I've been writing in an actual journal, so I have neglected this site. Maybe I can do this in both places. I am now 7 days sober. 7 days. One week. It doesn't sound like a long time, but let me tell you, this has been some of the longest 7 days in.my.life. Now the withdrawal has started and at first it was just a headache and I thought that if that was all I got, then I was truly lucky. *Buzzer sound* WRONG! That headache was just the beginning!
Now, I still have the headache, but I also have tremors, shakes, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, racing thoughts, jitters, nervous, racing speech, hallucinations and severe mood swings. Happy is not one of those moods though. No. Fear, anxiety and sadness seem to rule my days. And the urge to drink? Holy cow! Come 10 o'clock at night, I could literally claw my skin off because my body is screaming for a drink!
I stood in the dining room last night wringing my hands, tapping my foot and crying. Saying to Pat that I don't remember doing this when I was a teen and in a treatment facility. I literally paced and cried, paced and cried...with an all consuming thought that all I needed to do was just have ONE drink. Just one. That's all I needed.
I did NOT have that drink. Instead, I called some friends and talked to them. One of them until about 4 o'clock this morning. I feel like such a jerk right now. I have always been the one that my friends turned to for advice or for a shoulder to cry on. Now the tables are turned and I am having to lean on them, because I am so weak right now.
All I want, all I can think about, the only consuming thoughts...
I want a drink.
The other thought? Something that someone said at AA.
"It wasn't the 13th drink that got me drunk. It wasn't the 8th or 9th drink that got me drunk. It was that FIRST drink." Or this one, "I know I have another drink in me. I don't know that I have another recovery in me."
I don't have the luxury of just having ONE drink. One to me leads to an entire bottle. Then remorse. Guilt. Shame. And to think...I meant it every.single.time I said that I wouldn't drink again. This time, I haven't said I won't drink again.
I said..."Something has to change."
Dee, if you need someone to talk to, give me a call. I pray that things get easier for you soon, however if they don't, I know you have people that you can lean on for support. You not only have friends and family, but I know your husband will be there for you. Please know that we are think of you and if there is anything I can do from here, give me a call!!!!
ReplyDeleteHugs and love to you and your family.
Chris M.