As
a family member said, ‘Down the rabbit hole I go’. She’s right. I’m there and I’m
not happy about it. Then I feel guilty about being where I am because I have
friends facing much worse obstacles than what I have going on right now. Now, I
know that what I am dealing with is still something because it’s tossed me into
oblivion. I don’t like being out here. I don’t like feeling alone. I despise
being apart from family because it feels like I’m not whole, as if there is
this gaping hole in my chest, and it hurts. It physically hurts.
I
already deal with anxiety and I have been talking myself through the worst
attack I’ve ever had for a couple days now. Days, not hours, but DAYS. It took
me thinking that I was having a heart attack before I realized that it was just
anxiety. How did I get there? An email. That’s all, just an email, but it was
an email that almost caused my knees to buckle and I immediately burst into
tears. I’m really glad I was standing near the desk and there was a chair for
me to sit in, because my knees gave and I had to steady myself to keep from
just hitting the floor. Yep…that started the issue.
Now,
I have NO clue as to what is going on. Are we moving? If so, when will that
happen? Will I get to see my husband at all this year? Will it be next year
now? Am I going to have to let the house in Virginia go? Dear Lord…do I have to
start this all over? Am I going to have to transfer kiddo to a new school in
the middle of a school year? How much more are you going to fuck us over dear
Army?! What more do we have to give to you as a family?
And
the biggest question of all running through my mind…
Will
my marriage survive this?
And
that is probably the biggest anxiety/fear of all.
That
and the fact that even if they extend him, he will STILL fall just shy of a 24
month assignment, and that means they still won’t send him home for some time.
I
seriously just want to wail at the world. The tears flow quite easily right
now. The anger is just barely contained behind those tears.
At
least I’m not yelling at kiddo. I have asked her to just leave me alone for a
bit. That’s improvement.
Let’s
toss in some other facts. My best friend, who is battling breast cancer, who
survived her first deployment, who took care of her fiancé’s children while he
was gone, has been told less than a month after he returned that he met someone
after returning from deployment, that he doesn’t want her anymore, the stress
of HER battling cancer was too much for him and he is kicking her out. Let’s
say that one more time…the stress of HER BATTLING CANCER is TOO MUCH FOR HIM…she
is facing a possible radical double mastectomy…and it’s just too much for him.
All I hear anymore when it comes to him is DOUCHEBAG, DOUCHEBAG, SO MUCH A
DOUCHEBAG THAT A THROAT PUNCH, WON’T EVEN BEGIN TO SATISFY THAT ANGER.
I
know this kind of stuff happens to people. I simply want to know why it happens
to people I know. She deserves so much better and eventually she will see that.
Right now she keeps repeating that to herself and that’s okay because it will
sink in. She can focus on herself, her health, HER needs and let him deal with
his three children. This means that she is no longer responsible for anyone but
herself. And I think that is a good thing.
I
still think there is a special place for people like the douchebag, but that’s
my thought to have.
I’ve
been told to do something special for myself today. I don’t know if that means
I should get my nails done or if I should go to the gun range. At this point, I’m
leaning towards both.
I
don’t need retail therapy.
No
shopping.
Not
even for that Ruger SR40 that I want so bad I can taste because it’s a perfect
fit for my hand and I’m a pretty good shot with it.
Not
even for that.
Damnit.
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