Realization

So I'm sitting here browsing through Facebook and my email and subconsciously my left hand is tapping on my right collar bone. All of a sudden it dawns on me that not only can I actually palpate my collar bone, but the indention on the sides of my neck and I can trace the bone around to my trachea and I can feel all of it. Now, I know that most people don't ever think about things like that, but to a former morbidly obese person...it's the little things like that, that just sneak up on us. I'm still not used to seeing my collar bones, or the indentions, or seeing a thinner face. 

I'm 16 1/2 months out from gastric bypass surgery and there are still days that I don't recognize myself in the mirror. I still haven't reconciled my current reflection with my former self. I still sometimes see a super fat person. Even when I put on my size 12 jeans. I've lost 120 lbs...I have lost an entire PERSON...but there are definitely days where I still see the old me. I wonder at what point that will stop...or will it ever fully stop?
 
I know people that have had this same surgery and they get down to the 130 weight range, but that isn't me. My only goal going into this surgery was to no longer be diabetic and for my cholesterol and blood pressure to be normal. I didn't have a certain size or weight I wanted to be. I wanted to be healthy, that was all. I now weigh about 185 and it will fluctuate up to 190...and I am perfectly fine at this weight. I don't want to be super skinny, never have and I don't want to start now. I'm happy being a size 12. I'm comfortable in my own skin for the first time in a very long time. I just get tired of hearing comments from others wanting to know why I haven't lost more weight, why am I not trying to get down to 140...blah, blah, blah. Here's why....because I don't WANT to. Period.

My husband loved me as a big girl. He wasn't entirely on board with the surgery until he realized that the health benefits far outweighed me not having the surgery. He still worries sometimes, but it just boils down to the fact that he loved me then...and he still loves me now. I may have lost some weight, and I may not look like I did a year and a half ago, but I am still the same person...attitude and all. I just look different. That's the only change. I still get butterflies in my stomach every time I hear my husbands voice, I still fight for the underdog, I still defend my decisions and I don't back down from confrontation. I can still be your best friend or your most dreaded enemy...it depends on who you are, what you have done and are you really worthy of being a friend of mine and vice versa. 

Don't judge people based on what they look like. Had you met me 16 months ago, you would probably have made fat jokes behind my back, but now...you'd never know I was any different if I hadn't told you about my surgery. Just because someone looks one way, doesn't mean they are horrible...or lazy...or even nice. Look beyond the outward appearance and get to know the person underneath the outside layer. You may be surprised at some of the things you learn about them...and...about yourself in the process.