The dreaded "D" word

Depression: noun - severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.

I discussed suicide a few days ago and today I am going to tackle depression.

I've seen a lot of things the last few days talking about different things, but this is the one topic that keeps showing up. I am taking this as a sign to open up and talk about this with you all. Again, I am not a professional, just a person who suffers from this.

This is not something that one can generally just "get over" or just decide to get happy. True depression has nothing to do with happiness. It has to do with our inability to be happy when everything else in our lives are going really well. If it was something as simple as just making ourselves happy then we'd gladly do so. 

I have battled depression for over 20 years now. I am now defined as being clinically depressed. My brain does not make enough of some chemical so I take medication to help replace some of it. Even on medication though, I battle most days to just get out of bed. It's a pretty good day if I shower or remember to brush my teeth. I don't even leave the house 95% of the time. I don't want to interact with people and I just prefer to be left alone.

I'm in the process of being evaluated for Bi-Polar disorder. Why? Because I was honest with my psychiatrist and told him about going from high to low quite suddenly and not really for any reason at all. I'm struggling with impulse control. I sometimes go days on end being angry and I have no idea why. I'm not angry with anyone or over anything, but I am just angry. I will suddenly start crying for absolutely no reason and then I get depressed because I'm crying and then I get angry because I'm depressed over crying. It's a vicious, vicious cycle. One that I don't even understand.

I'd love to be able to say that the reason I am depressed is because of whatever. I can't. The only downside to my life right now is just the fact that Pat is overseas. I've gotten so used to him being gone that I don't know how to act when he's home. Which is sad, in and of itself.

I welcome this opportunity to open myself up to you all. If you have any questions please feel free to talk to me. In fact, feel free to talk to anyone about this. If you think you may be suffering or battling depression, please talk to your health care provider. There is a wealth of information out there. You just have to be willing to admit you need help.