I think I'm going crazy

I'm going to write this down and I know that whoever reads it may actually think that I am losing my mind. Heck, after what happened, I don't know that I'm not going crazy. I woke up at 4:45 this morning because Tiberius let me know that him and Ash really, really, REALLY needed to go pee. So, me being the responsible owner that I am, took them outside and let them do their business and then we came back in and went back to sleep. The boys followed me back into the bedroom where I took my customary place in bed and they took their usual spots as well...Tiberius under the bed at my feet and Ash next to the bed right at my side. 

Off to la la land we go. I got up a little bit later to turn the ceiling fan on because it was just super hot in the room, almost stuffy enough to really affect your breathing. Back to bed I go and promptly drift back off to sleep. Next thing I know I hear a very deep mans laughing sound coming from the foot of my bed. My eyes popped wide open and every hair on my body was standing on end. The boys were both up growling and snarling, looking very much like wolves on a hunting expedition. I jumped up out of the bed, push the boys out of the way and run out of the bedroom and began checking every single room and closet in this house to see if someone had gotten into our house. Knowing that I was all alone because the boys would have alerted me if someone had broken into our house. The dogs stayed in my bedroom just glaring at the spot where I heard the laughter from...not a "ha ha" funny kind of laugh, but the kind of laugh that reminds you of pure evil. It took them almost 15 minutes to stop the growling and snarling...Tiberius especially looked as if he was ready to attack and go for the kill spot. 

We were completely and utterly alone in the house. There was nothing on...no TV, no radio, no cell phone, home phone was on charger. All the doors and windows were locked and the garage door was down as well. 

I have absolutely NO idea what the heck happened. I do know what I heard. There isn't a person on this planet that could convince me that I just dreamed that sound. How could I? My dogs can't hear my dreams and WHAT would make them react the way that they did? They were truly on guard and protect mode...from...something. 

I know my husband and a lot of other people as well do not believe in spirits, ghosts, hauntings, etc. I do. Sometimes things happen that completely defy logic. This morning was one of those moments that defied logic. 

Maybe I am losing my mind.

I don't know anymore.

Busy days and weeks ahead

I woke up this morning, made sure the kiddo was awake, showered and ready for school and when she left I went back to bed. Slept for a couple more hours then woke up and started my day again. First things first...coffee. I made a pot of coffee and then waited for my husband to be able to get internet access so we could talk on Skype. We talked for about an hour and he went to bed for the evening and I began my day. 

I realized that the boys were out of dog food, so I knew I'd be making a trip to the store for that. I showered and dressed then headed out the door. I picked up dog food, cat litter and a couple odd and end things we needed at the house. Then I went through the car wash and vacuumed the car out. Next was heading to Mom's to fill out the guardianship papers and get them filed at the court house. We go to court next Thursday to have Mom named as legal guardian for Nina. I took Mom to pay a bill and dropped her back at her house. Next up was a quick stop at IGA for a few groceries for the house. Ya know...cereal, breakfast sandwiches, fruit, etc. 

I needed some caffeine at that point because my meter was running on empty. Of course, had I stopped to actually eat today, then I'm sure I would have been fine. As it was, I headed over to Baxter's for my large coffee with a shot of sugar free English toffee, cream and topped with whipped cream. Yummm!! 

So, 6 hours after leaving my house...I finally got to return. Ti met me at the front door with his customary "I need to go pee Momma" dance, so I put him on the yard leash while I brought in the things from the car. Once I got the cold stuff put away, I let Ash out of his crate and we went outside so he could play with his brother. Ah, yes...nothing like watching two Husky pups (okay, so they're not pups anymore) play together. These big boys can get rough with each other! If you didn't know they were just playing, you'd swear they were actually fighting. 

The youngest come home from school with a school sports physical form and a notice of softball tryouts...next week. Great, as if I didn't have enough on my plate already, now I have to find time to get her a sports physical. After many phone calls...I now have it arranged for Tuesday morning. My brother will take my Mom to her appointment that same morning as I take the child to the doctor appointment. Once I finish with that, then I'll drop her off at school and head up to where Mom will be because she is having a stress test done that day. Then after school, I have us an appointment at the spa for some super relaxing pedicures. 

I'm going to try to enjoy the spa experience as best as I can because the next day will be softball tryouts. The day after is court for guardianship. The next day I work. I'm on call the day after that. Hopefully after being on call, the next day my husband will be home. Lord help me after that, because the first week he is home is just as hectic and busy. 

Welcome to my life. I'll have months where absolutely nothing will happen and then BOOM! all of a sudden everything explodes and it's crazy busy. 
This will be my life for the next few weeks.
Just sit back and hang tight. It's going to be one wild ride.

