I picked up another desire chip tonight after our meeting. Not because I was necessarily making an outward sign to try to not drink for 24 hours, but because a certain dog in my house decided that my first desire chip was well...desirable. I try to carry this chip in my pocket at all times so that when I get a little itchy or nervous or shaky, I have a physical reminder that I can reach in and touch that reminds me of my sincere desire to remain sober. It is my physical reminder that I only have to not drink for 24 hours...every day. I am counting down the days now to when I can get my 30 day sobriety chip! It's numbers and I have an obsession with numbers. 16 days sober = 14 days until I am 30 days sober and I can celebrate that accomplishment!
I've also finally figured out the equation to reviving my metabolism and getting the weight I have gained to come back off. Although I feel like I am a yo-yo right now. Lose 7 pounds, bust the knee up a little, take a week off and somehow manage to gain 10 pounds. Get back in the gym after a week off, I've gone three days this week and when I weighed at the Allergists office this morning, I was down 3 pounds from a week ago. All of a sudden, I had this epiphany. Hmmm...go to the gym, every day, work out doing both cardio and some minor weight training, concentrating on strengthening the knee, working on building some upper body strength, get back into Yoga a few times a week and drink a crap load of water = weight loss. Will power. Transfer addiction.
Oh, transfer addiction. Let's talk about that for a little bit. They warn you before having weight loss surgery that at SOME point we are going to have transfer addiction, because essentially, while some truly had medical conditions that contributed to their obesity, it still boiled down to the fact that we were ALL addicted to food. Great. I thought I could be that one that did everything right. Then I started smoking. Then I started drinking, slowly. Then I quit smoking. I couldn't eat a lot, but by gosh I could drink like a fish. It's a slippery slope. Now that I am battling the alcohol addiction. I went back to smoking. Just a couple at home, outside, during the day and then roughly 5 during A.A. meetings. I was honest with the allergist today when he asked if I smoked and then I proceeded to be even more honest about my alcohol addiction and that I am in the midst of battling that. I told him that I know this is transfer addiction, but that when I get to the point that I can truly handle not being an addict of any sort, then there are medications that can help me stop smoking. He surprised me with what he said after that. He said, "I am not going to come down on you for smoking. You are battling addiction, a serious disease, and you know the ramifications. You are also aware that you have simply transferred one for another and you also know that you CAN stop that as well. Take your addictions and battle them one at a time. When you are sober for a time, and you decide you no longer wish to smoke, then I truly believe that you will seek that help in doing so." What? I had a doctor NOT fussing because I was smoking? Isn't that in their handbook somewhere to counsel people about this? Hey...then I realized that he understood that I am truly working at this. So, we're going to work on the allergies that Texas is sharing with me in spades!
I'm not real sure where I am going from here, but I do know that somewhere in all this obscurity, there is some kind of meaning. I don't know, maybe it's just rambling. Oh yes...my point was the desire chip. Which I addressed already. Okay.
Oh, something funny to share. Bailee has decided that their continuous water feeder bowl in the kitchen is her personal pool. She has apparently flooded the kitchen three times today. I find it amazing that she has ONLY done this when I am not at home. I'm not sure if she knows she can get away with that behavior while I am gone or if she has just decided that she didn't want to go outside and play in their pool. Either way, it's not acceptable, had I been here she would have been punished. Apparently my husband and my daughter do not have the ability to punish the puppy, because she is "just a puppy."
Oh, we did go to the gym again today. Wait, did I talk about this already? Okay, so I talked about my equation, but not about us going today. Ah ha! Pat, Brit and I all went today. Pat did about 20 minutes on the treadmill switching his run between 4.5 mph and 6 mph at 0 incline. Brit did 20 minutes at the cardio level 1 and then did a manual setting and ran at 6.5 mph for 10 minutes. I was SO proud of her! Then she worked on her inner and outer thighs doing 50 pounds of weight and 3 sets of 15. Then over to the upper body machine where she did just a couple push ups, but hey it was more than I can do. She ended on the glute machine pushing 50 pounds doing 3 sets of 10 on each leg. I can't tell you what all Pat did...I was concentrating on my own workout. Thighs, glutes, abs, cardio, and ending with upper body. Needless to say, we'd been there an hour and a half before we realized it. I left with my shirt soaked in sweat.
So what better way to go to H-E-B? It's not like I was going to Wal-Mart where we needed to get dressed up....LOL. Sorry...personal joke there. We went in, soaked in sweat, with probably a little musky smell to us and picked up some salad stuff, lemon packets for my tea and I was able to find some yogurt that I can have that is lactose free and relatively low in sugar. At which point, we came home, I made hamburgers, Pat grilled them and we had a salad. I was able to shower, while my legs screamed and ached, but got dressed and made it to the 8:00 meeting!
I love these meetings. Open, honest, and the best thing...NO JUDGEMENTS! You are welcomed with open arms regardless of where you are in your journey. New, old, somewhere in the middle...we're all in the same boat. The only thing I didn't do today was attempt to find a sponsor. I am going to put that in God's hands and let his will be done. I will get a sponsor when it's time and not a moment sooner.
For now. I am alive. I am breathing. I am blessed.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
La la la...
This is how I feel tonight. It's not a bad feeling and not a great feeling, but it is nice to just feel a little more like myself. I am not craving the alcohol. I am not shaking nearly as bad. The withdrawal process is coming to an end, slowly but oh so surely. I have already done Step One, from the book Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.
Step One - "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable."
Who cares to admit complete defeat? Admission of powerlessness is the first step in liberation. Relation of humility to sobriety. Mental obsession plus physical allergy. Why must every A.A. hit bottom?
