The Desire Chip

I picked up another desire chip tonight after our meeting. Not because I was necessarily making an outward sign to try to not drink for 24 hours, but because a certain dog in my house decided that my first desire chip was well...desirable. I try to carry this chip in my pocket at all times so that when I get a little itchy or nervous or shaky, I have a physical reminder that I can reach in and touch that reminds me of my sincere desire to remain sober. It is my physical reminder that I only have to not drink for 24 hours...every day. I am counting down the days now to when I can get my 30 day sobriety chip! It's numbers and I have an obsession with numbers. 16 days sober = 14 days until I am 30 days sober and I can celebrate that accomplishment! 

I've also finally figured out the equation to reviving my metabolism and getting the weight I have gained to come back off. Although I feel like I am a yo-yo right now. Lose 7 pounds, bust the knee up a little, take a week off and somehow manage to gain 10 pounds. Get back in the gym after a week off, I've gone three days this week and when I weighed at the Allergists office this morning, I was down 3 pounds from a week ago. All of a sudden, I had this epiphany. Hmmm...go to the gym, every day, work out doing both cardio and some minor weight training, concentrating on strengthening the knee, working on building some upper body strength, get back into Yoga a few times a week and drink a crap load of water = weight loss. Will power. Transfer addiction. 

Oh, transfer addiction. Let's talk about that for a little bit. They warn you before having weight loss surgery that at SOME point we are going to have transfer addiction, because essentially, while some truly had medical conditions that contributed to their obesity, it still boiled down to the fact that we were ALL addicted to food. Great. I thought I could be that one that did everything right. Then I started smoking. Then I started drinking, slowly. Then I quit smoking. I couldn't eat a lot, but by gosh I could drink like a fish. It's a slippery slope. Now that I am battling the alcohol addiction. I went back to smoking. Just a couple at home, outside, during the day and then roughly 5 during A.A. meetings. I was honest with the allergist today when he asked if I smoked and then I proceeded to be even more honest about my alcohol addiction and that I am in the midst of battling that. I told him that I know this is transfer addiction, but that when I get to the point that I can truly handle not being an addict of any sort, then there are medications that can help me stop smoking. He surprised me with what he said after that. He said, "I am not going to come down on you for smoking. You are battling addiction, a serious disease, and you know the ramifications. You are also aware that you have simply transferred one for another and you also know that you CAN stop that as well. Take your addictions and battle them one at a time. When you are sober for a time, and you decide you no longer wish to smoke, then I truly believe that you will seek that help in doing so." What? I had a doctor NOT fussing because I was smoking? Isn't that in their handbook somewhere to counsel people about this? Hey...then I realized that he understood that I am truly working at this. So, we're going to work on the allergies that Texas is sharing with me in spades! 

I'm not real sure where I am going from here, but I do know that somewhere in all this obscurity, there is some kind of meaning. I don't know, maybe it's just rambling. Oh yes...my point was the desire chip. Which I addressed already. Okay. 

Oh, something funny to share. Bailee has decided that their continuous water feeder bowl in the kitchen is her personal pool. She has apparently flooded the kitchen three times today. I find it amazing that she has ONLY done this when I am not at home. I'm not sure if she knows she can get away with that behavior while I am gone or if she has just decided that she didn't want to go outside and play in their pool. Either way, it's not acceptable, had I been here she would have been punished. Apparently my husband and my daughter do not have the ability to punish the puppy, because she is "just a puppy." 

Oh, we did go to the gym again today. Wait, did I talk about this already? Okay, so I talked about my equation, but not about us going today. Ah ha! Pat, Brit and I all went today. Pat did about 20 minutes on the treadmill switching his run between 4.5 mph and 6 mph at 0 incline. Brit did 20 minutes at the cardio level 1 and then did a manual setting and ran at 6.5 mph for 10 minutes. I was SO proud of her! Then she worked on her inner and outer thighs doing 50 pounds of weight and 3 sets of 15. Then over to the upper body machine where she did just a couple push ups, but hey it was more than I can do. She ended on the glute machine pushing 50 pounds doing 3 sets of 10 on each leg. I can't tell you what all Pat did...I was concentrating on my own workout. Thighs, glutes, abs, cardio, and ending with upper body. Needless to say, we'd been there an hour and a half before we realized it. I left with my shirt soaked in sweat. 

