Intolerance, anger, family and the urge to "understand" or "fix" me

I spent this evening at my meeting with my fellow crazies, otherwise known as my fellow alcoholics, and we each own that. We each took different paths to get there, but the important thing is that we got there. Some of them say that "The state of Texas 'suggested' I come to AA" and we all chuckle, and I am sure some of you will read that and wonder what is so funny about it. Well, that's why we all say we're crazy. There is a fine line between sane and insane...we know we walk that fine line each day that we wake up and make the decision to NOT drink that day. 

Now, I want to share something. I come from a long line of crazy. I come from a long line of strong willed people. I come from a long line of "fixers". I had a conversation with someone today that told me they were praying for me, but there were a couple we know that were not praying for me. I feel like a pariah because I broke the sacred family rule...I acknowledged that I have a problem so that means that there is now no way to unacknowledge the giant pink elephant in the room. Denial is NOT a river in Egypt my friends, but it's something that some people I know live by. If you don't want to pray for me, that's fine. I'm not angry. Please don't be angry at me for having the courage to openly state that I have a disease. I cannot be "fixed" and unless YOU are an alcoholic, then the honest truth is that you will NEVER understand where I am, what I have gone through, what I am going through or what I will continue to battle. That's okay! You don't have to fix me. I'm not broken. I am just sick and fighting a disease that still baffles most. 

Intolerance...let's talk about this. I am 11 days sober today. I do not look down my nose on anyone for whatever their circumstances. However; people have intolerance for me right now. They cannot tolerate the fact that I am just being honest. Not brutally so, just truly looking inside me and the demons I have to conquer. If at any point, you "help" someone by tearing them down and making them feel completely inadequate, so that you can feel better about yourself...you are exhibiting intolerance and just downright horrid behavior. If you are an alcoholic and you want to come talk to me, then talk to me like you would anyone else, don't try to tear me down in order to build yourself up and place yourself on a pedestal. When you fall, I will not be there to laugh or point, but I will be on solid footing waiting to hold my hand out to you and help you back up. Because that is what alcoholics do, those of us that are getting help, we reach out to others and talk to them and offer them help that we receive. 

I was not one of those who received a visit from some members of AA. I was not a "social" drinker, meaning that I did not go to a bar to drink with others. Oh sure, if I was out with others, I would have some drinks. Most usually I lost count of what all I drank and a couple of times, I drank enough and was "functional" enough that a few of my drinks were on the house. How sad is that? A person can drink enough that would make a normal person pass out and I could pass a sobriety test. I'd blow off the charts though if they had me take a breathalyzer test though...no doubt in my mind...I would have been put in a holding cell to sleep it off. Thank goodness I have a husband who loves me and never once allowed me to go to the bars alone, not that he didn't trust me, but he would make sure I was not bothered while I got plastered. For the most part, I drank at home, alone. I didn't have a bartender to cut me off, because I was my own bartender. Had I gotten one of those visits from members of AA, at the time I would have listened, taken their information, thanked them for coming and then I would have thrown their literature in the garbage. I didn't have a problem. We had family issues that gave me a reason for drinking. I had personal demons that gave me a reason to hide in a bottle. I'd justify my drinking any way I could. Chicken parmesan for dinner? Well, you should have a nice glass of wine with that pasta dish, you know...to help bring out the flavors. Weather forecast predicted a 20% chance of rain...come to find out that Noah probably should have built an Ark for my front yard...I can't go out and do anything in the rain, so I'm gonna stay in and have a drink. 

I was of the thought that an alcoholic started drinking before noon. I wasn't an alcoholic. I didn't drink before noon. Heck no. I'd go in and get my glass down, set the whiskey bottle on the counter and when the clock said 12:01, I poured my first drink. I didn't drink BEFORE noon...so I didn't have a problem. Everyone else had a problem. It was 5 o'clock somewhere. Blah, blah, blah. Britney got a good grade. I celebrated with a drink. Britney got in trouble at school. I dealt with it  by having a drink. Pat was in a bad mood. I drank his bad mood away. Angry? Have a drink. Happy? Have a drink. Depressed? Drink it away. 

My family doesn't understand. One wants to know what is the "root" of the problem. Well, what I am learning is that there is no "root" of the problem that can be "fixed". This is truly a disease and one that can be treated. I will never have a day in my life where I won't be an alcoholic. However; I will eventually have more days that are good than I have days where I am withdrawing. Eventually, I will be able to fully live my life. My days will be replaced with actually living instead of craving a drink and white knuckling through the urge to fix a drink. 

However; I made it through another day. With God's grace, I made it through. I want to share this last thing and then I am calling this done. Each meeting is opened with The Serenity Prayer and we end each meeting with The Lord's Prayer. So if there is anyone reading this that thinks you may have a problem with alcohol. I will ask that you attend a local AA meeting. There are no judgements made and even if you don't have a belief in God, that is okay as well. Only when you start working the steps are you asked to recognize God as YOU understand it in your life...essentially, you just need to recognize that there is SOME KIND of higher power that will help you overcome your struggles. We do not recognize any one specific higher power, but my personal belief system is that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and He is my higher power. 