B.O.R.E.D

I am so bored right now, I can't stand it. I have watched a couple episodes of House. Talked to my mom on the phone. Checked emails and responded to a couple things. Done my obligatory facebook update and now...here I sit. Completely and utterly bored out of my mind.

Pat graduates tomorrow and then the next day he starts his regional travel before finally coming home. I'm not thrilled about one of the places he's going, but hey...whatever. At least one of us will get to see some cool things in other countries. Things that I'll never get to see for myself. I can't live through my husband and sometimes, okay...so a lot of times, I get really jealous of that fact. I don't get to see these things and experience them for the first time as a couple. If I ever get to see any of these places, then it will be completely different. It won't be something really cool for him because he will have already experienced it. Instead I find myself keeping track of the places he goes and the things he does while there and intentionally plan on leaving him behind and going by myself IF I ever get to see the same things. I find myself angry over it. 

This last year has just been really hard, both personally and financially. I know that when he does this travel, it will all go on his GTC and I know that I'll have the stupid bill sitting in my mail box before he even gets home. I will then have to pay this bill out of funds from our own account and then have to sit and wait weeks for any kind of reimbursement on it and maybe not even be fully reimbursed because some of the places he's going and staying cost more than what his per diem is. How is this fair? My jealousy and anger over all of this can and probably will turn into rage at some point. I'm not understanding the why behind his travel to one particular country. It's not a country in his AO, he's said himself that he's going to play tourist. Why? Why not just go to the one country that is in his AO and then come home. He talks about wanting to just come home. Well. I'm not seeing the issue anymore. JUST. COME. HOME. Nope, instead it's going to be one big tourist trip simply so he can see these places. Whoopity do. I want to go see Savannah, GA, which is about a 10 hr drive away and I haven't. Why? Because I want to see and experience it with him for the first time. 

I want that "first time" experience to be as a couple. I understand that some of the travel he's had to do is necessity. I get that. It doesn't mean it doesn't make me angry, but I still understand it. I'm just having a really difficult time understanding why one would go to a country where we'll never be...EVER...instead of just coming home. 

I just do not understand. 

So instead, I'll go sit down and cry. Because I'm frustrated and angry.

Stress? I know not what that is!

Psht...and if you believe that title then I have some Oceanfront property in Arizona to sell to you! We're currently sitting two days out from when Pat finishes his overseas tour and yet we still don't have orders on anything! Yeah, yeah...he told me not to worry about anything...but sometimes I think he forgets who he's married to. Worrier...party of ONE...right here.

I'm still looking at homes in the Austin area, since we at least know WHERE we are moving to, but it's really difficult to start to pick anything when you don't have a time frame on WHEN you'll be there. By the way...just in case anyone doesn't know...it's really difficult finding properties to rent when you have pets. I'm about at the point that if I knew we'd be there for a long time, I'd just start looking at homes to buy. However; since we'll only be there for a little over a year, there's no point. 

Now I have to consider whether or not I allow my youngest daughter to stay here with either friends or family to finish out her school year before bringing her to Austin. Right now, I think we're seriously considering finding someone she can stay with to do that. I just don't see the point in pulling her out of school with just a couple months left in the school year, to drag her halfway across the country and start her in a completely different school just a few weeks before their school year ends. If we allow her to stay I know it will be in her best interest. She can just wrap up school here and start fresh on the next school year in Texas. It will give her a chance to meet some kids in the neighborhood over summer so that she has a few people she knows when school starts back. I just don't like knowing that we'd be in one state and she in another. What if something really bad happened? I don't know...we're still debating and weighing the pro's and con's of it all.

I really hate to leave where I'm working at as well. I love our management and the other associates. It's weird for me, in a way, to say that. My former job, it was just myself and two others working there. I got used to being in an office setting. I never thought I'd see the day when I said that I enjoyed working retail. However; I also never thought I'd see myself working where I do either...so I guess it all works itself out in the end. I just hate packing everything up and moving just when things really started pulling together here. The kid loves her school, she has some great friends and I have a job that I love and people that I love working with. 

So, thanks again Dear Army. Once again we get to completely uproot and start all over again. And in another year, we'll be doing this same dance again. Maybe after that move we can stay somewhere for, oh..I don't know, a couple years before we have to move again? Do we think maybe that can happen? I doubt it.

39 days...give or take

This is approximately how long I have until we move. For those that can't count...that's one month, one week and two days. I don't know quite how to feel at this moment. I really thought I'd have a little more time until we had to leave. I'm apprehensive, worried and I feel rushed. I want to make sure my daughter lives in an area that has really good schools, so we have concentrated our search in Round Rock, TX. The town is about 17 miles North/North East of Austin and it has exemplary schools. 

