So I'm sitting here browsing through Facebook and my email and subconsciously my left hand is tapping on my right collar bone. All of a sudden it dawns on me that not only can I actually palpate my collar bone, but the indention on the sides of my neck and I can trace the bone around to my trachea and I can feel all of it. Now, I know that most people don't ever think about things like that, but to a former morbidly obese person...it's the little things like that, that just sneak up on us. I'm still not used to seeing my collar bones, or the indentions, or seeing a thinner face.
I'm 16 1/2 months out from gastric bypass surgery and there are still days that I don't recognize myself in the mirror. I still haven't reconciled my current reflection with my former self. I still sometimes see a super fat person. Even when I put on my size 12 jeans. I've lost 120 lbs...I have lost an entire PERSON...but there are definitely days where I still see the old me. I wonder at what point that will stop...or will it ever fully stop?
I know people that have had this same surgery and they get down to the 130 weight range, but that isn't me. My only goal going into this surgery was to no longer be diabetic and for my cholesterol and blood pressure to be normal. I didn't have a certain size or weight I wanted to be. I wanted to be healthy, that was all. I now weigh about 185 and it will fluctuate up to 190...and I am perfectly fine at this weight. I don't want to be super skinny, never have and I don't want to start now. I'm happy being a size 12. I'm comfortable in my own skin for the first time in a very long time. I just get tired of hearing comments from others wanting to know why I haven't lost more weight, why am I not trying to get down to 140...blah, blah, blah. Here's why....because I don't WANT to. Period.
My husband loved me as a big girl. He wasn't entirely on board with the surgery until he realized that the health benefits far outweighed me not having the surgery. He still worries sometimes, but it just boils down to the fact that he loved me then...and he still loves me now. I may have lost some weight, and I may not look like I did a year and a half ago, but I am still the same person...attitude and all. I just look different. That's the only change. I still get butterflies in my stomach every time I hear my husbands voice, I still fight for the underdog, I still defend my decisions and I don't back down from confrontation. I can still be your best friend or your most dreaded enemy...it depends on who you are, what you have done and are you really worthy of being a friend of mine and vice versa.
Don't judge people based on what they look like. Had you met me 16 months ago, you would probably have made fat jokes behind my back, but now...you'd never know I was any different if I hadn't told you about my surgery. Just because someone looks one way, doesn't mean they are horrible...or lazy...or even nice. Look beyond the outward appearance and get to know the person underneath the outside layer. You may be surprised at some of the things you learn about them...and...about yourself in the process.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Thursday, Thursday...
I'm feeling upbeat and ready to go get 'em today. Not that I have a clue as to why I feel that way, but I do. Maybe it's because for the first time in 22 years that I am sleeping through the night. Having insomnia stinks and when you've had it for as long as I have, it stinks even more. Imagine only sleeping 2-3 hrs a night for the last 22 years. It's no wonder I was always such a grump. It was really nice to be able to talk to the nurse practitioner at my doctor's office and finally feel as if someone was actually hearing me. My doctor had me take a couple different narcotics to help me sleep, but after a while they stopped working and I always felt drugged when I would wake up in the morning. What the nurse practitioner gave me is a non-narcotic medication and it doesn't make me feel super sleepy after five minutes. I can take it a couple of hours before I want to go to sleep and know that I'll be tired and ready for bed when I anticipated it. I also don't wake up feeling drugged in the mornings. I have to say, I didn't realize just how much I really missed sleeping until I started resting better at night.
I'm not quite sure what today will hold in store for me, but I'm ready for it. I work again today and hopefully we'll be able to get some things done tonight at the store so we won't have to work so late on Sunday. Nothing like preparing for something and getting it done before hand. We reset a couple of tables yesterday and maybe over the next couple of days, we'll get the rest of them redone. Not that I watch the SuperBowl but, apparently my managers do...so we must get them home to enjoy that.
So for now, I'm going to go and get ready for the day. Maybe I'll call my mom and have lunch with her. I'd just like to get out of the house for a little while today. I hope you all have a great day and we'll talk later!
