounds max. Just goes to show that you never know what a person is capable of just by their looks. This Army wife wound up running circles around him on the treadmill and I weigh significantly more than he does. One of the trainers fussed at him for dropping the weights because he tried to do too much. Meanwhile, my daughter and I are doing arm workouts pulling or pushing anywhere from 30 - 60 pounds and doing leg presses at 90 pounds and pushing and pulling 60 pounds on the inner and outer thigh machines and pushing 90 pounds while working on our glutes. 50 pounds on our abs. Her and I may not have a lot of upper body strength, but we are working on it and while I was literally soaked in sweat, I felt bad for this Reservist because he was just trying to impress the ladies...and we were ALL at a much higher level than this guy. He just needs to come back and work on it a little at a time and build up to it. That's what the rest of us have done.
I'm getting better at ignoring the wine and beer sections at the grocery stores. It doesn't bother me anymore. Sure, I can smell an open something and my mouth may water, but it doesn't mean that I have to take that drink. I can sit back, do my shopping, go home and have some ice tea or water and be just as happy. I'm enjoying my life right at this moment. I'm going to the gym daily, unless my knee dictates otherwise, and I am doing daily Yoga routines as well and those poses I can modify so that there isn't as much pressure on my knee if it's a bad day. Tonight I'll be working with someone I haven't worked with before, so this should be interesting. Right now, I just hope that I have some workout clothes clean and dry before class starts, otherwise I'm going to miss out and I need that extra hour of workout today. This weight cannot stay on forever if I am doing two completely different types of workouts every day, because it's always working different sets of muscles in different ways. Nothing is the same from day to day. Besides, you can't have a 30 inch waist and weigh 250 pounds...it's physically impossible. So here is to doing well so far today.
I'll be back later!
I'm not endorsing them, in any way, I am just saying that the one for sleep seems to work really well.
Britney and I went to the gym today and worked out for a bit. She surprises me more and more every day. She was running on the treadmill today at 6.8 mph for about 7 minutes when she looks over at me, points to her knee and says it hurts, so I tell her to get off the treadmill. However; prior to that, she has been on the treadmill for about 25 minutes at a pretty good pace of 4.0 mph. There was an Army Reservist there working out on the treadmill, and my 13 yr old daughter, ran circles around him. After him being on the treadmill at 4.5 mph for 10 minutes, he shut it down and doubled over gasping for air....poor dude weighed maybe 145 pounds max. Just goes to show that you never know what a person is capable of just by their looks. This Army wife wound up running circles around him on the treadmill and I weigh significantly more than he does. One of the trainers fussed at him for dropping the weights because he tried to do too much. Meanwhile, my daughter and I are doing arm workouts pulling or pushing anywhere from 30 - 60 pounds and doing leg presses at 90 pounds and pushing and pulling 60 pounds on the inner and outer thigh machines and pushing 90 pounds while working on our glutes. 50 pounds on our abs. Her and I may not have a lot of upper body strength, but we are working on it and while I was literally soaked in sweat, I felt bad for this Reservist because he was just trying to impress the ladies...and we were ALL at a much higher level than this guy. He just needs to come back and work on it a little at a time and build up to it. That's what the rest of us have done.
I'm getting better at ignoring the wine and beer sections at the grocery stores. It doesn't bother me anymore. Sure, I can smell an open something and my mouth may water, but it doesn't mean that I have to take that drink. I can sit back, do my shopping, go home and have some ice tea or water and be just as happy. I'm enjoying my life right at this moment. I'm going to the gym daily, unless my knee dictates otherwise, and I am doing daily Yoga routines as well and those poses I can modify so that there isn't as much pressure on my knee if it's a bad day. Tonight I'll be working with someone I haven't worked with before, so this should be interesting. Right now, I just hope that I have some workout clothes clean and dry before class starts, otherwise I'm going to miss out and I need that extra hour of workout today. This weight cannot stay on forever if I am doing two completely different types of workouts every day, because it's always working different sets of muscles in different ways. Nothing is the same from day to day. Besides, you can't have a 30 inch waist and weigh 250 pounds...it's physically impossible. So here is to doing well so far today.