Thanks for listening to my babble. 
My name is Dee and I am alcoholic. 
And that's all I got right now. 

In search of...a post continued from the 23rd

I have no clue as to what I am in search of. I didn't have a single clever idea as to how to title this post. So instead I will just type all the things that come to mind and maybe something will come to me by the end of this. 

I am pretty sure that some will get tired of reading about my journey right now with detox and recovery from alcohol. Lord himself knows that I am pretty tired of battling it myself. However; this is my single outlet where I can type whatever I am thinking and if I feel like publishing and sharing it, I can...and if not...well then it doesn't matter what anyone thinks about this because you obviously won't be reading it. 

Ohhhh...that's a nice change of font for me. Sorry. I'm like a child who has ADHD....or a new puppy. *Squirrel*!!!

Today was interesting in the sense that our lovely water department made a boo-boo and when Fed-Ex showed up at our door with a package, we found a lovely notice hanging on our door stating that they had shut our water off for non-payment. Wow. That's interesting. Because I have a confirmation number that says I did pay it. Now, the most frustrating part?? Even though I have the confirmation number that says we paid it, I STILL had to pay the full balance that they showed was past due PLUS a reconnect fee and AFTER they complete their research on the confirmation number will we receive a credit for what was paid...but I am still out that additional charge. So, what is the lesson learned from this? I am going to physically walk in to the office, pay it in person and get a receipt from the clerk that shows DEFINITIVELY that it was paid. Screw me over once, shame on you. Screw me over twice, shame on me. 

So, groceries will have to wait for another 7-8 days. We have food that I can stretch to last, it will just deplete the stock pile is all. I'll pick up the basics like milk or bread, but the major shopping will have to wait until next payday. Okay, I am going to pause here because it's time for me to leave and head to the 8 o'clock AA meeting. *Reminder* Alateen for Britney.

Tonight's meeting was a discussion of the 12 Steps. It was interesting. Well, every meeting is interesting. However; I found myself tonight actually connecting familiar faces with names. Maybe over time I'll remember them all, but for now the one or two I remember is okay by me. I purchased The Big Book as well as Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. I hear all these people talk about what is in the big book and I know they aren't talking about the Bible because that is the good book. However; what I have found is that for alcoholics, The Big Book, in a sense IS a bible...it's the alcoholics go to reading material second only to each individuals interpretation of their higher power...because without a belief in a higher power that can restore you, you are essentially doomed to fail. We cannot depend nor can we make a human a higher power...my higher power is God...or my interpretation of God. So, I now have two separate and different "bibles"...one that is The Good Book, that God plants different verses in my head from or makes me see what is plainly in front of me...the other one, the big book, I have yet to open the cover on. It's still early in the day for me...I will open it and read some today.

I may even face a couple of my other fears and pick up the Bible study where I left off at...because it was forcing me to face my human fears and inadequacies...which I ran screaming from. I was not ready for that. I couldn't handle the psychoanalyzation of myself under the microscope of God...or what I thought was the microscope. It was too real. Too much. Too fast. I ran...and drowned myself in whatever way I could. That didn't make me a "bad" person, or a hypocrite, it simply said that I am human...and as humans we err...greatly. My ultimate goal is to become more Christ-"like"...to be accepting of those who do not know Him as their personal savior and to share His love with them, regardless of our differences, disparities or whatever else. I lost sight and ran back to the world where I thought that acceptance would be waiting for me. 

What I have found instead is pain, hurt, anger, self loathing and a depth of overwhelming sadness, depression and grief that I have not known in a very long time. I have also learned that my church family, admit they have problems of their own and they reach out where they are accepted and loved and helped, and they have reached out to me with nothing but love and acceptance. I am just mentally still in a place where I feel such overwhelming shame that I cannot take that first step back into my church. I will though. I know I will. I just need to heal a little bit more before heading back. 

For the rest of today...I am going to focus on my mental acuity and wellness. 

I love you all. Each of you and I thank you. 

It's a bright, bright sun shiney day

Ah ha! You now have that song running through your head now too! He he...at least I am not the only one with songs/words/phrases running on a fast track through my brain. I'm a sharer. And yes, that is a word...otherwise it would have put a little red squiggly line under it for me to see and say it wasn't right. So, I'm good this morning on spelling!

I took my medicines this morning and must say that I feel extremely, extremely calm. Although my brain seems to be running circles around some track inside, my body is not responding to the thought processes. There is a disconnection in there somewhere and I am perfectly fine with that. I can deal with this feeling a lot easier than I can when I feel like I want to jump out of a moving vehicle or claw my skin off because I can't stop tapping or jumping or heck, even just forming a coherent sentence! 

Maybe that's why I picked up my blog again. If I type this out, then it forces me to focus on each individual word within the sentence. Okay, I can type almost faster than I can talk, but today the coordination required is making me slow down and pay attention. Plus, you can't hear me stuttering if I am typing something. Because right now, I stutter...a lot. 