I have not gotten a sponsor yet, so right now, this is as far as I have gotten in my Twelve Steps. Simply admitting to the fact that I had become powerless over anything was difficult. I am not a weak person. I am not an extremely dependent person. I put my mind to do something and neither hell nor high water shall keep me from at least attempting to gain whatever it is that I decide I want. It never dawned on me that my wanting a drink was more than just me wanting a drink. I was stressed, depressed, angry...whatever. It took a seemingly harmless conversation with my husband one morning, where he said something and I honestly looked at him like he had sprouted an alien head from his shoulders. My question was quite simple and his answer was, "wow, well that makes me feel rotten." Meaningless, seemingly simple conversation...and I had ZERO recall of any of it. It was the next day that I became blatantly honest with my doctor and we started the ball rolling.
I now go to nightly A.A. meetings, not because I am court ordered, not because I have a probation or parole officer, or a judge "suggesting" that I attend these meetings. I attend the meetings because I need to know that I am not alone in my journey. I was in my fifth meeting when I first shared and started off just like everyone else with the typical, "My name is Dee and I am an alcoholic." It was then that I first heard myself say that I had not had a drink in however many days at that point, but I was just then admitting that I was completely, utterly powerless over alcohol, and my life had become truly unmanageable...because of my OWN doing.
Next up,
Step Two - "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
What can we believe in? A.A. does not demand belief; Twelve Steps are only suggestions. Importance of an open mind. Variety of ways to faith. Substitution of A.A. as Higher Power. Plight of the disillusioned. Roadblocks of indifference and prejudice. Lost faith found in A.A. Problems of intellectuality and self-sufficiency. Negative and positive thinking. Self-righteousness. Defiance is an outstanding characteristic of alcoholics. Step Two is a rallying point to sanity. Right relation to God.
This is the step I am currently working on. I recognize God as my higher power, but I struggle with the fact that I have to release the control of my own will and give it to Him. I am human. I err. I get confused and I like having control. While I believe in my God...I am not at the point that I can truly believe that He can honestly and rightly return me to sanity. While I believe He is carrying me fully and completely right now in my journey...I feel like I am failing by not fully trusting Him to return me to my sanity.
Once again, I will get there. I really wish I had a sponsor to talk to about these feelings. Maybe that should be my next step. I need to find a sponsor. That will be on my to-do list tomorrow. Start making phone calls and see where God is going to lead me. My prayers have been almost non-existent and that is my own fault. I've been driven to my knees and I failed to remember that I have been in the perfect position to pray. Now, to remember who is my Redeemer, my Deliverer and who is not going to leave me and will always, ALWAYS welcome me back with open arms and I know that His love is completely without strings and unconditional.
So, tonight. I want to just thank God, for all the small things He does for me everyday that I have become completely blind to in my self-centeredness.
Step One - "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable."
Who cares to admit complete defeat? Admission of powerlessness is the first step in liberation. Relation of humility to sobriety. Mental obsession plus physical allergy. Why must every A.A. hit bottom?
I have not gotten a sponsor yet, so right now, this is as far as I have gotten in my Twelve Steps. Simply admitting to the fact that I had become powerless over anything was difficult. I am not a weak person. I am not an extremely dependent person. I put my mind to do something and neither hell nor high water shall keep me from at least attempting to gain whatever it is that I decide I want. It never dawned on me that my wanting a drink was more than just me wanting a drink. I was stressed, depressed, angry...whatever. It took a seemingly harmless conversation with my husband one morning, where he said something and I honestly looked at him like he had sprouted an alien head from his shoulders. My question was quite simple and his answer was, "wow, well that makes me feel rotten." Meaningless, seemingly simple conversation...and I had ZERO recall of any of it. It was the next day that I became blatantly honest with my doctor and we started the ball rolling.
I now go to nightly A.A. meetings, not because I am court ordered, not because I have a probation or parole officer, or a judge "suggesting" that I attend these meetings. I attend the meetings because I need to know that I am not alone in my journey. I was in my fifth meeting when I first shared and started off just like everyone else with the typical, "My name is Dee and I am an alcoholic." It was then that I first heard myself say that I had not had a drink in however many days at that point, but I was just then admitting that I was completely, utterly powerless over alcohol, and my life had become truly unmanageable...because of my OWN doing.
Next up,
Step Two - "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
What can we believe in? A.A. does not demand belief; Twelve Steps are only suggestions. Importance of an open mind. Variety of ways to faith. Substitution of A.A. as Higher Power. Plight of the disillusioned. Roadblocks of indifference and prejudice. Lost faith found in A.A. Problems of intellectuality and self-sufficiency. Negative and positive thinking. Self-righteousness. Defiance is an outstanding characteristic of alcoholics. Step Two is a rallying point to sanity. Right relation to God.
This is the step I am currently working on. I recognize God as my higher power, but I struggle with the fact that I have to release the control of my own will and give it to Him. I am human. I err. I get confused and I like having control. While I believe in my God...I am not at the point that I can truly believe that He can honestly and rightly return me to sanity. While I believe He is carrying me fully and completely right now in my journey...I feel like I am failing by not fully trusting Him to return me to my sanity.
Once again, I will get there. I really wish I had a sponsor to talk to about these feelings. Maybe that should be my next step. I need to find a sponsor. That will be on my to-do list tomorrow. Start making phone calls and see where God is going to lead me. My prayers have been almost non-existent and that is my own fault. I've been driven to my knees and I failed to remember that I have been in the perfect position to pray. Now, to remember who is my Redeemer, my Deliverer and who is not going to leave me and will always, ALWAYS welcome me back with open arms and I know that His love is completely without strings and unconditional.
So, tonight. I want to just thank God, for all the small things He does for me everyday that I have become completely blind to in my self-centeredness.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Memorial Day 2012
Memorial Day - The day we set aside to honor those who have selflessly served our country and fought for the freedoms we have today.
