It's been quite some time since I published a blog for everyone to read, or at least those that feel like reading it. However; I have a lot of things to say, a lot of things I want to say but don't know that I should and quite frankly, some things will be said that will just piss some people off. If you are one of those people that my words offend you, then maybe YOU should step back and do some evaluations of YOUR life and not MINE.
First off, I will say that my sobriety date is 15 May 2012. As of today that means I have 72 days without a single drop of alcohol in my system. This does not mean that this has been an easy process. I look back at the last 72 days and wonder how in the hell I survived. DT's are crazy. The crazy thoughts, the racing thoughts, the constant movement of your body, the constant sickness you feel, you can't eat or drink without getting sick, you take a pill for this, a pill for that, another pill for this symptom caused by the other symptom that was caused by the pill you had to take to help you SURVIVE detox. The emotional toll itself is enough to make you seriously think about some not so good thoughts. Let's not even get into the toll that you put your family and friends through...those who don't have the disease, who don't understand the addiction, those will NEVER understand the urge, the cravings, the salivating, the needing to have a drink to stop the shakes in the morning.
However; these people also do not know what it's like to blackout because you have drank so much, yet you are still wide awake, talking and doing things. These people do not scare their kids because mom or dad is so drunk, they don't know if they are going to get yelled at, ignored, hit or even get fed. These kids learn at an early age how to fend for themselves. These people don't purposely buy cheap, just enough to get by, food so that you have enough to buy your alcohol. These people don't end up sitting, alone, in the dark, with a glass that never gets empty because you have a "two drink" rule and you rationalize that as long as that glass never completely gets empty...you are still working on that FIRST drink.
I have met a lot of people at the places I go to. Some are wonderful, some not so wonderful, some are downright downtrodden and beaten and refuse to let anyone near them to help because they are afraid of feeling, others can be a little intimidating but they are just great big ole teddy bears and others are just flat out douches. I am learning to take things and people one day at a time. However; that does not mean that on some days, I am the one being the douche or an ass, or it could be an extremely hard day that I have white knuckled it through and now I am just one great big ball of pent of emotions that come out in tears...lots and lots of tears. And you know what, it's okay to cry...it's okay to just hug someone...it's okay to open up just a little bit or a lot, depends on how much you need to emotionally dump that night.
Now, here is where I am going to get into some stuff that may cause shit to hit the fan as they say. A few weeks ago, I got a phone call from someone who had told me they had gone and talked to a "friend" of mine, but thought they smelled alcohol and they were drinking Mt. Dew as they got out of their car to talk to the other person. I was told they were fidgety, kept looking towards their door and just jumpy, which this person thought was odd behavior. Knowing this "friend" doesn't drink Mt. Dew, I informed the other person that their assumption of smelling alcohol was more than likely dead on and it was IN the bottle they were drinking out of as they were driving. I also told the person why they were more than likely jumpy and irritable and I'm going to leave it at that, otherwise some may figure out who this is.
The last thing I have to say is this and I have no problem calling someone on their shit when my name gets dragged into something. For the record, it is neither mine nor another friends "fault" or "idea" that a mutual friend move to another state. Seriously, when you can't control your addiction to the point that it is or at least WAS at, at least be woman enough to own up to your own fuck ups. When you send me a message stating that you had no idea I was battling this addiction and that you "know" where I am because you have done the same thing...shut the fuck up. You have NO FUCKING CLUE as to where I have been or the depths of hell I have crawled through to get SOBER. I at least had the audacity to woman up and admit that I had a problem and seek help, the reasons are my own, but at least I DID IT and CONTINUE doing it. I am at a meeting every single day, sometimes twice a day and if I could go three times a day...you bet your ungrateful lying ass that I would be there. The day that you can stand and look me in the eye and do step 8 and step 9, only then will I truly believe that you MAY have changed. Until then, I pray for you, for your kids, for your family and I pray they survive these years as you continue to destroy yourself and everyone around you. I used to think that I tolerated someone because you were my friend, turns out neither one of you ever were. Hindsight is 20/20 and I can see clearly now.
For everyone else, I hope you have a wonderfully blessed day, completed by your Higher Power and trust in Him completely.