So what better way to go to H-E-B? It's not like I was going to Wal-Mart where we needed to get dressed up....LOL. Sorry...personal joke there. We went in, soaked in sweat, with probably a little musky smell to us and picked up some salad stuff, lemon packets for my tea and I was able to find some yogurt that I can have that is lactose free and relatively low in sugar. At which point, we came home, I made hamburgers, Pat grilled them and we had a salad. I was able to shower, while my legs screamed and ached, but got dressed and made it to the 8:00 meeting! 

I love these meetings. Open, honest, and the best thing...NO JUDGEMENTS! You are welcomed with open arms regardless of where you are in your journey. New, old, somewhere in the middle...we're all in the same boat. The only thing I didn't do today was attempt to find a sponsor. I am going to put that in God's hands and let his will be done. I will get a sponsor when it's time and not a moment sooner. 

For now. I am alive. I am breathing. I am blessed.

La la la...

This is how I feel tonight. It's not a bad feeling and not a great feeling, but it is nice to just feel a little more like myself. I am not craving the alcohol. I am not shaking nearly as bad. The withdrawal process is coming to an end, slowly but oh so surely. I have already done Step One, from the book Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. 
Step One - "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable."
Who cares to admit complete defeat? Admission of powerlessness is the first step in liberation. Relation of humility to sobriety. Mental obsession plus physical allergy. Why must every A.A. hit bottom?

I have not gotten a sponsor yet, so right now, this is as far as I have gotten in my Twelve Steps. Simply admitting to the fact that I had become powerless over anything was difficult. I am not a weak person. I am not an extremely dependent person. I put my mind to do something and neither hell nor high water shall keep me from at least attempting to gain whatever it is that I decide I want. It never dawned on me that my wanting a drink was more than just me wanting a drink. I was stressed, depressed, angry...whatever. It took a seemingly harmless conversation with my husband one morning, where he said something and I honestly looked at him like he had sprouted an alien head from his shoulders. My question was quite simple and his answer was, "wow, well that makes me feel rotten." Meaningless, seemingly simple conversation...and I had ZERO recall of any of it. It was the next day that I became blatantly honest with my doctor and we started the ball rolling. 


I now go to nightly A.A. meetings, not because I am court ordered, not because I have a probation or parole officer, or a judge "suggesting" that I attend these meetings. I attend the meetings because I need to know that I am not alone in my journey. I was in my fifth meeting when I first shared and started off just like everyone else with the typical, "My name is Dee and I am an alcoholic." It was then that I first heard myself say that I had not had a drink in however many days at that point, but I was just then admitting that I was completely, utterly powerless over alcohol, and my life had become truly unmanageable...because of my OWN doing. 


Next up, 
Step Two - "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
What can we believe in? A.A. does not demand belief; Twelve Steps are only suggestions. Importance of an open mind. Variety of ways to faith. Substitution of A.A. as Higher Power. Plight of the disillusioned. Roadblocks of indifference and prejudice. Lost faith found in A.A. Problems of intellectuality and self-sufficiency. Negative and positive thinking. Self-righteousness. Defiance is an outstanding characteristic of alcoholics. Step Two is a rallying point to sanity. Right relation to God.

This is the step I am currently working on. I recognize God as my higher power, but I struggle with the fact that I have to release the control of my own will and give it to Him. I am human. I err. I get confused and I like having control. While I believe in my God...I am not at the point that I can truly believe that He can honestly and rightly return me to sanity. While I believe He is carrying me fully and completely right now in my journey...I feel like I am failing by not fully trusting Him to return me to my sanity. 


Once again, I will get there. I really wish I had a sponsor to talk to about these feelings. Maybe that should be my next step. I need to find a sponsor. That will be on my to-do list tomorrow. Start making phone calls and see where God is going to lead me. My prayers have been almost non-existent and that is my own fault. I've been driven to my knees and I failed to remember that I have been in the perfect position to pray. Now, to remember who is my Redeemer, my Deliverer and who is not going to leave me and will always, ALWAYS welcome me back with open arms and I know that His love is completely without strings and unconditional. 


So, tonight. I want to just thank God, for all the small things He does for me everyday that I have become completely blind to in my self-centeredness.
 

