There will be a lot of posts where people talk about where they were and how they remember hearing or seeing everything from that morning in 2001. I'm not going to talk about where I was or what I was doing. I've talked about it previously.
For those of you just joining my blog - a quick recap:
I was in college.
I dropped my children off at daycare.
I walked into my office and found it full of professors gaping at the TV.
I saw the towers fall.
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Back to what I am going to say today.
There have been moments in my life where I have truly been moved by the American spirit. There have also been moments in my life where I am almost ashamed to say I am American. The way I have witnessed my fellow American's harbor ill-will and contempt for people of a certain religion is extremely reminiscent of a 1930's German dictator and his "desire" to eradicate people of a certain religion as well. Have we not learned anything? A religion alone does not make a person good or bad. Yet, people still think that way.
I cannot and will not stand behind a statement that makes it seem as if one group is better than another. This picture floating around right now with the bikers about to descend upon DC to "confront" the Muslims is absolutely infuriating me. The moment the word confront is used, it makes it seem as if they are going with premeditated intent to harm. I sincerely hope not. Truly, I hope nothing comes of it.
There is not a single day that goes by where I don't spend some portion of it reflecting upon the events of the day and even reliving moments in my life trying to glean some portion of enlightenment. Today I am reflecting upon my years spent in the fire service.
I spent 7 years of my life as a FF/EMT and my only regret is not spending more time with it. Alas, my children needed their momma and I needed to raise my daughters. I am still raising one of them. Nothing made me more proud than to watch my brothers run into those buildings. Then, nothing broke my heart more than watching 343 of my brothers die before my eyes.
I have spent a good portion in the trenches of the fire service. Just like everyone else, I started from the bottom and worked my way up. I endured the same training as my brothers. I wore the same gear. I learned how to get my BA on and hooked up correctly (which you have to do while the tank is on your back hanging upside down) which is difficult to do in the best of conditions, much less when you are under pressure. I've hiked I don't know how many miles in brush gear with a flapper, a rake or a leaf blower fighting brush fires and a couple forest fires where we were accompanied by the forestry division. I've climbed on top of homes, cut ventilation openings and been on entry teams inside a burning building. Oh, I am certain that I have seen the Devil in person, dancing in those flames.
I have smelled burnt flesh. I have seen dead bodies. I have scraped brain mater off of roadways. I have performed CPR. I have transported injured children and cried many times after every single one. I have lost patients...young and old...mothers, fathers, daughters, brothers, sisters, sons, grandparents and those who had no family. I have become jaded in so many areas of life. Yet, I still have hope. I have witnessed humanity in it's most base form and that is what gives me hope.
The day I watched 343 of my brothers die, I also got to see hope. Hope that there would be some survivors. Hope that the phone would ring. Hope that the American spirit would prevail. And it did. I watched the selflessness of thousands as they helped in whatever way they could. Going for days and weeks on end with little sleep, little food and carrying nothing but hope.
I have hope. I hope that one day we won't judge people based on their clothing, their religious choice or their general appearance. I hope that we as a people can understand that our differences are what make us unique. I am not better than my neighbor and neither is someone in another country better than I. Just because someone speaks a different language does not make them a threat, no more than being a Baptist makes me one.
I am sure that there will be those that read this and disagree with a few things. Good. Because the one thing I have learned and that I have taught my daughters is to stand up for what you believe. Hold strong in your conviction. If you get persecuted for your thoughts or words...GOOD...it means you believed in something enough to stand up for it...don't be a sheep and get eaten by the wolves of this world.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Monday, September 9, 2013
Lessons in humanity and humility.
Some days I catch myself forgetting that my youngest child is only 14 and therefore does not quite understand why I say or allow certain things to be said or done. I'm trying to teach her all the things that will make her look at the world in every possible different way. Trying to show her that just because she may see something as good or bad does not mean that all of it is either of those things. For instance, a few have shared some things I have written and she sees this as intruding upon my thoughts that I shared with friends. I'm having to explain to her that I don't mind and that if someone is sharing something that I wrote down and it shows that these are my own thoughts, that it isn't a bad thing, and it may very well open up a discussion among people and inadvertently help another person. These are good things.
I'm not quite sure that she completely understands my thinking process, but hopefully as time goes on, she will eventually get there. I am not naive enough to believe that because I explain something to her means that she will understand it or even give it a second thought. She has her own mind and her own thoughts and I enjoy listening to her. Granted, at times she will say or do things that make me sigh or laugh, but I'm glad that she is saying them so if it needs correction we can address that. This is where the lesson in humility comes in. Showing her that we all make mistakes and that it's okay. To show her that we need to own those same mistakes and take the lesson with us and then move forward. She can apply that same process to everything from school to friends to life in general.
