Intolerance, anger, family and the urge to "understand" or "fix" me

I spent this evening at my meeting with my fellow crazies, otherwise known as my fellow alcoholics, and we each own that. We each took different paths to get there, but the important thing is that we got there. Some of them say that "The state of Texas 'suggested' I come to AA" and we all chuckle, and I am sure some of you will read that and wonder what is so funny about it. Well, that's why we all say we're crazy. There is a fine line between sane and insane...we know we walk that fine line each day that we wake up and make the decision to NOT drink that day. 

Now, I want to share something. I come from a long line of crazy. I come from a long line of strong willed people. I come from a long line of "fixers". I had a conversation with someone today that told me they were praying for me, but there were a couple we know that were not praying for me. I feel like a pariah because I broke the sacred family rule...I acknowledged that I have a problem so that means that there is now no way to unacknowledge the giant pink elephant in the room. Denial is NOT a river in Egypt my friends, but it's something that some people I know live by. If you don't want to pray for me, that's fine. I'm not angry. Please don't be angry at me for having the courage to openly state that I have a disease. I cannot be "fixed" and unless YOU are an alcoholic, then the honest truth is that you will NEVER understand where I am, what I have gone through, what I am going through or what I will continue to battle. That's okay! You don't have to fix me. I'm not broken. I am just sick and fighting a disease that still baffles most. 

Intolerance...let's talk about this. I am 11 days sober today. I do not look down my nose on anyone for whatever their circumstances. However; people have intolerance for me right now. They cannot tolerate the fact that I am just being honest. Not brutally so, just truly looking inside me and the demons I have to conquer. If at any point, you "help" someone by tearing them down and making them feel completely inadequate, so that you can feel better about yourself...you are exhibiting intolerance and just downright horrid behavior. If you are an alcoholic and you want to come talk to me, then talk to me like you would anyone else, don't try to tear me down in order to build yourself up and place yourself on a pedestal. When you fall, I will not be there to laugh or point, but I will be on solid footing waiting to hold my hand out to you and help you back up. Because that is what alcoholics do, those of us that are getting help, we reach out to others and talk to them and offer them help that we receive. 

I was not one of those who received a visit from some members of AA. I was not a "social" drinker, meaning that I did not go to a bar to drink with others. Oh sure, if I was out with others, I would have some drinks. Most usually I lost count of what all I drank and a couple of times, I drank enough and was "functional" enough that a few of my drinks were on the house. How sad is that? A person can drink enough that would make a normal person pass out and I could pass a sobriety test. I'd blow off the charts though if they had me take a breathalyzer test though...no doubt in my mind...I would have been put in a holding cell to sleep it off. Thank goodness I have a husband who loves me and never once allowed me to go to the bars alone, not that he didn't trust me, but he would make sure I was not bothered while I got plastered. For the most part, I drank at home, alone. I didn't have a bartender to cut me off, because I was my own bartender. Had I gotten one of those visits from members of AA, at the time I would have listened, taken their information, thanked them for coming and then I would have thrown their literature in the garbage. I didn't have a problem. We had family issues that gave me a reason for drinking. I had personal demons that gave me a reason to hide in a bottle. I'd justify my drinking any way I could. Chicken parmesan for dinner? Well, you should have a nice glass of wine with that pasta dish, you know...to help bring out the flavors. Weather forecast predicted a 20% chance of rain...come to find out that Noah probably should have built an Ark for my front yard...I can't go out and do anything in the rain, so I'm gonna stay in and have a drink. 

I was of the thought that an alcoholic started drinking before noon. I wasn't an alcoholic. I didn't drink before noon. Heck no. I'd go in and get my glass down, set the whiskey bottle on the counter and when the clock said 12:01, I poured my first drink. I didn't drink BEFORE noon...so I didn't have a problem. Everyone else had a problem. It was 5 o'clock somewhere. Blah, blah, blah. Britney got a good grade. I celebrated with a drink. Britney got in trouble at school. I dealt with it  by having a drink. Pat was in a bad mood. I drank his bad mood away. Angry? Have a drink. Happy? Have a drink. Depressed? Drink it away. 

My family doesn't understand. One wants to know what is the "root" of the problem. Well, what I am learning is that there is no "root" of the problem that can be "fixed". This is truly a disease and one that can be treated. I will never have a day in my life where I won't be an alcoholic. However; I will eventually have more days that are good than I have days where I am withdrawing. Eventually, I will be able to fully live my life. My days will be replaced with actually living instead of craving a drink and white knuckling through the urge to fix a drink. 

However; I made it through another day. With God's grace, I made it through. I want to share this last thing and then I am calling this done. Each meeting is opened with The Serenity Prayer and we end each meeting with The Lord's Prayer. So if there is anyone reading this that thinks you may have a problem with alcohol. I will ask that you attend a local AA meeting. There are no judgements made and even if you don't have a belief in God, that is okay as well. Only when you start working the steps are you asked to recognize God as YOU understand it in your life...essentially, you just need to recognize that there is SOME KIND of higher power that will help you overcome your struggles. We do not recognize any one specific higher power, but my personal belief system is that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and He is my higher power. 

Thanks for listening to my babble. 
My name is Dee and I am alcoholic. 
And that's all I got right now.