I'm not quite sure what today will hold in store for me, but I'm ready for it. I work again today and hopefully we'll be able to get some things done tonight at the store so we won't have to work so late on Sunday. Nothing like preparing for something and getting it done before hand. We reset a couple of tables yesterday and maybe over the next couple of days, we'll get the rest of them redone. Not that I watch the SuperBowl but, apparently my managers do...so we must get them home to enjoy that.
So for now, I'm going to go and get ready for the day. Maybe I'll call my mom and have lunch with her. I'd just like to get out of the house for a little while today. I hope you all have a great day and we'll talk later!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
It's hump day!
Yay! We've made it to Wednesday and you know what that means. It means we're even closer to the weekend...wooo! Not that it means a whole lot to me because at my job, I get to work weekends. So, not real sure why Wednesday is a big deal to me.
After my vent yesterday things have sort of improved. My husband was able to finally get hold of his commander and get contact information to people who could start getting his paperwork ready in order for him to come home. I guess this is the downside to him being a FAO, he doesn't have a unit that he reports to. So everything he does has to go through a satellite unit essentially and sometimes things get "overlooked". Because his classes overseas end at such an odd time in comparison to when he'll start ACS it throws things into a funk. The people who cut orders generally assume that he wouldn't be done until June and then he'd start ACS in August. Uh, no...he'll be a part of the final presentation on the 17th of this month and then he's all done. So while I still don't have an exact return date for him, it makes me feel a little better just knowing that someone is starting to get things moving so he can get back home. We'll cross the other bridges as we get to them.
I did tell management today at work what to expect upon his return so that they know why I request "x" number of days off without hassle. Not that I expected any hassle from them anyway because 1.) it's a great company to work for and 2.) our store management team is just awesome to work with anyways. Knowing that when I do get an exact return date, that I'll have no problems asking for some time off work to spend with him, that is just amazing.
Speaking of work...
I really do love my job. I'm a sales associate for BBW. How many people can actually say that they enjoy their job? I can and I love that! I'm such a fan of their products that it makes it exciting for me to be there. I get to turn my love of their products into other people loving it too. You will never, I repeat...NEVER, hear or read about me talking up current or upcoming sales as well as talking about new products that will be coming out. All you'll get from me is a statement advising that you go to their website or visit your local store and check out the things happening there. Sorry. I guess technically I wasn't even supposed to say where I work at, but I don't foresee my blog going nationwide or viral, so I think I'll be okay. And if you don't know what BBW is, then please don't ask me to tell you, because...well...confidentiality agreements and me keeping my job are kind of important to me.
I know this is a longer posting, but bear with me a little bit longer.
Dinner tonight was originally going to be something made with ground turkey. However; after straightening up the house a little bit, I decided that maybe we just need to have a night off from cooking and cleaning up afterward. So we ordered pizza and wings from Pizza Hut. I love their Hawaiian Luau pizza! Their honey bbq and spicy asian wings are delicious as well. And that was what we ordered. I expect a phone call from the delivery driver any minute now asking how to get to our house. It always happens because our street is still not on any GPS or mapping systems, yet it's been here for years. Go figure.
Well, I think that's it for tonight. I'm going to go watch some of our recorded shows and wait for the pizza to show up. I might even talk to my husband tonight on Skype. We'll see.
After my vent yesterday things have sort of improved. My husband was able to finally get hold of his commander and get contact information to people who could start getting his paperwork ready in order for him to come home. I guess this is the downside to him being a FAO, he doesn't have a unit that he reports to. So everything he does has to go through a satellite unit essentially and sometimes things get "overlooked". Because his classes overseas end at such an odd time in comparison to when he'll start ACS it throws things into a funk. The people who cut orders generally assume that he wouldn't be done until June and then he'd start ACS in August. Uh, no...he'll be a part of the final presentation on the 17th of this month and then he's all done. So while I still don't have an exact return date for him, it makes me feel a little better just knowing that someone is starting to get things moving so he can get back home. We'll cross the other bridges as we get to them.
