An Unexpected Lunch Date

A few days ago I received an email from my Sunday School Teacher asking if I would like to have lunch with her. What I didn’t realize at the time is just how badly I needed someone to talk to. We all know that my life is basically an open book and I hide nothing, be it good, bad or downright ugly. I accepted the lunch date with hesitation. I don’t know, okay that’s a lie, I knew exactly why I didn’t want to go. If I accepted the lunch date it meant I was going to have to force a smile on my face and muddle through it with my “Everything is fine” mask on.

Fine. One simple word, yet it can hold so much more meaning than its intended purpose. Let’s toss out an acronym for fine. Oh, come on, most of you reading this are either former military or are currently and we ALL know just how much our branches LOVE acronyms. Why say something when you just acronym it and go on?

Fucked up

Insecure

Neurotic

Emotional

There is your acronym for today. Fine.

Yes, hello…I’m fine. How are you? Great! Have a great day. *Smile*

Yet I’ve been stuck in this awful place in my head. Struck utterly stupid, insecure and incapacitated completely. I was FINE (this is where you put the acronym into really good use!) I’m not going to sit and I type this up and believe that one day is going to make me all better. It isn’t. However; I do believe that the lunch date that I was petrified of was just the stepping stone to a path of better mental health.

Oh, we’re going to do another acronym. Hold onto your pants!

Forget

Everything

And

Run

There you go. Another one for you, courtesy of my time spent in AA.

We all have fears. We know that we have fear, we have experienced fear and we know that fear is going to creep up on us in the future. It’s not something we can successfully run FROM. But, oh how we try. Am I afraid? Deep down, yes, I am. Catch me on a good day and I’ll even convince you that I am not afraid of anything, because I have conditioned myself to live in a constant state of survival. If I strip away the outer layers of me that have become jaded and cold it risks exposure to the elements. And to be quite honest, there is only ONE person on this entire planet that I trust enough to be completely open and honest with. My husband whom just happens to be my best friend. I don’t trust the rest of you as far as I can throw a Mack truck. Just being quite open about it and if you are truly honest with yourself, you don’t trust anyone either. This is where fear comes in folks. We live in a constant state of fear, whether you admit it or not. You can disagree with me, it’s completely normal. I bet I have you thinking though.

What are you thinking about right this very moment? I am listening to Francesca Battiselli, “Beautiful, Beautiful” ,and thinking that I gave too much of myself and my life over to all the things that I was afraid of. It made me FEAR! (Uh, this is where you insert the acronym…again.) The only thing I was running from was me! I let myself get into my head, start thinking and then I was off to the races with all the woulda, coulda, shoulda’s and the what if’s. How did I allow myself to get so far gone that I lost myself? I can’t answer that at this very moment. What I do realize though is that the lunch date today, really made me think and LOOK very hard at myself. It was pointed out to me that one of the things I try to teach my girls, I was forgetting to do for me. I preach at them to LOVE THEIRSELVES, because unless you love you, you can never love someone else. I was not loving me. It was also pointed out that it is NOT selfish to love myself and care for me because it’s what my Father wants for me to do. Love and care for me so that I can love and care and be of service to others. Pretty simple, huh?

Love and care for yourself so that you can love, care and be of service to others.

It’s amazing what a lunch date can do.

Thank you, Susan.