Most people use this three day weekend to gather with family and friends to celebrate the fact that they have a three day weekend. There are Bar-B-Ques, gatherings, drinks, laughter and camaraderie . Some look at this weekend as the beginning of summer. Then there are those that remember and honor this holiday as it should be. For our family and countless others, we have a friend that we miss, that is no longer with us and he served his country and loved doing it. Unfortunately, there were some toxic things in his life that wound up taking his life from us all. I do not let those things diminish the great times he had with his friends and they do not tarnish the few times I had with him as well, because at his core, he was a good man. Just a lost one who didn't know where to make the correct turns.I know this post is a little out of place in the scheme of things. That is because I have spent the better part of two days trying to figure out exactly what I wanted to say. I still don't really know, so instead I am just letting things flow out as they enter my mind. Call it thoughtless writing or whatever. I am going to call this allowing the spirit within run free, without restraint.
My thought processes are still a little unorganized, so bear with me. I am working on me right now. This weekend though gave me a lot of time to stop and reevaluate some things in my life. Caused me to focus on the things and people that matter. My family. My friends. My loved ones that I have lost. Most importantly, it truly gave me pause while standing at our friends grave and turning a full 380 degrees and seeing nothing but row upon row of small American flags lovingly placed at each and every single grave...at each and every single person who gave their lives so that I could freely stand and gaze upon their head stones. Young men and women. Old men and women. Wives buried with their husbands who faithfully served, knowing that those wives served just as their husbands did simply in a different capacity. The hardest ones for me to see? The children. The babies. My heart ached as I watched a soldier and his wife visit the site of their beloved child, to watch this soldier stand at attention and salute his son, who only knew his parents for such a short time, but his parents will never forget him. To watch this soldier bend on one knee and lovingly stroke the headstone allowing his tears to flow freely, without shame, to bend down further and kiss the headstone, while the wife simply sat on her knees with her head bowed, shoulders slumped and tissues in hand. I could not begin to fathom the pain and I did not dare approach to offer my sympathies. This was their moment, their time with their son, their son who was honored just like every other soldier surrounding him.
We forget just how much we take for granted. We forget, even I at times, forget what my husband and our friends sacrifice for us. Without ever asking for recognition or thanks. To them, this is their Duty, their Honor, they do it without pridefullness, but they have so much Pride in our country. I've heard the saying, never leave a man behind, and they mean that! In my personal life right now, I am battling demons so great that I am being torn apart bit by bit, and I watch my husband apply the principles and dedication he has ingrained in him from his service, and it doesn't matter how bad it gets...he NEVER leaves me behind. Never. I love him all the more for that.
My husband serves, therefore our family serves, but we are not recognized for the sacrifices we make for our country. We are the silent ranks. Well, some of us are silent and some of us are not. I'm not sure where I fall in that category at this point. All I know is that to each of my friends that are serving, have currently served, or you are part of the silent ranks...to each of you...I salute you.
For those that have gone on before us. Rest assured that while you may be gone, you are most definitely not forgotten. And one day, we will see you again and can rejoice together.
14 Days!
Celebrate the small victories, don't worry about what tomorrow may be, and thank God for the fact that He gave you today to live. Right now, that is how I am having to live my life. Celebrating the small victories.
I am 14 days sober today. 14 days. Two weeks. I am so close to my half way point to my 30 day sober chip and I want to jump up and down and clap! I haven't had an urge to take a drink in three days now. I'm still dealing with some residual withdrawal symptoms. Mainly shaking and stuttering, but mentally I am in a much better place. Oh, I forgot the sweats. Yeah, I sweat...for sure. Worse than any hot flash ever hit me. My body is finally filtering out the toxins I ingested. Yay!
We went to the gym today to workout. Pat, Brit and I. It was like pulling teeth to get Brit to go, but she did go and that is all that really matters. We got her out of the house, away from the television and made her physically move her body. I am going to go talk to my Yoga instructor and see if there is something we can work out temporarily payment wise so that I can continue to do that because it was seriously helping. Brit also wants to try Zumba, so maybe her and I can plan on just doing one drop in class at some point and try it, see if we like it and then we can go from there. I did okay with my knee today at the gym without the brace, but I paid for it later with residual deep pain and ache in the middle of my knee. I did no jogging though! Tomorrow, I'll start out with a 15 minute cardio warm up and then spend more time concentrating on strength training and then I'll finish off with 15 minutes on the stationary bike. I won't be alone though, I will be meeting a couple of the women in my group there so we can work out together. Afterwards, we'll shower at the gym and then head over to our meeting.
I also learned tonight that I can bring my dogs to the meetings! I was so excited because it means I can take Tiberius with me from time to time. It will give him some alone time with just momma and away from his brother and sister, who seem to be getting on his nerves a little bit lately. Anyway...how awesome is it that you can bring your dog to an A.A. meeting???
Okay, for now, I am a little tired. My medicine is starting to kick in and I am going to have a small snack, some tea and then call it a night.
Good night and God bless you all!
I am 14 days sober today. 14 days. Two weeks. I am so close to my half way point to my 30 day sober chip and I want to jump up and down and clap! I haven't had an urge to take a drink in three days now. I'm still dealing with some residual withdrawal symptoms. Mainly shaking and stuttering, but mentally I am in a much better place. Oh, I forgot the sweats. Yeah, I sweat...for sure. Worse than any hot flash ever hit me. My body is finally filtering out the toxins I ingested. Yay!
