This is hard

I've been writing in an actual journal, so I have neglected this site. Maybe I can do this in both places. I am now 7 days sober. 7 days. One week. It doesn't sound like a long time, but let me tell you, this has been some of the longest 7 days in.my.life. Now the withdrawal has started and at first it was just a headache and I thought that if that was all I got, then I was truly lucky. *Buzzer sound* WRONG! That headache was just the beginning!

Now, I still have the headache, but I also have tremors, shakes, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, racing thoughts, jitters, nervous, racing speech, hallucinations and severe mood swings. Happy is not one of those moods though. No. Fear, anxiety and sadness seem to rule my days. And the urge to drink? Holy cow! Come 10 o'clock at night, I could literally claw my skin off because my body is screaming for a drink! 

I stood in the dining room last night wringing my hands, tapping my foot and crying. Saying to Pat that I don't remember doing this when I was a teen and in a treatment facility. I literally paced and cried, paced and cried...with an all consuming thought that all I needed to do was just have ONE drink. Just one. That's all I needed. 

I did NOT have that drink. Instead, I called some friends and talked to them. One of them until about 4 o'clock this morning. I feel like such a jerk right now. I have always been the one that my friends turned to for advice or for a shoulder to cry on. Now the tables are turned and I am having to lean on them, because I am so weak right now. 

All I want, all I can think about, the only consuming thoughts...
I want a drink. 

The other thought? Something that someone said at AA.
"It wasn't the 13th drink that got me drunk. It wasn't the 8th or 9th drink that got me drunk. It was that FIRST drink." Or this one, "I know I have another drink in me. I don't know that I have another recovery in me."

I don't have the luxury of just having ONE drink. One to me leads to an entire bottle. Then remorse. Guilt. Shame. And to think...I meant it every.single.time I said that I wouldn't drink again. This time, I haven't said I won't drink again. 

I said..."Something has to change."

It's amazing what happens when you truly, let go

Yes, I said it. I said, "Let go." Now, allow me to finish that saying..."Let God." 

I may be pushing that cusp of the envelope with some people lately in reference to my daily postings about just how good God is and how well He is working things in my life. To those people, I pray for you, for it is you that needs God most of all. Yes, I was right there where you are right now. Hemming and hawing, p-shawing my way through, saying all the same things that you are thinking and you know what you are thinking. As someone said last week to me, "I see you've gotten into 'all that stuff' and you're posting about it." All that stuff? Okay, I'll give that one. However; "all that stuff" isn't just something that I've gotten in to, it is something that has gotten INTO me, in my soul, in my heart, in my mind and it has taken control of my life. And you know something? It feels SO good.

We have hit some hard financial times the last few months. However; we are climbing out of that now that we have some bills paid off and all child arrears are caught up. This month was one of the hardest though because we were almost completely out of food. I cannot tell you the number of prayers I prayed. I even requested prayer regarding our situation at my church because I was so concerned. Let me tell you, prayers work! I was just praying that our need be met, believing that God would make it so. Without any prior knowledge, we received a partial child support payment from my daughter's biological father, when God knew we needed it most. It met our needs! 

I am praying so hard right now for my husband and a situation involving him. Pat doesn't believe and it hurts me so very much. He truly has no idea just how badly I pray for him. He also had no clue that I had been praying about the situation until this morning. I find it amazing that I can open up to almost random strangers about how good God is in my life and I have the hardest time talking to my husband about all the good workings and blessings I see working. I prayed and I still pray, but this morning as we were lying in bed and unable to sleep, he talked about how stressed he is over what is going on. The next thing I knew, I was cuddling next to him and hugging him saying that things were going to be just fine, that it would work itself out because God would make it so, that I was praying for it all and that I believe that God WILL work it out. All my husband did was just hug me and say that he was glad I felt that way. While my heart breaks, my prayers increase and my faith strengthens. I know my husband does not see the things being blessed as I see them, he says it is all logical...I simply say, "Thank you God!" The phone call today? It was my husband, with a smile in his voice saying that it is going to work out and it is doable, but it is going to take a little more work. After I got off the phone, I dropped my head and praised God for it! 