I'll be back later!
Sponsorship
Tonight was the meeting where I finally felt comfortable with someone to ask them if they would be willing to be my sponsor. She accepted and we began our conversation. I admitted that I had done Step One, but I am struggling with Step Two and we discussed that. She reconfirmed that I am getting ahead of myself and trying to jump ahead a few steps, which cannot be done, until finish Step Two. My struggle is not that I do not believe in God, but that I struggle with the whole concept of He can return me to sanity. I have to come to terms with that and firmly believe that He can and will, before I can move on.
I will get there. Eventually. For now, I continue to just take things as they come.
I enjoy my meetings. I enjoy the people there. I love feeling like I finally belong somewhere. I no longer feel as crazy as I once did. Which, ironically enough, was just a few weeks ago. Mentally I am slowly getting back to a clear head. I still have my crazy moments and get angry. I still slam things, but then I go to the gym and just work it out there. I can work as hard as I want to get the anger out and I am not harming anyone, which is amazing in itself.
I am overall just feeling better tonight. I think it's all a combination of things. Keeping a daily journal. Writing a daily blog (or two). Taking my medication on schedule. Talking to my husband, to friends, to family and being honest with my daughter when she asks questions. At this point, I am looking forward to going with her to her first Alateen meeting on Monday at 8:00. Granted, I will be in the AA meeting, but she will be in the same building just in a separate room with kids her age who are going through the same thing, it will give her some perspective from kids that she can relate to.
There is a lot of anger, anxiety and just a lot of confusion as to why mommy has the issues that she does. She doesn't understand why I have the addiction that I do. I hope this helps her. If she is not comfortable with this group of kids, then there are a couple other groups we can try. If nothing else, then I will just take her with me on open discussion nights. It's not my ideal situation, but anything I can do that can help her, then I am willing to do it.
I'm a little tired today, but a two hour workout and then a taxing meeting will wear you down. However; my plan is to try to get back to church tomorrow. I believe I will be able to make it through with minimal withdrawal symptoms. Plus, I just feel like God is speaking directly to me through a couple different ways today, making me see that I am still His child and His love is unending and unconditional.
Now, on to the next step.
For tonight, I will end as we do in our meetings:
Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be they name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day, our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever and ever. Amen.
Good night all.
I will get there. Eventually. For now, I continue to just take things as they come.
I enjoy my meetings. I enjoy the people there. I love feeling like I finally belong somewhere. I no longer feel as crazy as I once did. Which, ironically enough, was just a few weeks ago. Mentally I am slowly getting back to a clear head. I still have my crazy moments and get angry. I still slam things, but then I go to the gym and just work it out there. I can work as hard as I want to get the anger out and I am not harming anyone, which is amazing in itself.
I am overall just feeling better tonight. I think it's all a combination of things. Keeping a daily journal. Writing a daily blog (or two). Taking my medication on schedule. Talking to my husband, to friends, to family and being honest with my daughter when she asks questions. At this point, I am looking forward to going with her to her first Alateen meeting on Monday at 8:00. Granted, I will be in the AA meeting, but she will be in the same building just in a separate room with kids her age who are going through the same thing, it will give her some perspective from kids that she can relate to.
There is a lot of anger, anxiety and just a lot of confusion as to why mommy has the issues that she does. She doesn't understand why I have the addiction that I do. I hope this helps her. If she is not comfortable with this group of kids, then there are a couple other groups we can try. If nothing else, then I will just take her with me on open discussion nights. It's not my ideal situation, but anything I can do that can help her, then I am willing to do it.
I'm a little tired today, but a two hour workout and then a taxing meeting will wear you down. However; my plan is to try to get back to church tomorrow. I believe I will be able to make it through with minimal withdrawal symptoms. Plus, I just feel like God is speaking directly to me through a couple different ways today, making me see that I am still His child and His love is unending and unconditional.
Now, on to the next step.
For tonight, I will end as we do in our meetings:
Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be they name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day, our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever and ever. Amen.