I did tell management today at work what to expect upon his return so that they know why I request "x" number of days off without hassle. Not that I expected any hassle from them anyway because 1.) it's a great company to work for and 2.) our store management team is just awesome to work with anyways. Knowing that when I do get an exact return date, that I'll have no problems asking for some time off work to spend with him, that is just amazing.
Speaking of work...
I really do love my job. I'm a sales associate for BBW. How many people can actually say that they enjoy their job? I can and I love that! I'm such a fan of their products that it makes it exciting for me to be there. I get to turn my love of their products into other people loving it too. You will never, I repeat...NEVER, hear or read about me talking up current or upcoming sales as well as talking about new products that will be coming out. All you'll get from me is a statement advising that you go to their website or visit your local store and check out the things happening there. Sorry. I guess technically I wasn't even supposed to say where I work at, but I don't foresee my blog going nationwide or viral, so I think I'll be okay. And if you don't know what BBW is, then please don't ask me to tell you, because...well...confidentiality agreements and me keeping my job are kind of important to me.
I know this is a longer posting, but bear with me a little bit longer.
Dinner tonight was originally going to be something made with ground turkey. However; after straightening up the house a little bit, I decided that maybe we just need to have a night off from cooking and cleaning up afterward. So we ordered pizza and wings from Pizza Hut. I love their Hawaiian Luau pizza! Their honey bbq and spicy asian wings are delicious as well. And that was what we ordered. I expect a phone call from the delivery driver any minute now asking how to get to our house. It always happens because our street is still not on any GPS or mapping systems, yet it's been here for years. Go figure.
Well, I think that's it for tonight. I'm going to go watch some of our recorded shows and wait for the pizza to show up. I might even talk to my husband tonight on Skype. We'll see.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
More than a little frustrated
I have to vent a little bit here. So bear with me. This will be a shorter post.
My husband has been overseas for the last 13 months. He has officially finished his tour. Is he on his way home? No. Why? Because someone, somewhere has failed to do their job and cut his orders to come home. Why? I. Don't. Know!
I don't understand how just cutting an order can be so damn difficult. I know there are not a lot of FAO's so how is it that this slipped by? How hard is it to answer an email or return a phone call? My husband has been emailing and calling for quite a while now!
Grrrrr!!! *RAWR*
SOMEONE BRING HIM HOME!!
My husband has been overseas for the last 13 months. He has officially finished his tour. Is he on his way home? No. Why? Because someone, somewhere has failed to do their job and cut his orders to come home. Why? I. Don't. Know!
I don't understand how just cutting an order can be so damn difficult. I know there are not a lot of FAO's so how is it that this slipped by? How hard is it to answer an email or return a phone call? My husband has been emailing and calling for quite a while now!
Grrrrr!!! *RAWR*
SOMEONE BRING HIM HOME!!
Well I survived Monday
Obviously since today is Tuesday and I am blogging. He he he. Right now I'm sitting in the office with my trusty mug of justice...err, coffee...yes, coffee...by my side. Be grateful that I have my coffee, otherwise very bad things would happen. We won't discuss the possibility of not having coffee. It is just unheard of. Shhhh. What was I saying? Hmmm. Oh well, moving on now.
I had another really weird dream. This time I dreamed that we were living in a tree. Not like living in the branches, but the entire inside of the tree had been hollowed out and we were living inside of the tree. My parents were there and there were a lot of kids and we were trying to take them to Disneyland. However; when a couple of the kids and I were walking out of the tree to get onto the path so we could get to the car, all of a sudden there was a wildcat that was stalking the path. I had to get the kids back inside the tree and close the front door. Meanwhile, my parents are freaking out because there is a wild animal that won't let us leave. Next thing I know, there is a leopard as well as the wildcat trying to get into our house. I finally realize that I have my gun, so I go get it from the closet, load it and decide that I am going to walk outside, fire a couple rounds off from the shotgun to scare the animals away so the kids and I can safely get up to the car. Well, when I fire the first round from the gun....it's a freaking flare that goes up! We still have these two wild animals stalking us and I can't get everyone safely to where they need to be. - Then I wake up.