I don't know where we will be a month from now, but I firmly believe that with each passing day, my faith will grow stronger. I pray for each and every one of you. Especially you. Yes, you. You know who you are. I'm talking to YOU. 

Now, I believe I am going to go take a nap. I've been up almost 12 hours already. I am tired! 

See you all on the other side!

Another year comes to a close

As this year draws to a close, because today is the 30th, which means we have two more days until we are officially in 2012, I get the opportunity to look back and be thankful for my life and everything in it. There were certainly some days this past year that made me wish a lot of things and some times, not so good things were wished for. I cannot take those thoughts back, but I can sit here and say that I am so very thankful for unanswered prayers. 

I have had the opportunities this year to travel, try new things, see new places, make new friends and learn just how difficult tough love really is. I have learned that I am able to endure pain of which there was truly no way to measure it on any sort of scale. I learned that my husband loves me unconditionally. I already knew my parents did, but they continue to show it. I learned that it is possible to love your parents more than you ever realized you did. I also learned just how peaceful a near death experience truly is. There are no words that I could ever speak or write down that could tell you just how utterly calm everything is on the cusp of death. While I did not see any bright lights or family members that have previously passed, I experienced nothing short of a state of pure calming bliss. It was later overshadowed by confusion, but that was while I was attempting to realize the meaning of all my vital signs. 

We visitied New Orleans, I got to experience Bourbon Street, true Louisiana cooking and then got to drive through the March Madness traffic in Houston on our way to Austin. While living here, I have visited Dallas and attended my first wedding, other than my own. We have visited San Antonio and The Alamo as well as The River Walk. Pat has had Lasik surgery and no longer wears glasses and is still handsome as all heck. Savannah has spent a little over two months with us this year and I got to learn even more "stories" that she has been told. I'll stop there and just say that I love that Pat gets to spend time with his daughter. I just wish that I could enjoy the visits just as much instead of having to deal with the drama caused by all the untruths that have been shoved into her head. 

I found a church this year that makes me feel so welcome and comfortable. More importantly than that, I opened my heart to Christ and have began to learn more about myself through the lessons in the Bible. I am a work in progress and I fall short each and every day, but I still try my very best to live the life that God wants me to live and try to be a lesson to others of His love and goodness. 

This year has been a year of lessons both good and bad, easy and hard. I expect that 2012 will hold the same in store. I'm just happy to be alive to get to enjoy the time that will be coming up over the next year. Happy New Year to each and every one of you.

One month closer...

I truly cannot believe that it is September already. It seems like it was just yesterday that we moved to Texas. That Britney finished the school year. That Celina was just a phone call away, if and when she would actually speak to me. A lot has happened since April. We moved here, Brit finished school and her softball season in Kentucky, I got a job, Pat started school, Nana came for a visit and then a lot of things went south quite suddenly. I got sick, really sick. Two emergency surgeries, a near death experience, three weeks in the hospital and having to resign from my job really hit us hard financially. Bills are running behind and I feel like I sold my soul to the electric company in an effort to get a payment arrangement worked out with them to keep our electric on. 

However; even though things got rough and I was really letting it get me down and turn me into a little miss whiney pants; I eventually sat back and took a real hard look at things and realized that I was still blessed. Our electricity is still on, as is the water, gas, cable, internet, phone and cell phones. We have a roof over our head, clothes on our back, food in our stomachs, countless friends and family members that love us, a car that runs, a job that pays the majority of our bills and most of all...we have each other to lean on. As hard as it is right now, and as hard as it is for me to see past everything that is happening right now, I know that when this time passes I will be able to look back and say that it wasn't as bad as it could have been and I'll take a new lesson in life and add it to my list.

