The dreaded "D" word

Depression: noun - severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.

I discussed suicide a few days ago and today I am going to tackle depression.

I've seen a lot of things the last few days talking about different things, but this is the one topic that keeps showing up. I am taking this as a sign to open up and talk about this with you all. Again, I am not a professional, just a person who suffers from this.

This is not something that one can generally just "get over" or just decide to get happy. True depression has nothing to do with happiness. It has to do with our inability to be happy when everything else in our lives are going really well. If it was something as simple as just making ourselves happy then we'd gladly do so. 

I have battled depression for over 20 years now. I am now defined as being clinically depressed. My brain does not make enough of some chemical so I take medication to help replace some of it. Even on medication though, I battle most days to just get out of bed. It's a pretty good day if I shower or remember to brush my teeth. I don't even leave the house 95% of the time. I don't want to interact with people and I just prefer to be left alone.

I'm in the process of being evaluated for Bi-Polar disorder. Why? Because I was honest with my psychiatrist and told him about going from high to low quite suddenly and not really for any reason at all. I'm struggling with impulse control. I sometimes go days on end being angry and I have no idea why. I'm not angry with anyone or over anything, but I am just angry. I will suddenly start crying for absolutely no reason and then I get depressed because I'm crying and then I get angry because I'm depressed over crying. It's a vicious, vicious cycle. One that I don't even understand.

I'd love to be able to say that the reason I am depressed is because of whatever. I can't. The only downside to my life right now is just the fact that Pat is overseas. I've gotten so used to him being gone that I don't know how to act when he's home. Which is sad, in and of itself.

I welcome this opportunity to open myself up to you all. If you have any questions please feel free to talk to me. In fact, feel free to talk to anyone about this. If you think you may be suffering or battling depression, please talk to your health care provider. There is a wealth of information out there. You just have to be willing to admit you need help.

9/11 - 12 years later...

There will be a lot of posts where people talk about where they were and how they remember hearing or seeing everything from that morning in 2001. I'm not going to talk about where I was or what I was doing. I've talked about it previously. 

For those of you just joining my blog - a quick recap:
I was in college.
I dropped my children off at daycare.
I walked into my office and found it full of professors gaping at the TV.
I saw the towers fall.

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Back to what I am going to say today. 

There have been moments in my life where I have truly been moved by the American spirit. There have also been moments in my life where I am almost ashamed to say I am American. The way I have witnessed my fellow American's harbor ill-will and contempt for people of a certain religion is extremely reminiscent of a 1930's German dictator and his "desire" to eradicate people of a certain religion as well. Have we not learned anything? A religion alone does not make a person good or bad. Yet, people still think that way.

I cannot and will not stand behind a statement that makes it seem as if one group is better than another. This picture floating around right now with the bikers about to descend upon DC to "confront" the Muslims is absolutely infuriating me. The moment the word confront is used, it makes it seem as if they are going with premeditated intent to harm. I sincerely hope not. Truly, I hope nothing comes of it. 

There is not a single day that goes by where I don't spend some portion of it reflecting upon the events of the day and even reliving moments in my life trying to glean some portion of enlightenment. Today I am reflecting upon my years spent in the fire service.

I spent 7 years of my life as a FF/EMT and my only regret is not spending more time with it. Alas, my children needed their momma and I needed to raise my daughters. I am still raising one of them. Nothing made me more proud than to watch my brothers run into those buildings. Then, nothing broke my heart more than watching 343 of my brothers die before my eyes. 

I have spent a good portion in the trenches of the fire service. Just like everyone else, I started from the bottom and worked my way up. I endured the same training as my brothers. I wore the same gear. I learned how to get my BA on and hooked up correctly (which you have to do while the tank is on your back hanging upside down) which is difficult to do in the best of conditions, much less when you are under pressure. I've hiked I don't know how many miles in brush gear with a flapper, a rake or a leaf blower fighting brush fires and a couple forest fires where we were accompanied by the forestry division. I've climbed on top of homes, cut ventilation openings and been on entry teams inside a burning building. Oh, I am certain that I have seen the Devil in person, dancing in those flames. 

I have smelled burnt flesh. I have seen dead bodies. I have scraped brain mater off of roadways. I have performed CPR. I have transported injured children and cried many times after every single one. I have lost patients...young and old...mothers, fathers, daughters, brothers, sisters, sons, grandparents and those who had no family. I have become jaded in so many areas of life. Yet, I still have hope. I have witnessed humanity in it's most base form and that is what gives me hope.