Memorial Day 2012

Memorial Day - The day we set aside to honor those who have selflessly served our country and fought for the freedoms we have today. 

Most people use this three day weekend to gather with family and friends to celebrate the fact that they have a three day weekend. There are Bar-B-Ques, gatherings, drinks, laughter and camaraderie . Some look at this weekend as the beginning of summer. Then there are those that remember and honor this holiday as it should be. For our family and countless others, we have a friend that we miss, that is no longer with us and he served his country and loved doing it. Unfortunately, there were some toxic things in his life that wound up taking his life from us all. I do not let those things diminish the great times he had with his friends and they do not tarnish the few times I had with him as well, because at his core, he was a good man. Just a lost one who didn't know where to make the correct turns. 


I know this post is a little out of place in the scheme of things. That is because I have spent the better part of two days trying to figure out exactly what I wanted to say. I still don't really know, so instead I am just letting things flow out as they enter my mind. Call it thoughtless writing or whatever. I am going to call this allowing the spirit within run free, without restraint.


My thought processes are still a little unorganized, so bear with me. I am working on me right now. This weekend though gave me a lot of time to stop and reevaluate some things in my life. Caused me to focus on the things and people that matter. My family. My friends. My loved ones that I have lost. Most importantly, it truly gave me pause while standing at our friends grave and turning a full 380 degrees and seeing nothing but row upon row of small American flags lovingly placed at each and every single grave...at each and every single person who gave their lives so that I could freely stand and gaze upon their head stones. Young men and women. Old men and women. Wives buried with their husbands who faithfully served, knowing that those wives served just as their husbands did simply in a different capacity. The hardest ones for me to see? The children. The babies. My heart ached as I watched a soldier and his wife visit the site of their beloved child, to watch this soldier stand at attention and salute his son, who only knew his parents for such a short time, but his parents will never forget him. To watch this soldier bend on one knee and lovingly stroke the headstone allowing his tears to flow freely, without shame, to bend down further and kiss the headstone, while the wife simply sat on her knees with her head bowed, shoulders slumped and tissues in hand. I could not begin to fathom the pain and I did not dare approach to offer my sympathies. This was their moment, their time with their son, their son who was honored just like every other soldier surrounding him. 


We forget just how much we take for granted. We forget, even I at times, forget what my husband and our friends sacrifice for us. Without ever asking for recognition or thanks. To them, this is their Duty, their Honor, they do it without pridefullness, but they have so much Pride in our country. I've heard the saying, never leave a man behind, and they mean that! In my personal life right now, I am battling demons so great that I am being torn apart bit by bit, and I watch  my husband apply the principles and dedication he has ingrained in him from his service, and it doesn't matter how bad it gets...he NEVER leaves me behind. Never. I love him all the more for that. 


My husband serves, therefore our family serves, but we are not recognized for the sacrifices we make for our country. We are the silent ranks. Well, some of us are silent and some of us are not. I'm not sure where I fall in that category at this point. All I know is that to each of my friends that are serving, have currently served, or you are part of the silent ranks...to each of you...I salute you. 


For those that have gone on before us. Rest assured that while you may be gone, you are most definitely not forgotten. And one day, we will see you again and can rejoice together.

14 Days!

Celebrate the small victories, don't worry about what tomorrow may be, and thank God for the fact that He gave you today to live. Right now, that is how I am having to live my life. Celebrating the small victories. 

I am 14 days sober today. 14 days. Two weeks. I am so close to my half way point to my 30 day sober chip and I want to jump up and down and clap! I haven't had an urge to take a drink in three days now. I'm still dealing with some residual withdrawal symptoms. Mainly shaking and stuttering, but mentally I am in a much better place. Oh, I forgot the sweats. Yeah, I sweat...for sure. Worse than any hot flash ever hit me. My body is finally filtering out the toxins I ingested. Yay!

We went to the gym today to workout. Pat, Brit and I. It was like pulling teeth to get Brit to go, but she did go and that is all that really matters. We got her out of the house, away from the television and made her physically move her body. I am going to go talk to my Yoga instructor and see if there is something we can work out temporarily payment wise so that I can continue to do that because it was seriously helping. Brit also wants to try Zumba, so maybe her and I can plan on just doing one drop in class at some point and try it, see if we like it and then we can go from there. I did okay with my knee today at the gym without the brace, but I paid for it later with residual deep pain and ache in the middle of my knee. I did no jogging though! Tomorrow, I'll start out with a 15 minute cardio warm up and then spend more time concentrating on strength training and then I'll finish off with 15 minutes on the stationary bike. I won't be alone though, I will be meeting a couple of the women in my group there so we can work out together. Afterwards, we'll shower at the gym and then head over to our meeting. 