We went to the gym today to workout. Pat, Brit and I. It was like pulling teeth to get Brit to go, but she did go and that is all that really matters. We got her out of the house, away from the television and made her physically move her body. I am going to go talk to my Yoga instructor and see if there is something we can work out temporarily payment wise so that I can continue to do that because it was seriously helping. Brit also wants to try Zumba, so maybe her and I can plan on just doing one drop in class at some point and try it, see if we like it and then we can go from there. I did okay with my knee today at the gym without the brace, but I paid for it later with residual deep pain and ache in the middle of my knee. I did no jogging though! Tomorrow, I'll start out with a 15 minute cardio warm up and then spend more time concentrating on strength training and then I'll finish off with 15 minutes on the stationary bike. I won't be alone though, I will be meeting a couple of the women in my group there so we can work out together. Afterwards, we'll shower at the gym and then head over to our meeting.
I also learned tonight that I can bring my dogs to the meetings! I was so excited because it means I can take Tiberius with me from time to time. It will give him some alone time with just momma and away from his brother and sister, who seem to be getting on his nerves a little bit lately. Anyway...how awesome is it that you can bring your dog to an A.A. meeting???
Okay, for now, I am a little tired. My medicine is starting to kick in and I am going to have a small snack, some tea and then call it a night.
Good night and God bless you all!
Monday, May 28, 2012
So far, it is a nice relaxed Sunday
I woke up a little later than I normally do, but not quite as late as I did yesterday, so that is an improvement. Unfortunately I still woke up with the shakes. I'm told that will eventually stop. I'd like it to stop rather quickly, but my body is having to recover from the abuse that it suffered from my own person. I'm still not feeling quite at a point where I am comfortable back in church, but I know that I will get to the time when I will feel safer going there. I already feel enough shame when my immediate family has to watch me shake, tremor and stutter profusely and the people in my nightly group have all been there themselves, so it's nothing new to them. What I don't want to happen is to be sitting in church and have a spell and then a very well intentioned member try to comfort me and say the right things. This is not something that a person can be comforted through and there are no right things to say. So, for now...I will continue my detox process at home or at my meetings.
I'm actually really excited today. Today we are going to meet a woman that I have been talking to on facebook for a while now who lives in south Austin and we are just outside of north Austin. It took us some planning and configurations but we FINALLY nailed down a date. So our families are going to meet, cook out burgers and dogs, beans, watermelon and I am going to make her a butterscotch pecan pie that I am going to make her take home with her. It's good, but it's really rich and it's made with actual Scotch. Sure, it essentially cooks out, but I can still taste it and I look at that as breaking my streak. Why? Because today is 12 days and I am finally starting to come out of the major withdrawals. So, why start all over???
No. Thank you.
Pat took the dogs to the doggie park today for a little bit. I stayed behind because it's just too hot outside for me to be out there. I sweat enough as it is...lol. For now though, I am going to run to Target and pick up a few things before Shannon and her family get here. That should give me enough time to get beans and the pecan pie made.
Okay, so I wound up baking the pie and fixing the beans while Larry and Pat, mainly Larry, fixed the kabobs...Pat was there for great moral support...lol. I sent the butterscotch pecan pie home with Shannon and her family and from what I understand, she is thoroughly enjoying it. Larry was in shock and thrilled when I informed him that not only were they taking the pie, they were also going home with the bottle of Scotch used in the making of said pie. Apparently the Scotch I used for baking was his favorite. Excellent! I got rid of a bottle of alcohol and it's going to a home where it will be lovingly cared for...LOL
I cannot tell you the amount of laughs we had with this family. Our kids all got along, very well, and all of us adults laughed a lot and I laughed harder than I have in a long, long time tonight. It is very safe to say that we have new friends and just personally speaking, I am beyond thrilled! Pat and Larry have a lot of things that they enjoy and can talk about. Shannon and I are basically cut from the same cloth. And apparently, we will be having a Monty Python get together soon. Ummm. I cannot tell you just how much I am looking forward to that...lol. I don't get the whole Monty Python thing. I'm more of a Rocky Horror kind of girl myself, but I don't knock what they enjoy. It's hilarious...even if I don't completely understand it. My husband enjoys it and that is all that matters.
I did not attend AA tonight. Am I sad? Absolutely not. I had too good of a time at home to want to go to the meeting. I am not under court orders to attend and I firmly believe that God truly had a hand in tonight for me. He knows our greatest needs and He provides for what we need, when we need it. I needed to laugh, to smile, to relax and just let my walls down for a little bit.
Thank you to Shannon, Larry, their children, my husband and my daughter...for everything tonight. For the laughs. For the shared sarcasm. For everyone just being themselves. I will never be able to thank you all for the things you provided for me tonight.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Intolerance, anger, family and the urge to "understand" or "fix" me
I spent this evening at my meeting with my fellow crazies, otherwise known as my fellow alcoholics, and we each own that. We each took different paths to get there, but the important thing is that we got there. Some of them say that "The state of Texas 'suggested' I come to AA" and we all chuckle, and I am sure some of you will read that and wonder what is so funny about it. Well, that's why we all say we're crazy. There is a fine line between sane and insane...we know we walk that fine line each day that we wake up and make the decision to NOT drink that day.
Now, I want to share something. I come from a long line of crazy. I come from a long line of strong willed people. I come from a long line of "fixers". I had a conversation with someone today that told me they were praying for me, but there were a couple we know that were not praying for me. I feel like a pariah because I broke the sacred family rule...I acknowledged that I have a problem so that means that there is now no way to unacknowledge the giant pink elephant in the room. Denial is NOT a river in Egypt my friends, but it's something that some people I know live by. If you don't want to pray for me, that's fine. I'm not angry. Please don't be angry at me for having the courage to openly state that I have a disease. I cannot be "fixed" and unless YOU are an alcoholic, then the honest truth is that you will NEVER understand where I am, what I have gone through, what I am going through or what I will continue to battle. That's okay! You don't have to fix me. I'm not broken. I am just sick and fighting a disease that still baffles most.
