I truly cannot believe that it is September already. It seems like it was just yesterday that we moved to Texas. That Britney finished the school year. That Celina was just a phone call away, if and when she would actually speak to me. A lot has happened since April. We moved here, Brit finished school and her softball season in Kentucky, I got a job, Pat started school, Nana came for a visit and then a lot of things went south quite suddenly. I got sick, really sick. Two emergency surgeries, a near death experience, three weeks in the hospital and having to resign from my job really hit us hard financially. Bills are running behind and I feel like I sold my soul to the electric company in an effort to get a payment arrangement worked out with them to keep our electric on.
However; even though things got rough and I was really letting it get me down and turn me into a little miss whiney pants; I eventually sat back and took a real hard look at things and realized that I was still blessed. Our electricity is still on, as is the water, gas, cable, internet, phone and cell phones. We have a roof over our head, clothes on our back, food in our stomachs, countless friends and family members that love us, a car that runs, a job that pays the majority of our bills and most of all...we have each other to lean on. As hard as it is right now, and as hard as it is for me to see past everything that is happening right now, I know that when this time passes I will be able to look back and say that it wasn't as bad as it could have been and I'll take a new lesson in life and add it to my list.
Pat is currently enrolled in Fall classes at UT. He's taking 12 credit hours towards his Master's Degree this semester. He's doing a lot of reading and I am learning to leave him alone because I know this is hard stuff he's working on. Britney has started her 7th grade year at her new school, Hopewell Middle School. She is in band, is a member of Pep Squad, is taking dance, doing tutoring after school and has just signed up to play softball. Just her schedule alone makes my head spin, but she's got it all planned out in her head and she refuses to give up any of it. We have agreed to allow her to keep it all on her plate for now, but if her grades start to fall then something has to go. She assures me that she is fine and she has set her goal of becoming a member of National Junior Honor Society. Oh, and let's not forget her church activities and volunteer work! I look at my youngest and I am so proud of her and the person she is becoming.
I look at Britney and I know that I am not a bad parent. That somewhere I did something well. Being able to see this from her makes it a little easier to swallow the fear and shame that I feel when I think about my Celina, my first girl, my first baby, my first love. I won't go into details, but let's suffice it to say that Celina has her own uphill battle she is having to fight and I cannot help her. It is possible for a parent to feel like a failure with one child and feel pride with another. Trust me, this I know.
So, as things stand right at this moment, we're not completely okay but we will get there.
Because if nothing else, I have a God that loves and protects me, a husband that I love and adore and children that I would die for. I think I have more in my life, short comings and all, than a lot of others and I am just...humbled.