The day I watched 343 of my brothers die, I also got to see hope. Hope that there would be some survivors. Hope that the phone would ring. Hope that the American spirit would prevail. And it did. I watched the selflessness of thousands as they helped in whatever way they could. Going for days and weeks on end with little sleep, little food and carrying nothing but hope. 

I have hope. I hope that one day we won't judge people based on their clothing, their religious choice or their general appearance. I hope that we as a people can understand that our differences are what make us unique. I am not better than my neighbor and neither is someone in another country better than I. Just because someone speaks a different language does not make them a threat, no more than being a Baptist makes me one. 

I am sure that there will be those that read this and disagree with a few things. Good. Because the one thing I have learned and that I have taught my daughters is to stand up for what you believe. Hold strong in your conviction. If you get persecuted for your thoughts or words...GOOD...it means you believed in something enough to stand up for it...don't be a sheep and get eaten by the wolves of this world. 

Lessons in humanity and humility.

Some days I catch myself forgetting that my youngest child is only 14 and therefore does not quite understand why I say or allow certain things to be said or done. I'm trying to teach her all the things that will make her look at the world in every possible different way. Trying to show her that just because she may see something as good or bad does not mean that all of it is either of those things. For instance, a few have shared some things I have written and she sees this as intruding upon my thoughts that I shared with friends. I'm having to explain to her that I don't mind and that if someone is sharing something that I wrote down and it shows that these are my own thoughts, that it isn't a bad thing, and it may very well open up a discussion among people and inadvertently help another person. These are good things.

I'm not quite sure that she completely understands my thinking process, but hopefully as time goes on, she will eventually get there. I am not naive enough to believe that because I explain something to her means that she will understand it or even give it a second thought. She has her own mind and her own thoughts and I enjoy listening to her. Granted, at times she will say or do things that make me sigh or laugh, but I'm glad that she is saying them so if it needs correction we can address that. This is where the lesson in humility comes in. Showing her that we all make mistakes and that it's okay. To show her that we need to own those same mistakes and take the lesson with us and then move forward. She can apply that same process to everything from school to friends to life in general. 

I wish I could take all the mistakes that I have learned from and implant them into her head. Sadly, I cannot, but it doesn't mean that I don't share the wisdom learned from it. I can only hope that she listens and applies it to her own life. 

As for the lesson in humanity, there isn't much there for me to correct, she is the kind of person that wants to help those in need and do what she can for them. There are a lot of times that I take a lesson from her. She has this way of knowing if something is wrong with someone or coming up with ideas to help others in unconventional ways. For her 14th birthday she made up bags with basic necessities to pass out to the homeless. I don't know about you, but when I was 14, it never crossed my mind to help someone else instead of focusing on whatever I wanted. This is the type of person I have raised and she makes me so very proud. She is carrying that sense of humanity into everything that she does and it shows. Her ultimate goal in life is to be a Pediatric Oncologist...she wants to help children with cancer and help their families. I am sure that she is going to make a very big impact on people throughout the course of her life.

When our children are born, we have dreams for them, but ultimately we just want the very best for them. We don't want them to walk in our path, but to walk beside us and go so much farther than we ever did. Giving them the tools that they will need so they can succeed and then pass on to their own children, should they decide to have them. The same lessons we took from our parents and them from their parents, so on and so forth, we want them to hold those lessons close to their heart and remember them as they grow and age. 

So many times we look at today's youth and we question what kind of lessons they are being taught. We make comments about how we would not have dared talk to our parents that way. What we forget is that not everyone grew up the way you did, some have grown up worse and some better. We, as a society, have forgotten that saying, "It takes a village to raise a child." We really do have to be the change we want to see. We need to set the example. Then watch as our own children go out and they live their lives how we have taught them and other children see that. We are all guilty of giving our children things they want but haven't earned. I know I'm guilty of it. We simply have to remember that we are here to be positive influences in others lives. You may not see what a difference you can make in a child's life until many years later, but rest assured that something you said or did stuck with them and they will remember it. 

Now, do something positive today and smile.

Let's have a serious discussion about a taboo subject

Suicide:

The act of killing oneself intentionally. - Noun

September is Suicide Prevention Month and there are a lot of discussions and topics being thrown around lately. How to talk to someone you love about it. The warning signs. What you should and should not do.

These are all great things and they have well meaning intentions behind them. I want to speak about being on the opposite side; the side where you WANT to die. I want to talk about it from that perspective because I know that side. Unfortunately, I know the other side as well. 

I cannot begin to count the number of people that I have personally known and cared for that took their lives. I also cannot tell you what was going on in their heads that made them think that the situation would not (eventually) work out. I CAN tell you what it's like to be stuck in a situation that you truly cannot see past. I, for one, am not ashamed to talk about these things. My thinking is that if I talk about my experiences then maybe it will help someone out there. I may be incorrect, but I would bet that I'm not. 