Intolerance...let's talk about this. I am 11 days sober today. I do not look down my nose on anyone for whatever their circumstances. However; people have intolerance for me right now. They cannot tolerate the fact that I am just being honest. Not brutally so, just truly looking inside me and the demons I have to conquer. If at any point, you "help" someone by tearing them down and making them feel completely inadequate, so that you can feel better about yourself...you are exhibiting intolerance and just downright horrid behavior. If you are an alcoholic and you want to come talk to me, then talk to me like you would anyone else, don't try to tear me down in order to build yourself up and place yourself on a pedestal. When you fall, I will not be there to laugh or point, but I will be on solid footing waiting to hold my hand out to you and help you back up. Because that is what alcoholics do, those of us that are getting help, we reach out to others and talk to them and offer them help that we receive.
I was not one of those who received a visit from some members of AA. I was not a "social" drinker, meaning that I did not go to a bar to drink with others. Oh sure, if I was out with others, I would have some drinks. Most usually I lost count of what all I drank and a couple of times, I drank enough and was "functional" enough that a few of my drinks were on the house. How sad is that? A person can drink enough that would make a normal person pass out and I could pass a sobriety test. I'd blow off the charts though if they had me take a breathalyzer test though...no doubt in my mind...I would have been put in a holding cell to sleep it off. Thank goodness I have a husband who loves me and never once allowed me to go to the bars alone, not that he didn't trust me, but he would make sure I was not bothered while I got plastered. For the most part, I drank at home, alone. I didn't have a bartender to cut me off, because I was my own bartender. Had I gotten one of those visits from members of AA, at the time I would have listened, taken their information, thanked them for coming and then I would have thrown their literature in the garbage. I didn't have a problem. We had family issues that gave me a reason for drinking. I had personal demons that gave me a reason to hide in a bottle. I'd justify my drinking any way I could. Chicken parmesan for dinner? Well, you should have a nice glass of wine with that pasta dish, you know...to help bring out the flavors. Weather forecast predicted a 20% chance of rain...come to find out that Noah probably should have built an Ark for my front yard...I can't go out and do anything in the rain, so I'm gonna stay in and have a drink.
I was of the thought that an alcoholic started drinking before noon. I wasn't an alcoholic. I didn't drink before noon. Heck no. I'd go in and get my glass down, set the whiskey bottle on the counter and when the clock said 12:01, I poured my first drink. I didn't drink BEFORE noon...so I didn't have a problem. Everyone else had a problem. It was 5 o'clock somewhere. Blah, blah, blah. Britney got a good grade. I celebrated with a drink. Britney got in trouble at school. I dealt with it by having a drink. Pat was in a bad mood. I drank his bad mood away. Angry? Have a drink. Happy? Have a drink. Depressed? Drink it away.
My family doesn't understand. One wants to know what is the "root" of the problem. Well, what I am learning is that there is no "root" of the problem that can be "fixed". This is truly a disease and one that can be treated. I will never have a day in my life where I won't be an alcoholic. However; I will eventually have more days that are good than I have days where I am withdrawing. Eventually, I will be able to fully live my life. My days will be replaced with actually living instead of craving a drink and white knuckling through the urge to fix a drink.
However; I made it through another day. With God's grace, I made it through. I want to share this last thing and then I am calling this done. Each meeting is opened with The Serenity Prayer and we end each meeting with The Lord's Prayer. So if there is anyone reading this that thinks you may have a problem with alcohol. I will ask that you attend a local AA meeting. There are no judgements made and even if you don't have a belief in God, that is okay as well. Only when you start working the steps are you asked to recognize God as YOU understand it in your life...essentially, you just need to recognize that there is SOME KIND of higher power that will help you overcome your struggles. We do not recognize any one specific higher power, but my personal belief system is that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and He is my higher power.
Thanks for listening to my babble.
My name is Dee and I am alcoholic.
And that's all I got right now.
Now, I want to share something. I come from a long line of crazy. I come from a long line of strong willed people. I come from a long line of "fixers". I had a conversation with someone today that told me they were praying for me, but there were a couple we know that were not praying for me. I feel like a pariah because I broke the sacred family rule...I acknowledged that I have a problem so that means that there is now no way to unacknowledge the giant pink elephant in the room. Denial is NOT a river in Egypt my friends, but it's something that some people I know live by. If you don't want to pray for me, that's fine. I'm not angry. Please don't be angry at me for having the courage to openly state that I have a disease. I cannot be "fixed" and unless YOU are an alcoholic, then the honest truth is that you will NEVER understand where I am, what I have gone through, what I am going through or what I will continue to battle. That's okay! You don't have to fix me. I'm not broken. I am just sick and fighting a disease that still baffles most.
Intolerance...let's talk about this. I am 11 days sober today. I do not look down my nose on anyone for whatever their circumstances. However; people have intolerance for me right now. They cannot tolerate the fact that I am just being honest. Not brutally so, just truly looking inside me and the demons I have to conquer. If at any point, you "help" someone by tearing them down and making them feel completely inadequate, so that you can feel better about yourself...you are exhibiting intolerance and just downright horrid behavior. If you are an alcoholic and you want to come talk to me, then talk to me like you would anyone else, don't try to tear me down in order to build yourself up and place yourself on a pedestal. When you fall, I will not be there to laugh or point, but I will be on solid footing waiting to hold my hand out to you and help you back up. Because that is what alcoholics do, those of us that are getting help, we reach out to others and talk to them and offer them help that we receive.