I also learned tonight that I can bring my dogs to the meetings! I was so excited because it means I can take Tiberius with me from time to time. It will give him some alone time with just momma and away from his brother and sister, who seem to be getting on his nerves a little bit lately. Anyway...how awesome is it that you can bring your dog to an A.A. meeting??? 

Okay, for now, I am a little tired. My medicine is starting to kick in and I am going to have a small snack, some tea and then call it a night. 

 Good night and God bless you all!

So far, it is a nice relaxed Sunday

I woke up a little later than I normally do, but not quite as late as I did yesterday, so that is an improvement. Unfortunately I still woke up with the shakes. I'm told that will eventually stop. I'd like it to stop rather quickly, but my body is having to recover from the abuse that it suffered from my own person. I'm still not feeling quite at a point where I am comfortable back in church, but I know that I will get to the time when I will feel safer going there. I already feel enough shame when my immediate family has to watch me shake, tremor and stutter profusely and the people in my nightly group have all been there themselves, so it's nothing new to them. What I don't want to happen is to be sitting in church and have a spell and then a very well intentioned member try to comfort me and say the right things. This is not something that a person can be comforted through and there are no right things to say. So, for now...I will continue my detox process at home or at my meetings. 

I'm actually really excited today. Today we are going to meet a woman that I have been talking to on facebook for a while now who lives in south Austin and we are just outside of north Austin. It took us some planning and configurations but we FINALLY nailed down a date. So our families are going to meet, cook out burgers and dogs, beans, watermelon and I am going to make her a butterscotch pecan pie that I am going to make her take home with her. It's good, but it's really rich and it's made with actual Scotch. Sure, it essentially cooks out, but I can still taste it and I look at that as breaking my streak. Why? Because today is 12 days and I am finally starting to come out of the major withdrawals. So, why start all over???

No. Thank you. 

Pat took the dogs to the doggie park today for a little bit. I stayed behind because it's just too hot outside for me to be out there. I sweat enough as it is...lol. For now though, I am going to run to Target and pick up a few things before Shannon and her family get here. That should give me enough time to get beans and the pecan pie made.  

Okay, so I wound up baking the pie and fixing the beans while Larry and Pat, mainly Larry, fixed the kabobs...Pat was there for great moral support...lol. I sent the butterscotch pecan pie home with Shannon and her family and from what I understand, she is thoroughly enjoying it. Larry was in shock and thrilled when I informed him that not only were they taking the pie, they were also going home with the bottle of Scotch used in the making of said pie. Apparently the Scotch I used for baking was his favorite. Excellent! I got rid of a bottle of alcohol and it's going to a home where it will be lovingly cared for...LOL

I cannot tell you the amount of laughs we had with this family. Our kids all got along, very well, and all of us adults laughed a lot and I laughed harder than I have in a long, long time tonight. It is very safe to say that we have new friends and just personally speaking, I am beyond thrilled! Pat and Larry have a lot of things that they enjoy and can talk about. Shannon and I are basically cut from the same cloth. And apparently, we will be having a Monty Python get together soon. Ummm. I cannot tell you just how much I am looking forward to that...lol. I don't get the whole Monty Python thing. I'm more of a Rocky Horror kind of girl myself, but I don't knock what they enjoy. It's hilarious...even if I don't completely understand it. My husband enjoys it and that is all that matters. 

I did not attend AA tonight. Am I sad? Absolutely not. I had too good of a time at home to want to go to the meeting. I am not under court orders to attend and I firmly believe that God truly had a hand in tonight for me. He knows our greatest needs and He provides for what we need, when we need it. I needed to laugh, to smile, to relax and just let my walls down for a little bit. 

Thank you to Shannon, Larry, their children, my husband and my daughter...for everything tonight. For the laughs. For the shared sarcasm. For everyone just being themselves. I will never be able to thank you all for the things you provided for me tonight.