I wish I could take all the mistakes that I have learned from and implant them into her head. Sadly, I cannot, but it doesn't mean that I don't share the wisdom learned from it. I can only hope that she listens and applies it to her own life.
As for the lesson in humanity, there isn't much there for me to correct, she is the kind of person that wants to help those in need and do what she can for them. There are a lot of times that I take a lesson from her. She has this way of knowing if something is wrong with someone or coming up with ideas to help others in unconventional ways. For her 14th birthday she made up bags with basic necessities to pass out to the homeless. I don't know about you, but when I was 14, it never crossed my mind to help someone else instead of focusing on whatever I wanted. This is the type of person I have raised and she makes me so very proud. She is carrying that sense of humanity into everything that she does and it shows. Her ultimate goal in life is to be a Pediatric Oncologist...she wants to help children with cancer and help their families. I am sure that she is going to make a very big impact on people throughout the course of her life.
When our children are born, we have dreams for them, but ultimately we just want the very best for them. We don't want them to walk in our path, but to walk beside us and go so much farther than we ever did. Giving them the tools that they will need so they can succeed and then pass on to their own children, should they decide to have them. The same lessons we took from our parents and them from their parents, so on and so forth, we want them to hold those lessons close to their heart and remember them as they grow and age.
So many times we look at today's youth and we question what kind of lessons they are being taught. We make comments about how we would not have dared talk to our parents that way. What we forget is that not everyone grew up the way you did, some have grown up worse and some better. We, as a society, have forgotten that saying, "It takes a village to raise a child." We really do have to be the change we want to see. We need to set the example. Then watch as our own children go out and they live their lives how we have taught them and other children see that. We are all guilty of giving our children things they want but haven't earned. I know I'm guilty of it. We simply have to remember that we are here to be positive influences in others lives. You may not see what a difference you can make in a child's life until many years later, but rest assured that something you said or did stuck with them and they will remember it.
Now, do something positive today and smile.
I'm not quite sure that she completely understands my thinking process, but hopefully as time goes on, she will eventually get there. I am not naive enough to believe that because I explain something to her means that she will understand it or even give it a second thought. She has her own mind and her own thoughts and I enjoy listening to her. Granted, at times she will say or do things that make me sigh or laugh, but I'm glad that she is saying them so if it needs correction we can address that. This is where the lesson in humility comes in. Showing her that we all make mistakes and that it's okay. To show her that we need to own those same mistakes and take the lesson with us and then move forward. She can apply that same process to everything from school to friends to life in general.
I wish I could take all the mistakes that I have learned from and implant them into her head. Sadly, I cannot, but it doesn't mean that I don't share the wisdom learned from it. I can only hope that she listens and applies it to her own life.
As for the lesson in humanity, there isn't much there for me to correct, she is the kind of person that wants to help those in need and do what she can for them. There are a lot of times that I take a lesson from her. She has this way of knowing if something is wrong with someone or coming up with ideas to help others in unconventional ways. For her 14th birthday she made up bags with basic necessities to pass out to the homeless. I don't know about you, but when I was 14, it never crossed my mind to help someone else instead of focusing on whatever I wanted. This is the type of person I have raised and she makes me so very proud. She is carrying that sense of humanity into everything that she does and it shows. Her ultimate goal in life is to be a Pediatric Oncologist...she wants to help children with cancer and help their families. I am sure that she is going to make a very big impact on people throughout the course of her life.
When our children are born, we have dreams for them, but ultimately we just want the very best for them. We don't want them to walk in our path, but to walk beside us and go so much farther than we ever did. Giving them the tools that they will need so they can succeed and then pass on to their own children, should they decide to have them. The same lessons we took from our parents and them from their parents, so on and so forth, we want them to hold those lessons close to their heart and remember them as they grow and age.
So many times we look at today's youth and we question what kind of lessons they are being taught. We make comments about how we would not have dared talk to our parents that way. What we forget is that not everyone grew up the way you did, some have grown up worse and some better. We, as a society, have forgotten that saying, "It takes a village to raise a child." We really do have to be the change we want to see. We need to set the example. Then watch as our own children go out and they live their lives how we have taught them and other children see that. We are all guilty of giving our children things they want but haven't earned. I know I'm guilty of it. We simply have to remember that we are here to be positive influences in others lives. You may not see what a difference you can make in a child's life until many years later, but rest assured that something you said or did stuck with them and they will remember it.