Of course, right now I have a fly buzzing around my head and it is driving me insane! That little buzz of its wings flapping. Grr! If I can catch this thing sitting down for longer than 1.3 seconds, I am going to kill it. For now, as long as it doesn't land in my coffee, we're okay....for now. I'm watching you little fly and I will get you. 

What I would like to do right now is go outside and have a cigarette. Transfer addiction. That's what I have to battle right now as well. I not only have to fight the urge to stop drinking, but I also have to fight the urge to start smoking. Sheesh! No wonder the majority of alcoholics fall off the wagon as many times as we do before we finally get our crap together and truly make it work. I think that is my biggest fear. Hitting a milestone marker and "celebrating" by having a drink. Because the thinking in our minds is that we have been sober for X number of days/months/years, so what will one drink hurt is. One won't have any effect. I am extremely realistic in this journey. I know that at some point, that I will do that exact thinking and I'll trip up. 

This is not something that most just casually toss to the side. I wish I could really have you all step inside my head for even just an hour so you could truly understand what goes on inside the brain of an alcoholic. It's not pretty. It doesn't even remotely begin to make any sort of nonsensical sense. It's all a jumble. 

And this is where I am right this moment. Because I can't anticipate what will be happening in the next. So, I deal. Sorta.

Twice in one day is almost unheard of

So, my doctor called me back. Not one of the nurses, but my actual doctor, Dr. Victorica. I'm glad he called when he did because I was almost manic and he could hear it in my voice. This was not something that I was just saying was happening, but he could physically hear the difference in my speech and tone. He assured me that what I am experiencing is withdrawal and that we can treat this by detoxing my body. He will follow up with me tomorrow, I am to be in his office the following day and every day, if needed, to make sure I survive the detox period. 

He stressed the absolute necessity to not even take a sip of alcohol with the medication that he is prescribing for the detox because it would truly be fatal. I'm not looking to die. If I was, I would have simply continued on the path I was on with the drinking. Because trust me, I was well on my way to an early grave. The only thought that I have been able to come up with on why I was drinking so very much, is that subconsciously I did want to die. When in reality, I do not. I love my husband and my children, so very much. I just lost the ability to deal with the amount of pain that I was physically in and then try to deal with the amount of stress from our everyday lives. It isn't an excuse, but it was my justification. 

I can justify just about anything if I truly want it or think I need it. It isn't hard to find those reasons. Rationalization. Justification. "Stinkin' Thinkin'". Nice term, huh. Stinkin' thinkin'...but it's true. An alcoholic needs no other reason to drink other than whatever we come up with in our minds. We are our own worst enemy, in every sense of the word. 

You know something? I have spent the majority of today in a truly manic state. Fidgety, itchy, jumpy, stuttering, unable to form a complete sentence that made sense unless I stopped to think about and then form each individual word in my head and then speak it slowly and with clear intentions to get across what I was trying to say. Tapping. My fingers, my hands, my feet....tap, tap, tap. I feel like my brain is starting to slow down a little, so maybe the medicine is slowly taking effect. 

I am going to very clear and state that I don't expect miracles. I know God is in the business of miracles, but I don't expect one for myself. I know full well that this is going to be a long, slow process of a lot of ups and downs. Hopefully the ups will eventually outweigh the downs, but for now...this is my life. 

Scattered. Shattered. Broken. In a healing process.

Life = Temporarily Interrupted.

This is hard

I've been writing in an actual journal, so I have neglected this site. Maybe I can do this in both places. I am now 7 days sober. 7 days. One week. It doesn't sound like a long time, but let me tell you, this has been some of the longest 7 days in.my.life. Now the withdrawal has started and at first it was just a headache and I thought that if that was all I got, then I was truly lucky. *Buzzer sound* WRONG! That headache was just the beginning!

Now, I still have the headache, but I also have tremors, shakes, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, racing thoughts, jitters, nervous, racing speech, hallucinations and severe mood swings. Happy is not one of those moods though. No. Fear, anxiety and sadness seem to rule my days. And the urge to drink? Holy cow! Come 10 o'clock at night, I could literally claw my skin off because my body is screaming for a drink! 

I stood in the dining room last night wringing my hands, tapping my foot and crying. Saying to Pat that I don't remember doing this when I was a teen and in a treatment facility. I literally paced and cried, paced and cried...with an all consuming thought that all I needed to do was just have ONE drink. Just one. That's all I needed. 

I did NOT have that drink. Instead, I called some friends and talked to them. One of them until about 4 o'clock this morning. I feel like such a jerk right now. I have always been the one that my friends turned to for advice or for a shoulder to cry on. Now the tables are turned and I am having to lean on them, because I am so weak right now. 

All I want, all I can think about, the only consuming thoughts...
I want a drink. 

The other thought? Something that someone said at AA.
"It wasn't the 13th drink that got me drunk. It wasn't the 8th or 9th drink that got me drunk. It was that FIRST drink." Or this one, "I know I have another drink in me. I don't know that I have another recovery in me."

I don't have the luxury of just having ONE drink. One to me leads to an entire bottle. Then remorse. Guilt. Shame. And to think...I meant it every.single.time I said that I wouldn't drink again. This time, I haven't said I won't drink again. 

I said..."Something has to change."