This
is not easy for me to put into words, on paper, and for others to read it. Yet,
the torture of holding everything in is becoming quickly unbearable. Plus, I
find it therapeutic to write and maybe, in a few days I can go back and read
this and possibly find some kind of solution. Although, if I have yet to find
one after three weeks, I don’t know how much good a couple more days is going
to do.
I
have often lamented the fact that Pat’s job takes him away from home far more
than it keeps him here. I have also often been told that this is the life I
chose and I need to suck it up. So, as I sit here in tears, I want to scream at
certain people that this is NOT the life I chose. I did NOT choose to marry a
man that I would only see for 18 months at a time (max) and then have to send
him to some ungodly country overseas that is more third world than it isn’t. I
did NOT choose to be married to someone that has forced me to learn the
intricacies of all means of video chatting so that I could see the man that
carries the other half of my heart! I most certainly did not CHOOSE to be
alone, yet be married. I did not choose poor health, nor did I choose any of
the other ill begotten things that have happened.
I
may have the strength God gave me and the fortitude to push forward regardless
of the situation, but the current situation has me torn in half and broken. And
I had fooled myself into thinking that things were going to be okay. All it
took was one phone call and two sentences to send my idyllic beliefs crashing
into the abyss that’s just been waiting below.
I
informed Pat of this last surgery scheduled the moment I learned. After talking
to my surgeon and learning how much was going to be covered I was frightened.
Up until that moment, I had never had a surgical procedure done that required
me being under general anesthesia for longer than 90 minutes and that includes
my weight loss surgery. This surgery was going to be a minimum of 90 minutes
and could take up to 3 hours…turns out it took them almost 4 hours. At one
point, I began to awaken during the procedure. Pat was in Hawaii…halfway home.
I had asked him if he could possibly get home to help after surgery and even
found a ticket for just a little more than $300. I was told that he couldn’t
come home because he had work that needed to be done and it could only be done
by him. I was fine with that…seriously.
Then,
he gets to Hawaii, has dinner with some friends of his that were former CAV and
somehow my surgery became the topic of conversation. In essence, these men (who
don’t know me at all) looked Pat square in the eye and told him that he had his
priorities screwed up, that he needed to be home with me, that he was not as
important as he thinks he is and that he “wasn’t being CAV…he was being SHIT.”
ONLY AFTER that conversation did I get an email asking him to book him on a
flight home and me telling him that I couldn’t because that price was no longer
good did he say to me what his friends said. I stopped cold in my tracks, held
back the tears and said, “Wait. Wait a minute. You mean to tell me that you
didn’t choose this on your own? It took two of your friends telling you that
you were being an ass and to get your priorities straight before you decided
that you needed to be here?” His answer was yes. I had to let him go.
Even
now, I struggle with this. I alone was not enough for him to come home for. It
was only because someone’s perspective of him was going to be ruined if he
chose to NOT come home was the direct driving force behind his decision. Yes, I
told him he was an ass. I told him he was a selfish, self righteous pig. I told
him that the man I fell in love with was full of HONOR and INTEGRITY and even
if it went against the grain, HE ALWAYS DID THE RIGHT THING and that I did not
know the man I was meeting now, he was not the man I married.
Our
marriage is on the verge of ending. I don’t know how to save it. You can only
spend so much time apart before you no longer know the person you are married
to. Only so much time you can delude yourself into thinking you are still
married to the same person you fell in love with. The fact is, there are not
enough hours in the day to spend video chatting with someone. The less time you
spend together, the less you know about the person. I have offered a couple
different times to fly to him, for me to fly to Dhaka and spend a few weeks in
an attempt to reconnect. What I’ve been met with is “Let me check the calendar
and my schedule and I’ll see what works.” Yet again, I’m TRYING and I get
shoved back.
I
get it. I can make all the concessions in the world for you and I don’t so much
as get a consideration. I get the message loud and clear. As of this moment,
there is nothing left to fight for.
The
only thing I can do is allow myself and my daughter to grieve and we’ll make
the rest of the decisions when he can find the time to do so.
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