Now the search for a house has begun. Yet, we still don't have orders outlining when we need to leave and when he has to report. I've been able to find a Realtor in the area that has put together listings in the price range and town we're looking at. We've found a couple that are real contenders. One had a great yard, but they were asking an exorbitant amount of money on the pet deposit, so I said thank you, no. The other house will allow our pets with no issues, but the square footage is a concern since it's smaller than what we live in currently and it's tight to get all our furniture in here. The last one has just about everything on our list...yard, fenced area for the boys to run, 3 bedrooms, an office and garage space. It doesn't have a refrigerator though, but that's not an issue...we get one at a pretty decent price. The last house is currently occupied but, will be ready for new tenants on 15 March...just about a week before we'll be in the area. 

I just don't like feeling rushed. I feel like I'm being pushed to choose something and it limits my options. I don't like that...at all. I don't like someone else having all the control. Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking when I married my husband. Was I insane? Is this really what I signed up for? Moving every year to a new town, new state. I try to look at as an adventure, but some days I fail to see the adventure. My daughter wants to stay in one school for one school year. I haven't even been able to do that. She has attended 5 different schools in the course of 3 years. This will be our 4th move in 3 years...and we'll be moving again next year. Some times I really feel like a horrid parent, especially when she makes good friends and she has to tell them good bye. 

This is our life. Welcome to the Army. Kiss my ass...

Signed,
One disgruntled Mommy and Wife.

Sick kid alert

I guess it started yesterday, or at least that's when my daughter called me from her friends house and said she wasn't feeling well and wanted to come home. I knew she had to be really sick for her to not want to stay with her friend. So I went and picked her up. I made a pit stop at the Dollar General store and picked up some OTC cough and cold medicine for her as well as a throat spray because she said her throat was really hurting. One more pit stop to pick up some food and we were on our way home. Within an hour of picking her up, her cough went from a dry sound to a wet, unproductive deep cough from her chest. Her fever spiked up to 103. Out came the Tylenol and into bed she went. 

I was hoping that maybe with some rest and correct medicine dosage that today she would be feeling a little better. I was wrong, oh so wrong. Her fever is now back up to 102 and climbing. I've had her take some more Tylenol and I have the Motrin out as well. We'll do a fever check every two hours and alternate the Tylenol and Motrin in an effort to keep her fever at bay. Maybe, just maybe I can keep her semi well enough to last until tomorrow morning so that I can call her doctor and get her in to be seen. I don't want to take her to the hospital, but I will if I absolutely have to. 

My fear? That this is the flu. My bigger fear? That it could be H1N1. There are a LOT of kids out of school right now and H1N1 is the culprit taking them. I'd like to hope that the CDC has done their proper work and there is something that they can give to keep them alive. I remember vividly the amount of deaths from this strain of flu virus. So in an effort to keep this at bay, whatever form of flu it is, I'll be cleaning the house today and spraying Lysol on everything. 

Right now I just need my little girl better. Work is going to have to be put on hold today. I don't need to be there. I am right where I need to be today...with my sick child and fighting the fever.

Texas here we come!

FINALLY!! We know where we're going! However; I still don't know when, but I don't care. I at least know the area we are going and I can start looking at schools and neighborhoods to live in. Yippee! 

Of course now the butterflies set in. How much is it going to take us to move? How much of a deposit will we need to put down on a house? How much for pet deposit? What are the differences in the schools there compared to here? Do they have a softball team that my daughter can join? Will my job really transfer? There are just a ton of questions that I don't have answers to. Doctors? Specialists? See what I'm talking about? And there will be more questions I have the closer it gets to move time.

Okay...I have to go for now because otherwise my brain is going to explode from all the questions.

Realization

So I'm sitting here browsing through Facebook and my email and subconsciously my left hand is tapping on my right collar bone. All of a sudden it dawns on me that not only can I actually palpate my collar bone, but the indention on the sides of my neck and I can trace the bone around to my trachea and I can feel all of it. Now, I know that most people don't ever think about things like that, but to a former morbidly obese person...it's the little things like that, that just sneak up on us. I'm still not used to seeing my collar bones, or the indentions, or seeing a thinner face. 

I'm 16 1/2 months out from gastric bypass surgery and there are still days that I don't recognize myself in the mirror. I still haven't reconciled my current reflection with my former self. I still sometimes see a super fat person. Even when I put on my size 12 jeans. I've lost 120 lbs...I have lost an entire PERSON...but there are definitely days where I still see the old me. I wonder at what point that will stop...or will it ever fully stop?
 
