Insomnia

Insomnia is characterized by the difficulty of falling asleep or the inability to stay asleep. Going by only that it is obvious that I have this particular "disorder". It also helps that I've had some sleep studies done and they confirmed that while I do not have sleep apnea their observations reconfirmed to my doctors that I am an insomniac. 

25 years...that's how long I have dealt with insomnia. One third of my life I have been unable to either fall asleep or, if I do, I do not stay asleep. I toss and turn, have strange dreams, or I simply lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. I've even been known to count patterns found in the ceiling plaster in an effort to bore myself enough to fall asleep. It didn't work. 

I cannot tell you the many different medications that we have tried in an effort to just get me to sleep. I've seriously lost count. What I haven't lost is the ability to stay awake. It's absolutely mind numbing when you go days on end with very little, if any, rest. You get jumpy, paranoid, grumpy, and finally...exhausted. 

The exhaustion is what bothers me most. I can deal with irritability and I think I do okay when I have to interact with people. However; after a while, it just wears you down. You begin to look rather haggard. I've even been asked if someone has punched me in the eye because the circles were so dark. I feel the muscles quivering just beneath the skin almost all the time now. It's similar to what having low blood glucose levels feels like. 

Cognitive ability is diminished and you turn into a stuttering oaf. The normal day to day decisions turn into major issues and you just want to slam your head into a wall hard enough to knock yourself out. Driving is no longer a feasible option because you know that if you needed to react quickly, you will be unable to, and bad things could happen. 

My biggest issue is just getting my brain to shut down. I will think over a decision I made and run through every possible outcome over and over...and over...again and again. Even when I come to the conclusion that there was no other way, it still runs through. I get these random thoughts and then off to the races my mind goes. What I noticed last night is that, while I think something in my head, only half of what I want to say actually gets said. It makes for some pretty funny conversations. 

It's rather disconcerting, as well, when you begin to lose weight from your inability to sleep. I can't eat a lot, so I drink everything from coffee to tea to water. No soda though. I'd bounce off the walls if I consumed a crap load of sugar on top of the loopiness from lack of sleep. I guess the extra water consumption is keeping me hydrated. At least I won't die from dehydration.

I came to the conclusion today that my depression and all the other issues going on are exacerbated by the insomnia. What once was something controlled quite nicely, is now a raging storm in the middle of an ocean, and it's about to make landfall. I, only hope, that I am at home when I flip stupid and not in public. I've scared grown men when I go into a rage. I also scare myself because what is being projected on the outside is only a small portion of what I feel inside. 

All caused by the lack of sleep. 

Which makes me wonder...was the alcoholism a trigger from the insomnia? 

No. No...I can't start thinking again. My head hurts enough already.