Twice in one day is almost unheard of

So, my doctor called me back. Not one of the nurses, but my actual doctor, Dr. Victorica. I'm glad he called when he did because I was almost manic and he could hear it in my voice. This was not something that I was just saying was happening, but he could physically hear the difference in my speech and tone. He assured me that what I am experiencing is withdrawal and that we can treat this by detoxing my body. He will follow up with me tomorrow, I am to be in his office the following day and every day, if needed, to make sure I survive the detox period. 

He stressed the absolute necessity to not even take a sip of alcohol with the medication that he is prescribing for the detox because it would truly be fatal. I'm not looking to die. If I was, I would have simply continued on the path I was on with the drinking. Because trust me, I was well on my way to an early grave. The only thought that I have been able to come up with on why I was drinking so very much, is that subconsciously I did want to die. When in reality, I do not. I love my husband and my children, so very much. I just lost the ability to deal with the amount of pain that I was physically in and then try to deal with the amount of stress from our everyday lives. It isn't an excuse, but it was my justification. 

I can justify just about anything if I truly want it or think I need it. It isn't hard to find those reasons. Rationalization. Justification. "Stinkin' Thinkin'". Nice term, huh. Stinkin' thinkin'...but it's true. An alcoholic needs no other reason to drink other than whatever we come up with in our minds. We are our own worst enemy, in every sense of the word. 

You know something? I have spent the majority of today in a truly manic state. Fidgety, itchy, jumpy, stuttering, unable to form a complete sentence that made sense unless I stopped to think about and then form each individual word in my head and then speak it slowly and with clear intentions to get across what I was trying to say. Tapping. My fingers, my hands, my feet....tap, tap, tap. I feel like my brain is starting to slow down a little, so maybe the medicine is slowly taking effect. 

I am going to very clear and state that I don't expect miracles. I know God is in the business of miracles, but I don't expect one for myself. I know full well that this is going to be a long, slow process of a lot of ups and downs. Hopefully the ups will eventually outweigh the downs, but for now...this is my life. 

Scattered. Shattered. Broken. In a healing process.

Life = Temporarily Interrupted.