Now, do something positive today and smile.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Let's have a serious discussion about a taboo subject
Suicide:
The act of killing oneself intentionally. - Noun
September is Suicide Prevention Month and there are a lot of discussions and topics being thrown around lately. How to talk to someone you love about it. The warning signs. What you should and should not do.
These are all great things and they have well meaning intentions behind them. I want to speak about being on the opposite side; the side where you WANT to die. I want to talk about it from that perspective because I know that side. Unfortunately, I know the other side as well.
I cannot begin to count the number of people that I have personally known and cared for that took their lives. I also cannot tell you what was going on in their heads that made them think that the situation would not (eventually) work out. I CAN tell you what it's like to be stuck in a situation that you truly cannot see past. I, for one, am not ashamed to talk about these things. My thinking is that if I talk about my experiences then maybe it will help someone out there. I may be incorrect, but I would bet that I'm not.
I know this is a hard topic. I'm having trouble thinking how to word my thoughts and the things I want to say. This particular topic hit home a few years ago for my husband. I still remember a friend asking me to tell him what had happened with the hope that maybe, just MAYBE, the blow would be a little softer if it came from me. It wasn't. I assure you of that. There is no easy way to tell someone you love, that someone they love, has taken their life. There is a lot of anger that comes from the person you have to tell and a lot of concern coming from the person who told them. To this day, I watch my husband struggle with the anger they have. Anger over the situation, anger with the person who did it and then anger just because they don't know who to be angry at or with.
Being the person that has been there, I can say definitively, that it isn't just one thing going on. No, there are multiple situations happening and you get so overwhelmed, that you cannot tell up from down. It feels like you are drowning. You cannot see a way out of the situation and you don't trust anyone enough to tell them EVERYTHING happening. This is where I think our friend was. They wouldn't tell one person everything going on so they could see the big picture. You simply tell one friend about one situation. Another friend gets the other situation. Yet another friend gets another issue. You make sure that the friends you tell these things to do not know each other and therefore; no one gets a clear picture of where you are in life at that moment. You don't even utter the word "suicide" to anyone...ever. You reach a point where the inevitable happens, at least for them. Maybe you leave a note, maybe you don't. Maybe you make one last phone call saying that you love whoever, maybe you don't. There are a LOT of maybe's and what if's.
This is where people struggle. They question every last thing. Every word said, every conversation, every breath they took while talking to whomever. Questions left over are never answered. Assumptions are made and then unmade. It's a vicious cycle.
Professionals will tell you that there are warning signs. Things may be said or done that is out of character for the person. Yeah, well...let me tell you this...those things are not always true. If you think something is "off" with your friend, talk to them. If you have a gut feeling, go with it! I'm not a professional by any means. I'm just someone who has been on both sides of the token.
In a nutshell, BE A FRIEND.
Talk to them.
Visit them.
Make TIME for them.
Don't blow off their problems as minor or petty.
Pay attention to their words and their actions.
Have they stopped taking care of themselves? TALK TO THEM.
Have they talked about how they can't see past an issue? TALK TO THEM.
Are they reaching out more than usual? TALK TO THEM.
Tell them how much they mean to you/family.
Tell them what a friend they are to you.
Above all...
Mean everything you say and TALK TO THEM.
You may stop something from happening that you didn't realize was going through their head.
You also may not stop it either.
Talk to your friends and loved ones. Keep this topic open and let everyone you love know that they CAN always talk to you, without judgement and you will help in whatever way you can.
You learn something new every day
Here we are, cruising towards the middle of September, and the only thought I have is that this has been a really long year. In fact, I have made the comment several times, that this year and half of next year can come and go quickly. Why? Because that is when I will be able to live with my husband again. Yes, yes, we have had this discussion before, so I won't hash it out again.
Tonight I made a comment and then almost immediately said, "Oh man! I never thought I would say something like that!" Britney and I went earlier and visited the nail salon where I got a mani/pedi. I was looking at my feet and commented that my feet feel better because I felt naked without polish on them. I was being a "girl", as my husband would say. Yes, every now and then I will allow the girl in me to come out. For instance, shoes. I can go nuts over shoes! After re-reading this paragraph it has become clear to me that I have a foot fetish of sorts.