I know people that have had this same surgery and they get down to the 130 weight range, but that isn't me. My only goal going into this surgery was to no longer be diabetic and for my cholesterol and blood pressure to be normal. I didn't have a certain size or weight I wanted to be. I wanted to be healthy, that was all. I now weigh about 185 and it will fluctuate up to 190...and I am perfectly fine at this weight. I don't want to be super skinny, never have and I don't want to start now. I'm happy being a size 12. I'm comfortable in my own skin for the first time in a very long time. I just get tired of hearing comments from others wanting to know why I haven't lost more weight, why am I not trying to get down to 140...blah, blah, blah. Here's why....because I don't WANT to. Period.

My husband loved me as a big girl. He wasn't entirely on board with the surgery until he realized that the health benefits far outweighed me not having the surgery. He still worries sometimes, but it just boils down to the fact that he loved me then...and he still loves me now. I may have lost some weight, and I may not look like I did a year and a half ago, but I am still the same person...attitude and all. I just look different. That's the only change. I still get butterflies in my stomach every time I hear my husbands voice, I still fight for the underdog, I still defend my decisions and I don't back down from confrontation. I can still be your best friend or your most dreaded enemy...it depends on who you are, what you have done and are you really worthy of being a friend of mine and vice versa. 

Don't judge people based on what they look like. Had you met me 16 months ago, you would probably have made fat jokes behind my back, but now...you'd never know I was any different if I hadn't told you about my surgery. Just because someone looks one way, doesn't mean they are horrible...or lazy...or even nice. Look beyond the outward appearance and get to know the person underneath the outside layer. You may be surprised at some of the things you learn about them...and...about yourself in the process.

Thursday, Thursday...

I'm feeling upbeat and ready to go get 'em today. Not that I have a clue as to why I feel that way, but I do. Maybe it's because for the first time in 22 years that I am sleeping through the night. Having insomnia stinks and when you've had it for as long as I have, it stinks even more. Imagine only sleeping 2-3 hrs a night for the last 22 years. It's no wonder I was always such a grump. It was really nice to be able to talk to the nurse practitioner at my doctor's office and finally feel as if someone was actually hearing me. My doctor had me take a couple different narcotics to help me sleep, but after a while they stopped working and I always felt drugged when I would wake up in the morning. What the nurse practitioner gave me is a non-narcotic medication and it doesn't make me feel super sleepy after five minutes. I can take it a couple of hours before I want to go to sleep and know that I'll be tired and ready for bed when I anticipated it. I also don't wake up feeling drugged in the mornings. I have to say, I didn't realize just how much I really missed sleeping until I started resting better at night. 

I'm not quite sure what today will hold in store for me, but I'm ready for it. I work again today and hopefully we'll be able to get some things done tonight at the store so we won't have to work so late on Sunday. Nothing like preparing for something and getting it done before hand. We reset a couple of tables yesterday and maybe over the next couple of days, we'll get the rest of them redone. Not that I watch the SuperBowl but, apparently my managers do...so we must get them home to enjoy that. 

So for now, I'm going to go and get ready for the day. Maybe I'll call my mom and have lunch with her. I'd just like to get out of the house for a little while today. I hope you all have a great day and we'll talk later!

It's hump day!

Yay! We've made it to Wednesday and you know what that means. It means we're even closer to the weekend...wooo! Not that it means a whole lot to me because at my job, I get to work weekends. So, not real sure why Wednesday is a big deal to me. 

After my vent yesterday things have sort of improved. My husband was able to finally get hold of his commander and get contact information to people who could start getting his paperwork ready in order for him to come home. I guess this is the downside to him being a FAO, he doesn't have a unit that he reports to. So everything he does has to go through a satellite unit essentially and sometimes things get "overlooked". Because his classes overseas end at such an odd time in comparison to when he'll start ACS it throws things into a funk. The people who cut orders generally assume that he wouldn't be done until June and then he'd start ACS in August. Uh, no...he'll be a part of the final presentation on the 17th of this month and then he's all done. So while I still don't have an exact return date for him, it makes me feel a little better just knowing that someone is starting to get things moving so he can get back home. We'll cross the other bridges as we get to them. 

I did tell management today at work what to expect upon his return so that they know why I request "x" number of days off without hassle. Not that I expected any hassle from them anyway because 1.) it's a great company to work for and 2.) our store management team is just awesome to work with anyways. Knowing that when I do get an exact return date, that I'll have no problems asking for some time off work to spend with him, that is just amazing. 