Good night all.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Self enlightenment
If we look at the definition, as found at www.dictionary.reference.com, we see that it says this:
en·light·en·ment
[en-lahyt-n-muhnt] Show IPA
noun
4.the Enlightenment, a philosophical movement of the 18th century, characterized by belief in the power of human reason and by innovations in political, religious, and educational doctrine.
The one that hits me the most today is number four - 'characterized by belief in the power of human reason AND by innovations in political, religous and educational doctrine.' Now I may be wrong here and I am open to hearing others interpretations of the same definition and why it strikes them. I guess my belief system, is a little skewed at times, but what it really all boils down to is that every facet of our lives, regardless of how we try to separate them, causes true enlightenment once you face it.
Now, I am NOT a religious "nut" that is so generalized that it drives me insane. I am also not a political person by nature. I couldn't care less to be quite honest about it. Leave me alone and I'll leave you alone. Simple. Education varies so greatly from state to state, city to city, school district to school district. I do have an opinion on education and it is that I believe the no child left behind act is the biggest bunch of bull I have ever seen happen to our schools and two, I believe there should be STANDARDIZED teaching ACROSS.THE.BOARD. If you transfer from one school to another in mid year of 6th grade, we'll use the example because you are a military family, then I believe that regardless of WHERE you move to, that child should be able to pick up EXACTLY where they left off at from the other school. Again, that is just my opinion.
However; the last couple of days since my brain doesn't seem to race and my body seems to be able to have some controllable movements, I have had a chance to take a peek inside and have some self enlightenment of my own. I'll be honest, it's scary as heck what I find inside me. People really should be afraid. I'm not entirely sure if I am kidding there or not. I do find that looking in and evaluating a few things is not bad. I have to work a few more steps before I have to take my moral inventory, so I know I am getting ahead of myself, but that's just me. I look at step one, skip to the end, read the last step and then try to get all the pieces and parts to look like it does in the picture. Oh sure, sometimes I get an extra screw or a piece of wood...but all in all...it mostly looks like it should. That's how I feel right about now.
Like there are a lot of pieces of me lying around in different areas. A screw here, a nut there, a bolt over there, some wire and aluminum in some other state. I feel scattered and I guess that's the best visual description I can give to you right now. I would love to have some wonderful self enlightenment to share, but the truth is that all I have discovered is that inside myself, it is a dark, scary, very lonely world.
Someone said it best last night at our meeting. "Humans are social creatures by nature. Alcoholics always feel out of place, no matter where we go or who we hang out with, with our buddies at the bar or wherever. We are constantly seeking someplace to just feel like this is where we belong. Where we are welcome. A.A. IS where I finally feel like I found my place in the world." I agreed with him then an I still agree with him. I make no excuses for what I have done to myself and to my family and friends. I can only apologize and wake up each day thanking God for allowing me to wake up again. And at the end of the day, I thank Him for allowing me to make it today without a drink. I give it to Him and I am going to trust.
Because that is all I can do right now. Trust.
I like the color blue
Not that the title to this has any bearing whatsoever, but I just felt like sharing an honest truth in my opening. I not only like the color blue, I adore the color blue. I bleed blue, but that's because I was a good southern girl raised in the great Commonwealth of Kentucky where the ONLY basketball team worth mentioning is the University of Kentucky Wildcats. GO BIG BLUE!! Sometimes, it's a shame that I find myself temporarily stuck in Texas who has the fixation with the ugliest color of orange I have ever seen. Not that I don't like orange, I do. My high school colors were blue and orange and they were awesome! Somehow I find myself digressing from whatever it was that I was going to talk about.
So moving on now.
Welcome to the sudden left turns that I take in my thought process. God bless my husband, because he has to live with me on a daily basis and he still loves me. Even when I am in mid sentence and then pop off with some random thought that instantly entered my head. A good visualization is you are driving straight down a road and then the passenger suddenly screams, "TURN LEFT NOW". That is how my brain works. However; it does work. Broken and scattered as it may be...it will surprise each of you that I turned down an invitation to join Mensa, because yes, my IQ is that high. No college degree. No idea what I want to be when I grow up. However; I am smart. I hope that if I rub against my kids enough or give them enough hugs, that some of my excess brain cells will somehow flake off and soak into their head. It works, ya know, in theory.