Anyone want to go all psychiatrist on me and analyze that? I could read a lot into it, but who the heck knows what my subconscious mind is trying to tell me. Maybe the Army is represented by the wild animals since we can't leave where we are yet because they still haven't cut orders for my husband. Maybe we're going back to California and that's what Disneyland represents. Or maybe I just ate something wonky before bedtime and it allowed my mind to wander freely on it's own. Who knows.
So, going back to a previous discussion about shoes. I think I'm going to wear a new pair of them today. I'll take a picture of them because they are super cute! I'm half expecting myself to flip my hair at any minute and giggle because I hardly ever use the phrase "super cute". Ahhhhhh!!! What is happening to me? Am I suddenly and inexplicably turning into *gasp* a girl?! Noooooooooooooooo!!! I've never been the girly girl. I don't know how to do girly. Heck, I can barely apply makeup correctly! BTW, I'm not wearing makeup today, just so everyone knows. I only wear makeup on the days that I work or on days that I'm picking my husband up at the airport as he returns from his deployments. So we're all clear on that....I only make myself up a couple times a week for work. I only wear makeup for my husband ummmm....once last year when he came home on leave....and I'll wear it again at some point this year when he finally gets to come home. See, lazy girl....right here!
It's getting close to the time that I have to be at school for Beta Club induction ceremony. I am so proud of my daughter! She's made the honor society! Time for me to go get my cute shoes on and head to school. I'll have pictures later!
Have a great day everyone!
I had another really weird dream. This time I dreamed that we were living in a tree. Not like living in the branches, but the entire inside of the tree had been hollowed out and we were living inside of the tree. My parents were there and there were a lot of kids and we were trying to take them to Disneyland. However; when a couple of the kids and I were walking out of the tree to get onto the path so we could get to the car, all of a sudden there was a wildcat that was stalking the path. I had to get the kids back inside the tree and close the front door. Meanwhile, my parents are freaking out because there is a wild animal that won't let us leave. Next thing I know, there is a leopard as well as the wildcat trying to get into our house. I finally realize that I have my gun, so I go get it from the closet, load it and decide that I am going to walk outside, fire a couple rounds off from the shotgun to scare the animals away so the kids and I can safely get up to the car. Well, when I fire the first round from the gun....it's a freaking flare that goes up! We still have these two wild animals stalking us and I can't get everyone safely to where they need to be. - Then I wake up.
Anyone want to go all psychiatrist on me and analyze that? I could read a lot into it, but who the heck knows what my subconscious mind is trying to tell me. Maybe the Army is represented by the wild animals since we can't leave where we are yet because they still haven't cut orders for my husband. Maybe we're going back to California and that's what Disneyland represents. Or maybe I just ate something wonky before bedtime and it allowed my mind to wander freely on it's own. Who knows.
So, going back to a previous discussion about shoes. I think I'm going to wear a new pair of them today. I'll take a picture of them because they are super cute! I'm half expecting myself to flip my hair at any minute and giggle because I hardly ever use the phrase "super cute". Ahhhhhh!!! What is happening to me? Am I suddenly and inexplicably turning into *gasp* a girl?! Noooooooooooooooo!!! I've never been the girly girl. I don't know how to do girly. Heck, I can barely apply makeup correctly! BTW, I'm not wearing makeup today, just so everyone knows. I only wear makeup on the days that I work or on days that I'm picking my husband up at the airport as he returns from his deployments. So we're all clear on that....I only make myself up a couple times a week for work. I only wear makeup for my husband ummmm....once last year when he came home on leave....and I'll wear it again at some point this year when he finally gets to come home. See, lazy girl....right here!
It's getting close to the time that I have to be at school for Beta Club induction ceremony. I am so proud of my daughter! She's made the honor society! Time for me to go get my cute shoes on and head to school. I'll have pictures later!
Have a great day everyone!
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