It's a bright, bright sun shiney day

Ah ha! You now have that song running through your head now too! He he...at least I am not the only one with songs/words/phrases running on a fast track through my brain. I'm a sharer. And yes, that is a word...otherwise it would have put a little red squiggly line under it for me to see and say it wasn't right. So, I'm good this morning on spelling!

I took my medicines this morning and must say that I feel extremely, extremely calm. Although my brain seems to be running circles around some track inside, my body is not responding to the thought processes. There is a disconnection in there somewhere and I am perfectly fine with that. I can deal with this feeling a lot easier than I can when I feel like I want to jump out of a moving vehicle or claw my skin off because I can't stop tapping or jumping or heck, even just forming a coherent sentence! 

Maybe that's why I picked up my blog again. If I type this out, then it forces me to focus on each individual word within the sentence. Okay, I can type almost faster than I can talk, but today the coordination required is making me slow down and pay attention. Plus, you can't hear me stuttering if I am typing something. Because right now, I stutter...a lot. 

Of course, right now I have a fly buzzing around my head and it is driving me insane! That little buzz of its wings flapping. Grr! If I can catch this thing sitting down for longer than 1.3 seconds, I am going to kill it. For now, as long as it doesn't land in my coffee, we're okay....for now. I'm watching you little fly and I will get you. 

What I would like to do right now is go outside and have a cigarette. Transfer addiction. That's what I have to battle right now as well. I not only have to fight the urge to stop drinking, but I also have to fight the urge to start smoking. Sheesh! No wonder the majority of alcoholics fall off the wagon as many times as we do before we finally get our crap together and truly make it work. I think that is my biggest fear. Hitting a milestone marker and "celebrating" by having a drink. Because the thinking in our minds is that we have been sober for X number of days/months/years, so what will one drink hurt is. One won't have any effect. I am extremely realistic in this journey. I know that at some point, that I will do that exact thinking and I'll trip up. 

This is not something that most just casually toss to the side. I wish I could really have you all step inside my head for even just an hour so you could truly understand what goes on inside the brain of an alcoholic. It's not pretty. It doesn't even remotely begin to make any sort of nonsensical sense. It's all a jumble. 

And this is where I am right this moment. Because I can't anticipate what will be happening in the next. So, I deal. Sorta.