I was not one of those who received a visit from some members of AA. I was not a "social" drinker, meaning that I did not go to a bar to drink with others. Oh sure, if I was out with others, I would have some drinks. Most usually I lost count of what all I drank and a couple of times, I drank enough and was "functional" enough that a few of my drinks were on the house. How sad is that? A person can drink enough that would make a normal person pass out and I could pass a sobriety test. I'd blow off the charts though if they had me take a breathalyzer test though...no doubt in my mind...I would have been put in a holding cell to sleep it off. Thank goodness I have a husband who loves me and never once allowed me to go to the bars alone, not that he didn't trust me, but he would make sure I was not bothered while I got plastered. For the most part, I drank at home, alone. I didn't have a bartender to cut me off, because I was my own bartender. Had I gotten one of those visits from members of AA, at the time I would have listened, taken their information, thanked them for coming and then I would have thrown their literature in the garbage. I didn't have a problem. We had family issues that gave me a reason for drinking. I had personal demons that gave me a reason to hide in a bottle. I'd justify my drinking any way I could. Chicken parmesan for dinner? Well, you should have a nice glass of wine with that pasta dish, you know...to help bring out the flavors. Weather forecast predicted a 20% chance of rain...come to find out that Noah probably should have built an Ark for my front yard...I can't go out and do anything in the rain, so I'm gonna stay in and have a drink.
I was of the thought that an alcoholic started drinking before noon. I wasn't an alcoholic. I didn't drink before noon. Heck no. I'd go in and get my glass down, set the whiskey bottle on the counter and when the clock said 12:01, I poured my first drink. I didn't drink BEFORE noon...so I didn't have a problem. Everyone else had a problem. It was 5 o'clock somewhere. Blah, blah, blah. Britney got a good grade. I celebrated with a drink. Britney got in trouble at school. I dealt with it by having a drink. Pat was in a bad mood. I drank his bad mood away. Angry? Have a drink. Happy? Have a drink. Depressed? Drink it away.
My family doesn't understand. One wants to know what is the "root" of the problem. Well, what I am learning is that there is no "root" of the problem that can be "fixed". This is truly a disease and one that can be treated. I will never have a day in my life where I won't be an alcoholic. However; I will eventually have more days that are good than I have days where I am withdrawing. Eventually, I will be able to fully live my life. My days will be replaced with actually living instead of craving a drink and white knuckling through the urge to fix a drink.
However; I made it through another day. With God's grace, I made it through. I want to share this last thing and then I am calling this done. Each meeting is opened with The Serenity Prayer and we end each meeting with The Lord's Prayer. So if there is anyone reading this that thinks you may have a problem with alcohol. I will ask that you attend a local AA meeting. There are no judgements made and even if you don't have a belief in God, that is okay as well. Only when you start working the steps are you asked to recognize God as YOU understand it in your life...essentially, you just need to recognize that there is SOME KIND of higher power that will help you overcome your struggles. We do not recognize any one specific higher power, but my personal belief system is that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and He is my higher power.
Thanks for listening to my babble.
My name is Dee and I am alcoholic.
And that's all I got right now.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
In search of...a post continued from the 23rd
I have no clue as to what I am in search of. I didn't have a single clever idea as to how to title this post. So instead I will just type all the things that come to mind and maybe something will come to me by the end of this.
Ohhhh...that's a nice change of font for me. Sorry. I'm like a child who has ADHD....or a new puppy. *Squirrel*!!!
Today was interesting in the sense that our lovely water department made a boo-boo and when Fed-Ex showed up at our door with a package, we found a lovely notice hanging on our door stating that they had shut our water off for non-payment. Wow. That's interesting. Because I have a confirmation number that says I did pay it. Now, the most frustrating part?? Even though I have the confirmation number that says we paid it, I STILL had to pay the full balance that they showed was past due PLUS a reconnect fee and AFTER they complete their research on the confirmation number will we receive a credit for what was paid...but I am still out that additional charge. So, what is the lesson learned from this? I am going to physically walk in to the office, pay it in person and get a receipt from the clerk that shows DEFINITIVELY that it was paid. Screw me over once, shame on you. Screw me over twice, shame on me.
So, groceries will have to wait for another 7-8 days. We have food that I can stretch to last, it will just deplete the stock pile is all. I'll pick up the basics like milk or bread, but the major shopping will have to wait until next payday. Okay, I am going to pause here because it's time for me to leave and head to the 8 o'clock AA meeting. *Reminder* Alateen for Britney.
Tonight's meeting was a discussion of the 12 Steps. It was interesting. Well, every meeting is interesting. However; I found myself tonight actually connecting familiar faces with names. Maybe over time I'll remember them all, but for now the one or two I remember is okay by me. I purchased The Big Book as well as Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. I hear all these people talk about what is in the big book and I know they aren't talking about the Bible because that is the good book. However; what I have found is that for alcoholics, The Big Book, in a sense IS a bible...it's the alcoholics go to reading material second only to each individuals interpretation of their higher power...because without a belief in a higher power that can restore you, you are essentially doomed to fail. We cannot depend nor can we make a human a higher power...my higher power is God...or my interpretation of God. So, I now have two separate and different "bibles"...one that is The Good Book, that God plants different verses in my head from or makes me see what is plainly in front of me...the other one, the big book, I have yet to open the cover on. It's still early in the day for me...I will open it and read some today.
I may even face a couple of my other fears and pick up the Bible study where I left off at...because it was forcing me to face my human fears and inadequacies...which I ran screaming from. I was not ready for that. I couldn't handle the psychoanalyzation of myself under the microscope of God...or what I thought was the microscope. It was too real. Too much. Too fast. I ran...and drowned myself in whatever way I could. That didn't make me a "bad" person, or a hypocrite, it simply said that I am human...and as humans we err...greatly. My ultimate goal is to become more Christ-"like"...to be accepting of those who do not know Him as their personal savior and to share His love with them, regardless of our differences, disparities or whatever else. I lost sight and ran back to the world where I thought that acceptance would be waiting for me.