I can't make myself type any more after the words foot and fetish were in the same sentence in reference to me.
It's now Sunday morning. I was so tired last night that I just saved this document and now I am progressing. Sorta.
I have my coffee in hand, my e-cig next to me, the dogs are napping and the house is quiet. You would think this would make me content. For the most part it does, but if I stop and just be still then my brain is running at a thousand miles a minute. There is no rest for my brain even in my sleep. I don't know why I expect that there would be rest while I am awake. Who knows, maybe I do have adult ADHD. Or maybe I'm just ... uh...the phone rang and now I forgot what I was going to say. I think I just proved my own point albeit unintentionally.
Now I can't remember anything about what I had planned on talking about. If this is what getting older is like then I want to stop. Plus, I found a new grey hair this morning. Sure, sure...it looks blonde against the red, but it so is NOT blonde. Sigh.
Let's recap the new things I learned:
I like having pedicures to make my feet pretty.
I have a shoe fetish.
Adult ADHD.
I can't...no, I already knew that...never mind.
Grey hair = not happy.
Maybe later I'll blog something else. I'm sure I will hear or see something today that will get me back up on my soap box.
Tonight I made a comment and then almost immediately said, "Oh man! I never thought I would say something like that!" Britney and I went earlier and visited the nail salon where I got a mani/pedi. I was looking at my feet and commented that my feet feel better because I felt naked without polish on them. I was being a "girl", as my husband would say. Yes, every now and then I will allow the girl in me to come out. For instance, shoes. I can go nuts over shoes! After re-reading this paragraph it has become clear to me that I have a foot fetish of sorts.
I can't make myself type any more after the words foot and fetish were in the same sentence in reference to me.
It's now Sunday morning. I was so tired last night that I just saved this document and now I am progressing. Sorta.
I have my coffee in hand, my e-cig next to me, the dogs are napping and the house is quiet. You would think this would make me content. For the most part it does, but if I stop and just be still then my brain is running at a thousand miles a minute. There is no rest for my brain even in my sleep. I don't know why I expect that there would be rest while I am awake. Who knows, maybe I do have adult ADHD. Or maybe I'm just ... uh...the phone rang and now I forgot what I was going to say. I think I just proved my own point albeit unintentionally.
Now I can't remember anything about what I had planned on talking about. If this is what getting older is like then I want to stop. Plus, I found a new grey hair this morning. Sure, sure...it looks blonde against the red, but it so is NOT blonde. Sigh.
Let's recap the new things I learned:
I like having pedicures to make my feet pretty.
I have a shoe fetish.
Adult ADHD.
I can't...no, I already knew that...never mind.
Grey hair = not happy.
Maybe later I'll blog something else. I'm sure I will hear or see something today that will get me back up on my soap box.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
I am, once again, amazed by my daughter
In 14 more days my youngest child will turn 14 years old. She was supposed to have spent the week of her birthday with her Aunt Sara, but due to unforeseen issues, it just was not feasible for it to happen this year. That isn't to say that she won't spend some time with her, it only means that it won't happen this summer as she had hoped.
For those of you who do not know my daughter well I am going to give you some insight as to the person that she is. You will, by the end of this, realize why this young woman amazes me more and more every single year. Yes, yes...I am biased, but that does not make me wrong in my thoughts. First a little back story.
The year 2003 is a year that I will never forget. I was living with a man named James and he had restored my faith that there were truly good men in the world. He was my best friend and he loved my daughters as if they were his own. One morning, he proposed. Later that afternoon I came home after visiting my parents and found a note on the kitchen door saying that James had been in a motorcycle accident and was in the hospital. I had to read that note four times before it clicked in my head. I got to the hospital and they took me back immediately because I was the one person he had been asking for since they life flighted him there.
He spoke for three days. Slipped into a coma on day four. He passed away twenty days after the accident. His funeral was held three days after that. September 4, 2003, is when I lost my best friend. Never mind that he was my fiance...I lost my best friend. My daughters lost their "Daddy James" and while we have moved on with life, we have not and will not fully recover.
Christmas 2003 was the first time that I was able to purchase my children Christmas gifts on my own and they were not on the Angel Tree. I don't know which child came up with the idea, but they woke up one night, opened their gifts under the tree and then tried to hide it. I found it the next morning and made them go ahead and finish opening the ones they had torn into, which was all of them. After they unwrapped them, they had to place them under the Christmas tree and look at them every day until Christmas. No touching. Just look at all the things they had. Christmas day came around and I was waiting for my girls. I had them get dressed and then put all their gifts and put them in a garbage bag and I then drove them to a shelter for women and children in need. I made my daughters donate all the toys and clothing I had purchased for them and give them to children who had absolutely NOTHING but what they had escaped out of their house with.
