I have the power!

31 May 2013

Today I stepped back into an AA room. I stopped going a few months ago because it dawned on me just how hypocritical some were. Now, I know that hypocrites are everywhere, but for the program to be founded with the principle of helping without judgement, it was starting to show just how small minded and judgmental a lot of the people were. I was silently watching and just listening to the conversations going on around me and I watched, multiple times, a person be outcast from a certain group of people because they were struggling with their sobriety or just struggling in life in general. To hear what was being said about people behind their back and I am just as guilty when it came to certain others. I corrected MY mistakes and started learning how to clean up and keep my side of the street clear. 

When the "talk" started about me and my family. That is where I drew the line. I left that AA group because I no longer wanted to be associated with the destructiveness that was happening. I know some people will want to know how I knew that we were being discussed and I will tell you. See, I ran into a person at the grocery one evening. They approached me and said, "Honey, we heard about (situation) and we are ALL thinking about you right now." Hmmm. I then asked what they were talking about because it was a rather delicate situation and I had spoken to only one person about it. When this person told me almost verbatim what I had said to this other person, I knew without a shadow of a doubt, WHO had passed information along. You betray my trust by repeating something told to you in confidence and you then try to hide behind the shield of AA? I have better things to do in my life than to worry about what others are saying behind my back. 

I made the decision that this person and all the others that listened and engaged with them was no longer worthy of being a part of my life. I don't know how much plainer I can make it when I say that if you cross me or try to hurt a family member, I will cut you off at your knees. You will die to me. I will not be rude to you. I will just stop talking to you. You can be in a room with me and I will not acknowledge your presence in any way, shape or form. If you try to engage with me the only words you will hear from me, as I look you square in the eyes, will be to not come near me. I will not give you an explanation. I will stay though and interact with others, just not that person. 

Who knows. Maybe it was my WonderWoman shirt that I was wearing. All I said was to not come up to me. The next thing I know, this person left. Just up and walked out. They were "uncomfortable" being in the room with me. Hmmm. Guilty conscience much? It's nice to know that I am living rent free in someone's head. That my mere presence in the same building is enough to drive them away. Apparently, I have much more power than I realized. 

Lesson?

Don't cross me.

Just when you think you've got it all figured out...

God chuckles and tosses something onto your plate that you've never dealt with before. Do I believe that this is a test of my blind faith? Testing my trust? I have no doubt that I am being tested. Time will tell how I weather this bout of stuff going on. I'd like to think that I will pass the faith and trust test as well. Time will tell regarding that also.

I read some scripture today in an effort to try to lessen the anxiety (and the fear) of the upcoming weeks. While I will type this up and I'll share the link for people to see, I will not share the details. Why? Because I know that there are people who read my musings and repeat them to others and in this particular case I do not need the added stress and anxiety of trying to soothe frayed nerves that they will have because I am having a really hard time soothing and calming myself! If you pray, I ask you to pray for me and my family. God truly knows what is happening and what the needs are.

Gee, now that I said that I won't share details, it leaves me just hanging around out here. Once everything is said, done and over with, I may share the test that will turn into a testimony. In the meantime, keep praying and staying strong!

-Me

Another chapter down in the book of life

Or maybe that should say, another chapter started in the book of life. Who knows?

For that last few days, we have relentlessly looked at homes. So much that they all started to run together and my brain was beginning the decent into mush. I decided this time, before I left, that I would pray about this. I simply wanted God's will to be done in my life and, if this is the time, to please give me a sign and if He could toss a sign to me about a certain property that would be the best for my family...well, I would greatly appreciate that. 

I head out to meet my agent at a house to view this morning. I printed out directions and off I went. I got lost. Not just a little lost, but a whole lot lost. I wasn't even anywhere NEAR where I should have been...even with printed directions in hand! I had to use OnStar to find the place and when I arrived at the street, I kid you not when I say that I STILL could NOT find the property. Need a sign? Did you ask for a sign? Yes, I did. I took that as a very definitive sign that this was not the property for us. I don't easily get lost and for me to get lost twice and one of those times ON THE STREET where the home is located...I gotcha God. I am tracking! The homeowners did have a very cute puppy though...he gave me lots of licks and scratches...and people say Rotti's are dangerous. I call bull, but that's a whole different topic.