What I have found instead is pain, hurt, anger, self loathing and a depth of overwhelming sadness, depression and grief that I have not known in a very long time. I have also learned that my church family, admit they have problems of their own and they reach out where they are accepted and loved and helped, and they have reached out to me with nothing but love and acceptance. I am just mentally still in a place where I feel such overwhelming shame that I cannot take that first step back into my church. I will though. I know I will. I just need to heal a little bit more before heading back.
For the rest of today...I am going to focus on my mental acuity and wellness.
I love you all. Each of you and I thank you.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
It's a bright, bright sun shiney day
Ah ha! You now have that song running through your head now too! He he...at least I am not the only one with songs/words/phrases running on a fast track through my brain. I'm a sharer. And yes, that is a word...otherwise it would have put a little red squiggly line under it for me to see and say it wasn't right. So, I'm good this morning on spelling!
I took my medicines this morning and must say that I feel extremely, extremely calm. Although my brain seems to be running circles around some track inside, my body is not responding to the thought processes. There is a disconnection in there somewhere and I am perfectly fine with that. I can deal with this feeling a lot easier than I can when I feel like I want to jump out of a moving vehicle or claw my skin off because I can't stop tapping or jumping or heck, even just forming a coherent sentence!
Maybe that's why I picked up my blog again. If I type this out, then it forces me to focus on each individual word within the sentence. Okay, I can type almost faster than I can talk, but today the coordination required is making me slow down and pay attention. Plus, you can't hear me stuttering if I am typing something. Because right now, I stutter...a lot.
Of course, right now I have a fly buzzing around my head and it is driving me insane! That little buzz of its wings flapping. Grr! If I can catch this thing sitting down for longer than 1.3 seconds, I am going to kill it. For now, as long as it doesn't land in my coffee, we're okay....for now. I'm watching you little fly and I will get you.
What I would like to do right now is go outside and have a cigarette. Transfer addiction. That's what I have to battle right now as well. I not only have to fight the urge to stop drinking, but I also have to fight the urge to start smoking. Sheesh! No wonder the majority of alcoholics fall off the wagon as many times as we do before we finally get our crap together and truly make it work. I think that is my biggest fear. Hitting a milestone marker and "celebrating" by having a drink. Because the thinking in our minds is that we have been sober for X number of days/months/years, so what will one drink hurt is. One won't have any effect. I am extremely realistic in this journey. I know that at some point, that I will do that exact thinking and I'll trip up.
This is not something that most just casually toss to the side. I wish I could really have you all step inside my head for even just an hour so you could truly understand what goes on inside the brain of an alcoholic. It's not pretty. It doesn't even remotely begin to make any sort of nonsensical sense. It's all a jumble.
And this is where I am right this moment. Because I can't anticipate what will be happening in the next. So, I deal. Sorta.
I took my medicines this morning and must say that I feel extremely, extremely calm. Although my brain seems to be running circles around some track inside, my body is not responding to the thought processes. There is a disconnection in there somewhere and I am perfectly fine with that. I can deal with this feeling a lot easier than I can when I feel like I want to jump out of a moving vehicle or claw my skin off because I can't stop tapping or jumping or heck, even just forming a coherent sentence!
Maybe that's why I picked up my blog again. If I type this out, then it forces me to focus on each individual word within the sentence. Okay, I can type almost faster than I can talk, but today the coordination required is making me slow down and pay attention. Plus, you can't hear me stuttering if I am typing something. Because right now, I stutter...a lot.
Of course, right now I have a fly buzzing around my head and it is driving me insane! That little buzz of its wings flapping. Grr! If I can catch this thing sitting down for longer than 1.3 seconds, I am going to kill it. For now, as long as it doesn't land in my coffee, we're okay....for now. I'm watching you little fly and I will get you.
What I would like to do right now is go outside and have a cigarette. Transfer addiction. That's what I have to battle right now as well. I not only have to fight the urge to stop drinking, but I also have to fight the urge to start smoking. Sheesh! No wonder the majority of alcoholics fall off the wagon as many times as we do before we finally get our crap together and truly make it work. I think that is my biggest fear. Hitting a milestone marker and "celebrating" by having a drink. Because the thinking in our minds is that we have been sober for X number of days/months/years, so what will one drink hurt is. One won't have any effect. I am extremely realistic in this journey. I know that at some point, that I will do that exact thinking and I'll trip up.
This is not something that most just casually toss to the side. I wish I could really have you all step inside my head for even just an hour so you could truly understand what goes on inside the brain of an alcoholic. It's not pretty. It doesn't even remotely begin to make any sort of nonsensical sense. It's all a jumble.
And this is where I am right this moment. Because I can't anticipate what will be happening in the next. So, I deal. Sorta.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Twice in one day is almost unheard of
So, my doctor called me back. Not one of the nurses, but my actual doctor, Dr. Victorica. I'm glad he called when he did because I was almost manic and he could hear it in my voice. This was not something that I was just saying was happening, but he could physically hear the difference in my speech and tone. He assured me that what I am experiencing is withdrawal and that we can treat this by detoxing my body. He will follow up with me tomorrow, I am to be in his office the following day and every day, if needed, to make sure I survive the detox period.
He stressed the absolute necessity to not even take a sip of alcohol with the medication that he is prescribing for the detox because it would truly be fatal. I'm not looking to die. If I was, I would have simply continued on the path I was on with the drinking. Because trust me, I was well on my way to an early grave. The only thought that I have been able to come up with on why I was drinking so very much, is that subconsciously I did want to die. When in reality, I do not. I love my husband and my children, so very much. I just lost the ability to deal with the amount of pain that I was physically in and then try to deal with the amount of stress from our everyday lives. It isn't an excuse, but it was my justification.
I can justify just about anything if I truly want it or think I need it. It isn't hard to find those reasons. Rationalization. Justification. "Stinkin' Thinkin'". Nice term, huh. Stinkin' thinkin'...but it's true. An alcoholic needs no other reason to drink other than whatever we come up with in our minds. We are our own worst enemy, in every sense of the word.