Pat is currently enrolled in Fall classes at UT. He's taking 12 credit hours towards his Master's Degree this semester. He's doing a lot of reading and I am learning to leave him alone because I know this is hard stuff he's working on. Britney has started her 7th grade year at her new school, Hopewell Middle School. She is in band, is a member of Pep Squad, is taking dance, doing tutoring after school and has just signed up to play softball. Just her schedule alone makes my head spin, but she's got it all planned out in her head and she refuses to give up any of it. We have agreed to allow her to keep it all on her plate for now, but if her grades start to fall then something has to go. She assures me that she is fine and she has set her goal of becoming a member of National Junior Honor Society. Oh, and let's not forget her church activities and volunteer work! I look at my youngest and I am so proud of her and the person she is becoming.

I look at Britney and I know that I am not a bad parent. That somewhere I did something well. Being able to see this from her makes it a little easier to swallow the fear and shame that I feel when I think about my Celina, my first girl, my first baby, my first love. I won't go into details, but let's suffice it to say that Celina has her own uphill battle she is having to fight and I cannot help her. It is possible for a parent to feel like a failure with one child and feel pride with another. Trust me, this I know.

So, as things stand right at this moment, we're not completely okay but we will get there. 

Because if nothing else, I have a God that loves and protects me, a husband that I love and adore and children that I would die for. I think I have more in my life, short comings and all, than a lot of others and I am just...humbled.

Stuck in "Longhorn Country"

Okay, so it's been a little bit since I have written anything or really updated stuff. As the title suggests, we are now officially living in Texas. Actually, we're a little north east of Austin, living in one of the suburbs. Yeah, we are suburbanites now. It's not all bad. I like our neighborhood, love the sidewalks, the school for the kids is a rather short walk from the house and I absolutely love our house. Now, if we can talk to someone about the weather here, that would be amazing!

It gets a little hot for this Kentucky girl in the Spring. I'm used to storms, subtle breezes, grass getting green, tree buds, flowers blooming and the ever infamous weather patterns consisting of 85 one day and 30 the next. Ah, yes...Spring in Kentucky. 

Now, let's take a look at Spring in Texas. The grass is a dying shade of green with more brown than anything else, it's windy...and I mean WINDY, hail storms but NO rain (still haven't figured out how in the hell that happens), tree/pollen/grass molds are HIGH, flowers are dying and if you ONLY hit 85 during the day you rejoice, but more often than not the temps hover in the 90's and the humidity is just as bad as it is in Kentucky in the middle of Summer. Yeah, the joy of Spring in Texas. Woo. 

However; I am finding that there are plenty of jobs to be had here. In the community we live in, the surrounding suburbs and if you want to commute into Austin, then there are a plethora of opportunities for job seekers. I, however; do not want to commute into Austin. I'd prefer to stay sort of close to home. 

The people are relatively nice. I have yet to meet any actual, full on jerks, well...with the exception of the woman who is the civilian worker at the ROTC department at UT-Austin. Um, I have to say that if she just disappeared one day, I may or may not have a rather kickin' party to celebrate. I'd say it was really just a "search party" being put together and let it go at that.

The driving here is a little crazy sometimes. I just have to get used to urban driving again. If you have defensive driving skills and utilize them, you'll do JUST fine. I did break down today and purchased a TxTag. For those of you who want to know what that is, it's an electronic tag that you place on your windshield below your rear view mirror and you pre-pay toll fees, it's your toll pass. Since a lot of people don't want to pay the tolls and they clog up the interstate and the access roads, I figured I'd be a little smarter (although a little less rich) and purchase the tag so that I can hop on and off at my convenience and not deal with the moronic drivers that are in a hurry, yet can't go anywhere, during rush hour. Yep, that's why I get paid the big bucks people...to think. Now, if I could figure out how to outsmart everyone else, then I'd demand a raise!

I may update a little more later, but for now this True Blue Cat girl is going to go see if I can find Bevo (The Longhorn Mascot) and show him a thing or two about true fans...LOL