Speaking of work...
I really do love my job. I'm a sales associate for BBW. How many people can actually say that they enjoy their job? I can and I love that! I'm such a fan of their products that it makes it exciting for me to be there. I get to turn my love of their products into other people loving it too. You will never, I repeat...NEVER, hear or read about me talking up current or upcoming sales as well as talking about new products that will be coming out. All you'll get from me is a statement advising that you go to their website or visit your local store and check out the things happening there. Sorry. I guess technically I wasn't even supposed to say where I work at, but I don't foresee my blog going nationwide or viral, so I think I'll be okay. And if you don't know what BBW is, then please don't ask me to tell you, because...well...confidentiality agreements and me keeping my job are kind of important to me. 

I know this is a longer posting, but bear with me a little bit longer. 
Dinner tonight was originally going to be something made with ground turkey. However; after straightening up the house a little bit, I decided that maybe we just need to have a night off from cooking and cleaning up afterward. So we ordered pizza and wings from Pizza Hut. I love their Hawaiian Luau pizza! Their honey bbq and spicy asian wings are delicious as well. And that was what we ordered. I expect a phone call from the delivery driver any minute now asking how to get to our house. It always happens because our street is still not on any GPS or mapping systems, yet it's been here for years. Go figure.

Well, I think that's it for tonight. I'm going to go watch some of our recorded shows and wait for the pizza to show up. I might even talk to my husband tonight on Skype. We'll see. 

More than a little frustrated

I have to vent a little bit here. So bear with me. This will be a shorter post.

My husband has been overseas for the last 13 months. He has officially finished his tour. Is he on his way home? No. Why? Because someone, somewhere has failed to do their job and cut his orders to come home. Why? I. Don't. Know!

I don't understand how just cutting an order can be so damn difficult. I know there are not a lot of FAO's so how is it that this slipped by? How hard is it to answer an email or return a phone call? My husband has been emailing and calling for quite a while now! 

Grrrrr!!! *RAWR*

SOMEONE BRING HIM HOME!!

Well I survived Monday

Obviously since today is Tuesday and I am blogging. He he he. Right now I'm sitting in the office with my trusty mug of justice...err, coffee...yes, coffee...by my side. Be grateful that I have my coffee, otherwise very bad things would happen. We won't discuss the possibility of not having coffee. It is just unheard of. Shhhh. What was I saying? Hmmm. Oh well, moving on now. 

I had another really weird dream. This time I dreamed that we were living in a tree. Not like living in the branches, but the entire inside of the tree had been hollowed out and we were living inside of the tree. My parents were there and there were a lot of kids and we were trying to take them to Disneyland. However; when a couple of the kids and I were walking out of the tree to get onto the path so we could get to the car, all of a sudden there was a wildcat that was stalking the path. I had to get the kids back inside the tree and close the front door. Meanwhile, my parents are freaking out because there is a wild animal that won't let us leave. Next thing I know, there is a leopard as well as the wildcat trying to get into our house. I finally realize that I have my gun, so I go get it from the closet, load it and decide that I am going to walk outside, fire a couple rounds off from the shotgun to scare the animals away so the kids and I can safely get up to the car. Well, when I fire the first round from the gun....it's a freaking flare that goes up! We still have these two wild animals stalking us and I can't get everyone safely to where they need to be. - Then I wake up.

Anyone want to go all psychiatrist on me and analyze that? I could read a lot into it, but who the heck knows what my subconscious mind is trying to tell me. Maybe the Army is represented by the wild animals since we can't leave where we are yet because they still haven't cut orders for my husband. Maybe we're going back to California and that's what Disneyland represents. Or maybe I just ate something wonky before bedtime and it allowed my mind to wander freely on it's own. Who knows.

So, going back to a previous discussion about shoes. I think I'm going to wear a new pair of them today. I'll take a picture of them because they are super cute! I'm half expecting myself to flip my hair at any minute and giggle because I hardly ever use the phrase "super cute". Ahhhhhh!!! What is happening to me? Am I suddenly and inexplicably turning into *gasp* a girl?! Noooooooooooooooo!!! I've never been the girly girl. I don't know how to do girly. Heck, I can barely apply makeup correctly! BTW, I'm not wearing makeup today, just so everyone knows. I only wear makeup on the days that I work or on days that I'm picking my husband up at the airport as he returns from his deployments. So we're all clear on that....I only make myself up a couple times a week for work. I only wear makeup for my husband ummmm....once last year when he came home on leave....and I'll wear it again at some point this year when he finally gets to come home. See, lazy girl....right here!

It's getting close to the time that I have to be at school for Beta Club induction ceremony. I am so proud of my daughter! She's made the honor society! Time for me to go get my cute shoes on and head to school. I'll have pictures later! 

Have a great day everyone!