Back to the one at hand.

We then head up to Summerlyn in Leander to view a couple of the homes there that have recently come on the market. We turn onto Falcon Lane (Falcon = awesome!) and I pull in front of the house and park. It's raining. I mean absolutely pouring. I look up at the house and what do I see? A hawk...perched on the roof right above the front door. Did I mention it was raining? I have NEVER seen a bird willingly sit and be rained on. What happens next? Hawk that is on the roof then takes flight and alights on the hood of my car, squawks and then flies back to his previous position on the roof. Our real estate agent asked if I was a bird whisperer because he had never seen as many birds as he does when he is with me. Those that know me will understand the bird reference. If you don't, then you have no idea and I'm not going to explain it. We'll simply say that they are usually my "signs" about things. 

I walk in the door and I am absolutely blown away. Thought the house yesterday was perfect for us and this one knocked that one completely out of contention. It's a single story, which upsets Britney, but she isn't the one buying it. For my health reasons, the single story home is perfect. 2 car garage, 4 bedrooms, 2 baths, walk in closets in every room, gourmet kitchen, open living floor plan for dining, living and kitchen areas. Covered patio with a ceiling fan outside (Awesome!) and it's on 1/3 of an acre, the back yard is ginormous and it has two storage buildings on the property as well as a firepit AND the piece de resistance...it is fenced and backs up to a forested farm land that is a greenbelt and is protected from future development. So that means we will NEVER see another property behind us...ever. 

I called Pat, asked him to get on Skype, took him on a tour and he said he liked it, liked that for my health it was an ideal property and it meets our needs now and in the future. So, the agent and I wrote up an offer on the home while on site. I am now waiting to hear if the seller is going to accept our offer. I just got the seller's disclosure and there was nothing major on there as far as previous issues. So I signed that and sent it back to my agent about 30 minutes ago. Now, I wait some more.

If it's meant to be, it will happen and if not, then we'll move on and find something else. I am still going to praise and thank God for his amazing blessings in our lives. 

Beginning the journey to home ownership

Or in other words, WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING?

I started this little adventure of mine in late January and felt like I truly needed to bang my head against a wall a few times because of the hassles I was meeting from our bank. They needed the POA to be filed, then when it was it took them a week to file it and then I was told that I needed a different type of POA. In the meantime, no one would speak to me about any of it. See...Wall meet Head. *Thunk*

Then a few days ago, I almost literally tripped over new information, and I submitted an inquiry to gather more information. (For those of you who don't know - before a decision is made in this house about large purchases - I research the heck out the item and we make an informed decision.) Let's see, that inquiry was submitted on Tuesday. I spoke with a loan officer and was able to get pre-qualified over the phone. He said he would send me a packet of information that would have a check list of items I needed to gather. I received the packet on Wednesday. I then spent almost 4 hours gathering all the requested documentation and reading and signing/initialing the paperwork from the loan officer. I mailed everything back to my loan officer today and he should have it tomorrow. 

Now, that last paragraph almost makes it seem as if there were NO issues. This is the part where I chuckle. Oh, sure...I didn't have any problem gathering bank documents, savings account information, retirement account information...I know where all that stuff is and how to access it. What I didn't have is my husbands social security card. I spent an additional 3 hours turning our current residence upside down looking for it. It is not here. It also is not with my husband overseas. I don't know where it's at and my husband (God love his soul) doesn't realize that knowing where your card is can be critical at times. However; in my search, I did find his challenge coins he's been given, his dads selective service cards, former ranking he's worn, ranking given to him that was previously worn by family members, every single letter I have ever written him, pictures I didn't know anyone had, etc. So I learned that for my husband to not have any type of tolerance for keeping sentimental items, he has a whole lot of them and it made me smile. 

Now, we've made it to today. I have a real estate agent who is former military and he personally only works with military members or their families, he does not require a contract to be signed by me stating that I am working with him and he seems like a good egg. I didn't get any weird vibes from him. We met this morning and I received a hard back book of information from him and we went over how the process will go. We discussed our family needs and family wants and have decided that at the beginning of next week, we shall start our journey of looking at homes. 