I met with my primary doctor today so he could see where I was at in my detox process. He is happy with the progress, but still concerned about a few lingering issues, especially the shakes and the insane need to move...lots! However; when I take the medicine as instructed, it helps calm me. I will currently stay on the same dosage and call him at least 3 days before I need a refill and he will make sure it gets taken care of. I will follow up with him again in two weeks and we will go from there. I did tell him about the rule about going to my meetings without being under the influence of any type of mind altering drugs, and let's be honest, the medicine he has me on is definitely mind altering. My doctor assured me that since it was a prescription medication, while he was truly impressed that I am going to nightly meetings and following their rules, but he was also certain that because it was prescribed for my withdrawal issues there should be no issue. Just to make sure, after our meeting tonight, I spoke with the moderator and explained to him that when our meetings start is when I am due to take my last dose of the day, but the rule was no mind altering substances. He reassured me that as long as it was a prescription medication, with my name on it, with the dosage amount and who the doctor was...there was NO issue with taking it either before or even during the meeting and IF I brought the medication with me, to please allow one of the moderators to lock it in the safe and after everyone had cleared out, they would remove it from the safe and return it to me. So that is one road block that I have been able to clear.
I still haven't found a sponsor. What I have decided is that I am going to put it in God's hands. I am going to allow him to lead someone to me. He knows what I need most right now, definitely more so than I. So my prayers at night and in the morning are still very simple. Thank you for giving me another day on this earth. Thank you for taking away the craving. Help me get through today. Your will, not mine, be done.
Simple. Yet so hard to take those steps. And make it public, so that you all can call me on my crap.
Good night all. May God, or the Higher Power as you understand them, bless and keep you.
So moving on now.
Welcome to the sudden left turns that I take in my thought process. God bless my husband, because he has to live with me on a daily basis and he still loves me. Even when I am in mid sentence and then pop off with some random thought that instantly entered my head. A good visualization is you are driving straight down a road and then the passenger suddenly screams, "TURN LEFT NOW". That is how my brain works. However; it does work. Broken and scattered as it may be...it will surprise each of you that I turned down an invitation to join Mensa, because yes, my IQ is that high. No college degree. No idea what I want to be when I grow up. However; I am smart. I hope that if I rub against my kids enough or give them enough hugs, that some of my excess brain cells will somehow flake off and soak into their head. It works, ya know, in theory.
I met with my primary doctor today so he could see where I was at in my detox process. He is happy with the progress, but still concerned about a few lingering issues, especially the shakes and the insane need to move...lots! However; when I take the medicine as instructed, it helps calm me. I will currently stay on the same dosage and call him at least 3 days before I need a refill and he will make sure it gets taken care of. I will follow up with him again in two weeks and we will go from there. I did tell him about the rule about going to my meetings without being under the influence of any type of mind altering drugs, and let's be honest, the medicine he has me on is definitely mind altering. My doctor assured me that since it was a prescription medication, while he was truly impressed that I am going to nightly meetings and following their rules, but he was also certain that because it was prescribed for my withdrawal issues there should be no issue. Just to make sure, after our meeting tonight, I spoke with the moderator and explained to him that when our meetings start is when I am due to take my last dose of the day, but the rule was no mind altering substances. He reassured me that as long as it was a prescription medication, with my name on it, with the dosage amount and who the doctor was...there was NO issue with taking it either before or even during the meeting and IF I brought the medication with me, to please allow one of the moderators to lock it in the safe and after everyone had cleared out, they would remove it from the safe and return it to me. So that is one road block that I have been able to clear.
I still haven't found a sponsor. What I have decided is that I am going to put it in God's hands. I am going to allow him to lead someone to me. He knows what I need most right now, definitely more so than I. So my prayers at night and in the morning are still very simple. Thank you for giving me another day on this earth. Thank you for taking away the craving. Help me get through today. Your will, not mine, be done.
Simple. Yet so hard to take those steps. And make it public, so that you all can call me on my crap.
Good night all. May God, or the Higher Power as you understand them, bless and keep you.
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