I know this is a hard topic. I'm having trouble thinking how to word my thoughts and the things I want to say. This particular topic hit home a few years ago for my husband. I still remember a friend asking me to tell him what had happened with the hope that maybe, just MAYBE, the blow would be a little softer if it came from me. It wasn't. I assure you of that. There is no easy way to tell someone you love, that someone they love, has taken their life. There is a lot of anger that comes from the person you have to tell and a lot of concern coming from the person who told them. To this day, I watch my husband struggle with the anger they have. Anger over the situation, anger with the person who did it and then anger just because they don't know who to be angry at or with.

Being the person that has been there, I can say definitively, that it isn't just one thing going on. No, there are multiple situations happening and you get so overwhelmed, that you cannot tell up from down. It feels like you are drowning. You cannot see a way out of the situation and you don't trust anyone enough to tell them EVERYTHING happening. This is where I think our friend was. They wouldn't tell one person everything going on so they could see the big picture. You simply tell one friend about one situation. Another friend gets the other situation. Yet another friend gets another issue. You make sure that the friends you tell these things to do not know each other and therefore; no one gets a clear picture of where you are in life at that moment. You don't even utter the word "suicide" to anyone...ever. You reach a point where the inevitable happens, at least for them. Maybe you leave a note, maybe you don't. Maybe you make one last phone call saying that you love whoever, maybe you don't. There are a LOT of maybe's and what if's. 

This is where people struggle. They question every last thing. Every word said, every conversation, every breath they took while talking to whomever. Questions left over are never answered. Assumptions are made and then unmade. It's a vicious cycle. 

Professionals will tell you that there are warning signs. Things may be said or done that is out of character for the person. Yeah, well...let me tell you this...those things are not always true. If you think something is "off" with your friend, talk to them. If you have a gut feeling, go with it! I'm not a professional by any means. I'm just someone who has been on both sides of the token.

In a nutshell, BE A FRIEND.

Talk to them.

Visit them.

Make TIME for them.

Don't blow off their problems as minor or petty. 

Pay attention to their words and their actions.

Have they stopped taking care of themselves? TALK TO THEM.

Have they talked about how they can't see past an issue? TALK TO THEM.

Are they reaching out more than usual? TALK TO THEM.

Tell them how much they mean to you/family.

Tell them what a friend they are to you.

Above all...

Mean everything you say and TALK TO THEM.

You may stop something from happening that you didn't realize was going through their head. 

You also may not stop it either. 

Talk to your friends and loved ones. Keep this topic open and let everyone you love know that they CAN always talk to you, without judgement and you will help in whatever way you can. 

You learn something new every day

Here we are, cruising towards the middle of September, and the only thought I have is that this has been a really long year. In fact, I have made the comment several times, that this year and half of next year can come and go quickly. Why? Because that is when I will be able to live with my husband again. Yes, yes, we have had this discussion before, so I won't hash it out again.

Tonight I made a comment and then almost immediately said, "Oh man! I never thought I would say something like that!" Britney and I went earlier and visited the nail salon where I got a mani/pedi. I was looking at my feet and commented that my feet feel better because I felt naked without polish on them. I was being a "girl", as my husband would say. Yes, every now and then I will allow the girl in me to come out. For instance, shoes. I can go nuts over shoes! After re-reading this paragraph it has become clear to me that I have a foot fetish of sorts.

I can't make myself type any more after the words foot and fetish were in the same sentence in reference to me.

It's now Sunday morning. I was so tired last night that I just saved this document and now I am progressing. Sorta.

I have my coffee in hand, my e-cig next to me, the dogs are napping and the house is quiet. You would think this would make me content. For the most part it does, but if I stop and just be still then my brain is running at a thousand miles a minute. There is no rest for my brain even in my sleep. I don't know why I expect that there would be rest while I am awake. Who knows, maybe I do have adult ADHD. Or maybe I'm just ... uh...the phone rang and now I forgot what I was going to say. I think I just proved my own point albeit unintentionally.

Now I can't remember anything about what I had planned on talking about. If this is what getting older is like then I want to stop. Plus, I found a new grey hair this morning. Sure, sure...it looks blonde against the red, but it so is NOT blonde. Sigh.

Let's recap the new things I learned:
I like having pedicures to make my feet pretty.
I have a shoe fetish.
Adult ADHD.
I can't...no, I already knew that...never mind.
Grey hair = not happy.

Maybe later I'll blog something else. I'm sure I will hear or see something today that will get me back up on my soap box.