Now, fast forward to this afternoon at 3:45. I decide that I am going to drive to Jarrell and get some information about new home construction in a planned community located there. I took kiddo and off we went. 15 minutes after leaving our house, we were in the new community and speaking to one of the building reps. We went and toured two homes under current construction and I was absolutely left speechless. The first home was nice, but small. The second one knocked my socks off. Now I get to talk to my agent about it and see where things lead. The building rep was pushy and I don't like being pushed about any decision, much less this big of one. So, I'm going to think on it this weekend and move forward next week. 

However; right now, I believe I have made the executive decision to either purchase a newly built home with no prior occupants or have our home built. 

An Unexpected Lunch Date

A few days ago I received an email from my Sunday School Teacher asking if I would like to have lunch with her. What I didn’t realize at the time is just how badly I needed someone to talk to. We all know that my life is basically an open book and I hide nothing, be it good, bad or downright ugly. I accepted the lunch date with hesitation. I don’t know, okay that’s a lie, I knew exactly why I didn’t want to go. If I accepted the lunch date it meant I was going to have to force a smile on my face and muddle through it with my “Everything is fine” mask on.

Fine. One simple word, yet it can hold so much more meaning than its intended purpose. Let’s toss out an acronym for fine. Oh, come on, most of you reading this are either former military or are currently and we ALL know just how much our branches LOVE acronyms. Why say something when you just acronym it and go on?

Fucked up

Insecure

Neurotic

Emotional

There is your acronym for today. Fine.

Yes, hello…I’m fine. How are you? Great! Have a great day. *Smile*

Yet I’ve been stuck in this awful place in my head. Struck utterly stupid, insecure and incapacitated completely. I was FINE (this is where you put the acronym into really good use!) I’m not going to sit and I type this up and believe that one day is going to make me all better. It isn’t. However; I do believe that the lunch date that I was petrified of was just the stepping stone to a path of better mental health.

Oh, we’re going to do another acronym. Hold onto your pants!

Forget

Everything

And

Run

There you go. Another one for you, courtesy of my time spent in AA.

We all have fears. We know that we have fear, we have experienced fear and we know that fear is going to creep up on us in the future. It’s not something we can successfully run FROM. But, oh how we try. Am I afraid? Deep down, yes, I am. Catch me on a good day and I’ll even convince you that I am not afraid of anything, because I have conditioned myself to live in a constant state of survival. If I strip away the outer layers of me that have become jaded and cold it risks exposure to the elements. And to be quite honest, there is only ONE person on this entire planet that I trust enough to be completely open and honest with. My husband whom just happens to be my best friend. I don’t trust the rest of you as far as I can throw a Mack truck. Just being quite open about it and if you are truly honest with yourself, you don’t trust anyone either. This is where fear comes in folks. We live in a constant state of fear, whether you admit it or not. You can disagree with me, it’s completely normal. I bet I have you thinking though.

What are you thinking about right this very moment? I am listening to Francesca Battiselli, “Beautiful, Beautiful” ,and thinking that I gave too much of myself and my life over to all the things that I was afraid of. It made me FEAR! (Uh, this is where you insert the acronym…again.) The only thing I was running from was me! I let myself get into my head, start thinking and then I was off to the races with all the woulda, coulda, shoulda’s and the what if’s. How did I allow myself to get so far gone that I lost myself? I can’t answer that at this very moment. What I do realize though is that the lunch date today, really made me think and LOOK very hard at myself. It was pointed out to me that one of the things I try to teach my girls, I was forgetting to do for me. I preach at them to LOVE THEIRSELVES, because unless you love you, you can never love someone else. I was not loving me. It was also pointed out that it is NOT selfish to love myself and care for me because it’s what my Father wants for me to do. Love and care for me so that I can love and care and be of service to others. Pretty simple, huh?

Love and care for yourself so that you can love, care and be of service to others.

It’s amazing what a lunch date can do.

Thank you, Susan.