You know something? I have spent the majority of today in a truly manic state. Fidgety, itchy, jumpy, stuttering, unable to form a complete sentence that made sense unless I stopped to think about and then form each individual word in my head and then speak it slowly and with clear intentions to get across what I was trying to say. Tapping. My fingers, my hands, my feet....tap, tap, tap. I feel like my brain is starting to slow down a little, so maybe the medicine is slowly taking effect.
I am going to very clear and state that I don't expect miracles. I know God is in the business of miracles, but I don't expect one for myself. I know full well that this is going to be a long, slow process of a lot of ups and downs. Hopefully the ups will eventually outweigh the downs, but for now...this is my life.
Scattered. Shattered. Broken. In a healing process.
Life = Temporarily Interrupted.
He stressed the absolute necessity to not even take a sip of alcohol with the medication that he is prescribing for the detox because it would truly be fatal. I'm not looking to die. If I was, I would have simply continued on the path I was on with the drinking. Because trust me, I was well on my way to an early grave. The only thought that I have been able to come up with on why I was drinking so very much, is that subconsciously I did want to die. When in reality, I do not. I love my husband and my children, so very much. I just lost the ability to deal with the amount of pain that I was physically in and then try to deal with the amount of stress from our everyday lives. It isn't an excuse, but it was my justification.
I can justify just about anything if I truly want it or think I need it. It isn't hard to find those reasons. Rationalization. Justification. "Stinkin' Thinkin'". Nice term, huh. Stinkin' thinkin'...but it's true. An alcoholic needs no other reason to drink other than whatever we come up with in our minds. We are our own worst enemy, in every sense of the word.
You know something? I have spent the majority of today in a truly manic state. Fidgety, itchy, jumpy, stuttering, unable to form a complete sentence that made sense unless I stopped to think about and then form each individual word in my head and then speak it slowly and with clear intentions to get across what I was trying to say. Tapping. My fingers, my hands, my feet....tap, tap, tap. I feel like my brain is starting to slow down a little, so maybe the medicine is slowly taking effect.
I am going to very clear and state that I don't expect miracles. I know God is in the business of miracles, but I don't expect one for myself. I know full well that this is going to be a long, slow process of a lot of ups and downs. Hopefully the ups will eventually outweigh the downs, but for now...this is my life.
Scattered. Shattered. Broken. In a healing process.
Life = Temporarily Interrupted.
This is hard
I've been writing in an actual journal, so I have neglected this site. Maybe I can do this in both places. I am now 7 days sober. 7 days. One week. It doesn't sound like a long time, but let me tell you, this has been some of the longest 7 days in.my.life. Now the withdrawal has started and at first it was just a headache and I thought that if that was all I got, then I was truly lucky. *Buzzer sound* WRONG! That headache was just the beginning!
Now, I still have the headache, but I also have tremors, shakes, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, racing thoughts, jitters, nervous, racing speech, hallucinations and severe mood swings. Happy is not one of those moods though. No. Fear, anxiety and sadness seem to rule my days. And the urge to drink? Holy cow! Come 10 o'clock at night, I could literally claw my skin off because my body is screaming for a drink!
I stood in the dining room last night wringing my hands, tapping my foot and crying. Saying to Pat that I don't remember doing this when I was a teen and in a treatment facility. I literally paced and cried, paced and cried...with an all consuming thought that all I needed to do was just have ONE drink. Just one. That's all I needed.
I did NOT have that drink. Instead, I called some friends and talked to them. One of them until about 4 o'clock this morning. I feel like such a jerk right now. I have always been the one that my friends turned to for advice or for a shoulder to cry on. Now the tables are turned and I am having to lean on them, because I am so weak right now.
All I want, all I can think about, the only consuming thoughts...
I want a drink.
The other thought? Something that someone said at AA.
"It wasn't the 13th drink that got me drunk. It wasn't the 8th or 9th drink that got me drunk. It was that FIRST drink." Or this one, "I know I have another drink in me. I don't know that I have another recovery in me."
I don't have the luxury of just having ONE drink. One to me leads to an entire bottle. Then remorse. Guilt. Shame. And to think...I meant it every.single.time I said that I wouldn't drink again. This time, I haven't said I won't drink again.
I said..."Something has to change."
Now, I still have the headache, but I also have tremors, shakes, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, racing thoughts, jitters, nervous, racing speech, hallucinations and severe mood swings. Happy is not one of those moods though. No. Fear, anxiety and sadness seem to rule my days. And the urge to drink? Holy cow! Come 10 o'clock at night, I could literally claw my skin off because my body is screaming for a drink!
I stood in the dining room last night wringing my hands, tapping my foot and crying. Saying to Pat that I don't remember doing this when I was a teen and in a treatment facility. I literally paced and cried, paced and cried...with an all consuming thought that all I needed to do was just have ONE drink. Just one. That's all I needed.
I did NOT have that drink. Instead, I called some friends and talked to them. One of them until about 4 o'clock this morning. I feel like such a jerk right now. I have always been the one that my friends turned to for advice or for a shoulder to cry on. Now the tables are turned and I am having to lean on them, because I am so weak right now.
All I want, all I can think about, the only consuming thoughts...
I want a drink.
The other thought? Something that someone said at AA.
"It wasn't the 13th drink that got me drunk. It wasn't the 8th or 9th drink that got me drunk. It was that FIRST drink." Or this one, "I know I have another drink in me. I don't know that I have another recovery in me."
I don't have the luxury of just having ONE drink. One to me leads to an entire bottle. Then remorse. Guilt. Shame. And to think...I meant it every.single.time I said that I wouldn't drink again. This time, I haven't said I won't drink again.
I said..."Something has to change."
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