The following year when it came time for Britney's birthday I had asked her what she wanted. What she said was that she wanted people to give to a charity that she chose instead of buying something for her because she had everything she needed. She has done the exact same thing every year since.
This year the request was a little different. She wanted to know if I would take her to visit a Holocaust Museum. On top of that, she wants to make 10 bags filled with basic necessities like toothpaste, toothbrush, comb, soap, shampoo, food, water and possibly a gift certificate to someplace like McDonalds or Wal-Mart and pass them out to the homeless. Now, she wants to make 10 bags FOR EVERY YEAR SHE IS OLD. 140 bags of basic necessities to people who need help the most.
I challenge you to find me another teenage girl who refuses to accept anything for herself on her birthday and instead wants each of us and all of her friends to make someone else's day a little brighter.
Here is my request. If you would like to help us gather items and send them to use for these bags to be made then we will gladly accept them. OR, in honor of her birthday, do something similar yourself in YOUR town. Pay it forward people. You never know when the next person you help may be Jesus himself.
I am proud of each of our daughters. Right now, I am bursting with pride at the selflessness that is being shown now and has been shown every year since 2004. My hope is that even when I am gone that she will continue this legacy and pass it on to her own children.
God Bless each and every single one of you that read this.
For those of you who do not know my daughter well I am going to give you some insight as to the person that she is. You will, by the end of this, realize why this young woman amazes me more and more every single year. Yes, yes...I am biased, but that does not make me wrong in my thoughts. First a little back story.
The year 2003 is a year that I will never forget. I was living with a man named James and he had restored my faith that there were truly good men in the world. He was my best friend and he loved my daughters as if they were his own. One morning, he proposed. Later that afternoon I came home after visiting my parents and found a note on the kitchen door saying that James had been in a motorcycle accident and was in the hospital. I had to read that note four times before it clicked in my head. I got to the hospital and they took me back immediately because I was the one person he had been asking for since they life flighted him there.
He spoke for three days. Slipped into a coma on day four. He passed away twenty days after the accident. His funeral was held three days after that. September 4, 2003, is when I lost my best friend. Never mind that he was my fiance...I lost my best friend. My daughters lost their "Daddy James" and while we have moved on with life, we have not and will not fully recover.
Christmas 2003 was the first time that I was able to purchase my children Christmas gifts on my own and they were not on the Angel Tree. I don't know which child came up with the idea, but they woke up one night, opened their gifts under the tree and then tried to hide it. I found it the next morning and made them go ahead and finish opening the ones they had torn into, which was all of them. After they unwrapped them, they had to place them under the Christmas tree and look at them every day until Christmas. No touching. Just look at all the things they had. Christmas day came around and I was waiting for my girls. I had them get dressed and then put all their gifts and put them in a garbage bag and I then drove them to a shelter for women and children in need. I made my daughters donate all the toys and clothing I had purchased for them and give them to children who had absolutely NOTHING but what they had escaped out of their house with.
The following year when it came time for Britney's birthday I had asked her what she wanted. What she said was that she wanted people to give to a charity that she chose instead of buying something for her because she had everything she needed. She has done the exact same thing every year since.
This year the request was a little different. She wanted to know if I would take her to visit a Holocaust Museum. On top of that, she wants to make 10 bags filled with basic necessities like toothpaste, toothbrush, comb, soap, shampoo, food, water and possibly a gift certificate to someplace like McDonalds or Wal-Mart and pass them out to the homeless. Now, she wants to make 10 bags FOR EVERY YEAR SHE IS OLD. 140 bags of basic necessities to people who need help the most.
I challenge you to find me another teenage girl who refuses to accept anything for herself on her birthday and instead wants each of us and all of her friends to make someone else's day a little brighter.
Here is my request. If you would like to help us gather items and send them to use for these bags to be made then we will gladly accept them. OR, in honor of her birthday, do something similar yourself in YOUR town. Pay it forward people. You never know when the next person you help may be Jesus himself.
I am proud of each of our daughters. Right now, I am bursting with pride at the selflessness that is being shown now and has been shown every year since 2004. My hope is that even when I am gone that she will continue this legacy and pass it on to her own children.
God Bless each and every single one of you that read this.
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